Roman

13 - Explaining things

Marley

It hasn’t been a bad day after all. Roman took me around to speak with everyone, and I have to say that I do like everyone, and they were all so lovely to me. The women of the club treated me like an old friend, and the men were polite to me. They’re nothing like Bulldog’s former club; those pigs were damn animals.

Everyone loved my daughter and commented on how much she looked like Roman. It made Roman smile because I don’t think he believed me when I told him the same thing.

I managed to eat a little food, and my belly certainly loved me for it. I even laughed a lot. I forgot everything going on in my head for a while and had fun for the first time in forever.

When Roman wrapped his arms around me from behind while I was talking with Nova, Tank’s wife, I didn’t flinch. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled as he kissed my head. It felt natural, perfect.

However, as soon as everyone left, I began to think of David and the fact he was still waiting for me to contact him. He must have a lot of questions he needs answering, and only I can give him that.

I’ve cleaned up the mess left behind today, bathed my daughter, and put her to bed. I’ve taken a shower myself, and now I’m waiting for Roman to come and join me in the den.

I’m so nervous, and I’m shaking horribly. I’m about to tell Roman the truth, and I’m praying he won’t hate me for this.

“God, that’s better.” Roman sighs as he walks into the den. “I love those fucker.s, but it’s nice to shut off at the end of the day,” He kisses my head, a strand of his long-wet hair touching my face as he does. “With my girls.”

Breathe, Marley. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. If your time with Bulldog taught you anything, it’s that.

“Roman, we need to talk.”

“Oh?”

I turn in my seat to face him, swallowing hard as I do. “This is hard for me. I don’t want you to hate me, but I have to tell you the truth.”

His eyes tell me that he thinks I’m leaving him, that I don’t really love him, and I hate the fact that what I have to say is going to sound just like that.

“Please listen to me, Roman. This is really important. Please try not to get angry with me.”

He takes my hand in his own, brings it to his lips, and kisses my knuckles, and it breaks my heart. He’s been nothing but amazing with me since the day I met him. However, I have to do this, or I will never know.

“Don’t be frightened to tell me whatever is on your mind, Marley. I’m here for you no matter what.”

No matter what.

Even though I know he thinks that I’m breaking up with him, he’d still be here for me should I need him. This is so hard!

“Before Bulldog, I was engaged,” Roman’s facial expression hasn’t changed at all. I can’t read him at all, so I carry on. “David and I had been together forever,” I smile to myself. “We had so many plans. We were both resident doctors and a few weeks away from our wedding. We were going to move into our new house as soon as we were married. We planned to have three kids, a big dog, and vacations in LA and New York.”

I sigh to myself and look down at my hand. Thinking about what might have been, where I would be now if my father hadn’t done what he did, hurts. It hurts more when I think about the fact that I wouldn’t have my little girl had my father not given me to Bulldog because I would never have met Roman.

“When I met you, I was at such a low point in my life that I didn’t see it getting any better. However, you made things better for me. You made me smile again, and you made me believe that life wasn’t all that bad, that men weren’t all that bad.” I turn my eyes to him. He’s still looking at me; he hasn’t looked away once. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. “You made me love you.”

“What’s this about, baby?”

“I’m getting to it, I promise.” He nods his head, so I continue. “I left you after that night because I was messed up after everything that happened, and I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I stayed away because I was scared and didn’t know what to do. Then I told myself that our baby needed you as much as I did, and I was tired of being alone. When I told you that I loved you, I meant it, Roman, you have to know that.”

“I do, and you know that I love you, don’t you?”

I nod my head. I do know that he loves me; I don’t doubt it. I doubt myself.

“The day I gave birth to Romany, and after you left, I was on the bed cradling her because I didn’t want to put her down. A doctor entered the room, and the moment he spoke, without me even looking at him, I knew who he was.”

By the look on Roman’s face, he does too. However, he doesn’t say anything.

“He thought I was dead, Roman. Six years, he’s grieved for me. He had no clue what happened to me, I just disappeared. I still don’t know what my dad must have told David as to why I’d gone, but I felt his pain when he spoke.”

“You have unfinished business.” It wasn’t a question.

“I don’t see it as business. We were in love for a long time, Roman, and I never got to say goodbye to him. For the first year I was gone, I did nothing but think about David until the day came when it was just too hard to think about him anymore. I can’t lie to you and say that I don’t still have feelings for David, but I just don’t know how deep those feelings go.”

“You don’t belong to me, do you? You never did.”

“Don’t say that, please. I’m just so confused, Roman. I am so very confused.”

He pulls me into his arms and holds me while I cry. “I can’t compete with your first love, Marley. I can’t make you stay with me when you don’t know what you want.”

“I just need to meet with him. I need to talk to him about the past and what happened. I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t lie to you either. I have to find out for myself if there is anything still between us. I’ll understand if you don’t want to wait for me.”

“Look at me, Marley.”

I lift to look at the handsome man who fast became my best friend before he became my lover and the father of my child. His eyes and the pain shining in them is proof enough that this is cutting him up, and I hate myself for it.

“You need time to deal with this. You need to spend time with this guy and figure out which one of us you want. I will not push you into anything nor demand that you hurry with your decision. I want you to be one hundred percent sure, and I will be waiting for you when that time comes.”

Could he be any more perfect?

“I’m gonna move out.”

“What?”

Oh, come on, Marley. Why the hell are you panicking? Like he’d live here with you while you’re off on dates with your ex!

I know, but I don’t want him to go!

And doesn’t that tell you something already?

I guess.

“Sweetheart, you can’t make a decision like this with me here. I’ll want you all to myself, and I’ll get possessive over you. I won’t want you even talking to him because in my heart, you are mine, and I love you like I ain’t never loved anyone in my life. The thought of losin’ you now...”

“I’m so sorry, Roman. I just have to know if there’s anything still between us. I won’t let David touch me in any way, I promise you.”

“You can’t promise that, Marley. You said it yourself that you have a history. I can’t compete with that. I’m not even going to try because I know I’ll lose. Just let me see my daughter every day; that’s all I ask.”

All I can do is nod. I’m dumbstruck by how calm he is. He’s also sad; I see it in his eyes, and that kills me inside.

“Let me grab a bag, and I’ll be out of your hair. Make sure you call me if you need me anytime, okay?” Again, I nod dumbly. “I’ll collect Romany Thursday, give you tomorrow to sort things with that guy. Just don’t let him round my daughter, Marley. That would be a step too far. That’s when I’ll blow. She’s my daughter.”

“I know,” I whisper as he kisses my head.

I then sit on that dumb couch and watch him leave me here all alone. I’m not sure I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life.