Roman

26 - If I love her

Roman

Today is the first day that I seriously don’t want to hand Romany over to her mother. I want to keep her with me. Hell, I want to ride the fuc.k out of here and never come back. I’ll raise my daughter someplace else. Fuc.k what anyone else thinks.

But I can’t do that, whether Marley chooses that fucke.r or not. I can’t take this baby girl away from her mother, just like she can’t take her away from me.

All I do know is, I won’t co-parent with that jerkoff. Romany is my child, mine and Marley’s, and if he thinks for one second that he’ll ever get me out of their lives, he’s more stupid than I thought. For the rest of his fuckin.g life, he’ll have to put up with me. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not giving up my woman without a fight.

Tonight, I will show Marley why she needs to be with me. I’m done waiting around. Over two months, I’ve stood back and let her do her thing. I don’t even know what, if anything, she’s done with him, but Wrench told me earlier how happy Marley looked when she left his house.

It’s killed me all day to think about her with that cunt. His hands on her body, his mouth all over her, making love to her, fuckin.g her. I don’t know, but I punched the fuc.k out of the wall in frustration. I shouldn’t have done that because I scared the shi.t out of Romany. She sobbed for half an hour. It took Nova to calm Romany down. Then the bitc.h gave me a mouthful about remembering with the baby present that I need to be a dad, not a biker.

Easier said than done when I am a fuckin’ biker. It’s all I’ve ever been. But Nova was right; I cannot act that way in front of my little girl, and I won’t.

Today, I need to know once and for all who Marley has chosen. I said I wouldn’t pressure her, and I’m not about to do that. It’s the last thing Marley needs. But what she does need is more therapy. I would suggest she stay away from both David and me, but Elie told me that’s just what Marley has been doing lately. Coral said Marley wanted time to herself to think about things. I hope the time Marley has had to herself has come to something because I can no longer live in this limbo.

I’ve fed Romany, bathed her, and now I’m knocking on her mother’s front door. Marley opens up with the biggest smile on her face I’ve ever seen. I know I’m not the man who’s put that smile on her face. I dread to think what she’s been doing with fuc.k features.

“My baby girl!” Yeah, she’s definitely been up to something. She’s overly happy. She takes Romany’s seat from me, not looking at me once, eyes only for our daughter.

Marley places the car seat on the kitchen table, unstraps the baby, and lifts her gently into her arms. She kisses Romany’s head, eyes closed as she breathes her in. I see how much she loves that baby girl. Any thoughts I ever had of leaving evaporates in a flash upon seeing Marley like this.

I shouldn’t have even been thinking about taking Romany away from her mother when I know Marley hasn’t once thought about taking her from me. It’s not like I gave it serious thought. I guess I didn’t know what else to consider.

“I missed you, Romany. Has she been okay?” Finally, she looks at me, still smiling.

I cross my arms over my big body and tell her, “She’s been just fine.”

“She loves spending time with you. I can tell you’ve bathed her. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

She nods slightly, and I realize I’ve taken something from her. I have Romany every day for a few hours and bring her back between six and seven in time for Marley to bathe her. That’s their special time, and I took it from them.

“Marley, I’m sorry. Baby, I didn’t realize.”

“Hey,” She smiles and strokes my arm, evoking all those sexua.l feelings I get every time she’s near me. “It’s okay. You don’t need to feel bad. I understand that you’d want to do all those little things too. You are a wonderful father, Roman.” Then she leans up, baby in her arms, and kisses me. Just a soft kiss to my lips, one that takes me by surprise, one that she holds for a moment and moans against me.

What the fuc.k is that about?

“Let me put Romany down. We need to talk. Please don’t leave. This is really important.”

I can do nothing but nod and watch as she walks away.

Has she finally made her decision?

She wouldn’t have kissed me if she’d chosen him, would she?

Or was that a kiss goodbye?

Ain’t gonna lie, I feel fuckin.g sick. I don’t want to lose her to some other guy. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. I never believed it would happen to me. I know I’m not forty yet, but I gave up hope of ever finding a woman to spend my life with. I was content to live my life as a bachelor, fuc.k who wanted, when I wanted, never committing to anyone.

But I did find a woman to spend my life with. I did commit to her. I’ve been with no one else since the day she came back into my life. I fuckin.g love her, and I’m not ready to let her go just yet.

I grab a beer out of the fridge. Marley always keeps a couple of cold ones in there for me in case I decide to stay around to talk. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s nice that she does that for me, and I need one. I open the bottle and drink the whole thing down in one. It does fuc.k all for me. I need a bottle of scotch.

What the fuc.k am I doing?

Marley doesn’t want me; she wants him. I’m literally tearing my hair out. I can’t make her stay with me, I can’t force her to be mine, but I can’t lose her either, I fuckin’ won’t!

All my life, all my fuckin.g life, I’ve put myself last in everything I’ve done. Everyone has consistently been above me, including Marley, and that’s how it should be. But just this once, I’m going to be selfish; I will put it all out there for her. I want her to know just how I feel about her. If she still chooses him after that, I’ll walk away and never bother her again for anything but contact with my daughter.

“Stop that, you’ll scalp yourself.” Little hands grab mine and pull them away from my hair. I hadn’t realized I was pulling so hard. “What’s going on? Why are you hurting yourself?”

“I’m not.” I sink down into one of the chairs at the table. She pulls one up in front of me. “Just tell me already and get it over with.”

“Well, I didn’t want to tell you like this.”

Fuc.k it!

The chair falls to the floor with a bang as I get out of it, hands in my hair again. I storm out of the kitchen. I don’t know what to do. I’m about to explode. I can’t do that; I won’t frighten Marley or Romany.

God, I’m losing her! My little five-foot doll.

She grabs my arm. “Please wait, Roman. I don’t know what you think is happening here, but you are mistaken. Please let me explain.”

“Explain what? That you’re going to him? I don’t wanna hear it, Marley, I ain’t ready.”

“Please!” She’s on her tiptoes, my face in her hands, pulling my head down slightly, forehead against mine. “Please don’t walk away from me. Please listen to me. If you love me, you’ll listen to me.”

If I love her.

Haven’t I proved repeatedly over the last two months that I love her?

What more does she want from me?

“You know that I love you.”

“Then listen to me.”

Fine. If that’s what she wants.

Marley pulls away from me, and I follow her to the den and take a seat on the couch beside her. “These past couple of months, I have been spending time with David, with you. All the time, I have been trying to figure out how I feel about the two of you. David and I had been together since I was seventeen. We had our future mapped out before us.”

I’m trying my hardest to listen to this, to be a good man who doesn’t snap at the woman he loves, but it is hard when I know how this is going to end.

“It wasn’t until I started meeting up with him that I realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. I was blinded by the past and what I thought was real. I never saw the red flags before.”

“How do you mean?”

She shrugs. “David was always kinda pushy back then. He used to make comments about my height.” She laughs nervously.

She’s short, so what?

She’s fuckin.g beautiful with it.

“He’d complain that I didn’t wear enough makeup and that I made him look like a pervert because I didn’t even look sixteen when I was twenty. He’d make fun of my size, and my weight, put me down all the time, and he’d tell me I needed surgery to change my face, my body.”

“What?!” The anger is burning in my eyes, my veins! I know it was years ago, but she made him out to be fuckin.g God himself, and all the while, he was nothing but a fuckin.g bully to his woman!

“I know how you feel about men who mistreat women, Roman. I had spent my whole life being belittled by my father, so when David did it, it didn’t register in my mind that it was wrong. How could I when it was all I knew?”

I can’t even imagine growing up with an abusive father, let alone then dating someone similar. No wonder Marley’s head was fucke.d up when that prick walked back into her life. I’ve seen the devastation that shi.t leave on a woman’s mind more times than I care to remember.

“David never beat me, but he would slap me sometimes. God, how stupid does it make me that I even wanted to talk to him?”

I grit my teeth, my jaw cracking with the force of it. Motherfuckin.g piece of shi.t! Even if Marley wanted to be with him, I wouldn’t allow it after hearing that!

“You’re not stupid, Marley. But fuc.k…”

“It’s okay, Roman. It’s in the past.”

“Marley, tell me he hasn’t been puttin’ you down each time you’ve met with him.” Because I will fuckin’ kill him in the worst way!

“He hasn’t.”

“Has he touched you?”

Marley’s eyes are on my mouth. I can’t stop the smirk creeping across my lips. Even though all I can think about is his filthy hands on my woman, all I want is to take her in my arms, really make her mine.

I have no real clue what she’s trying to tell me, whether it’s that she wants him or me, but I want her. I know right now she wants me just as much; I can see it in her eyes. Whatever she thinks she feels for that dickhead it doesn’t hold a candle to what she feels for me.

“Tell me, baby. Has he touched you?”

“Not the way you think.” Her voice is low. She’s aroused. I bet if I slid my hand into her panties right now, she’d be soaked.

Fuc.k, that makes my d**k twitch.

I know how tonight is ending. No matter what Marley has to tell me, I’m taking her to bed and making her mine one last time. Maybe forever; it all depends on the little lady in front of me.