Hound

22

After hours of driving, I get to a small town. I step out, looking at the moon. It's beautiful. I wonder if she notices I'm still not home?

Oh, well.

I stop to get some food, and get back on the road. I like watching the landscape blur by. It looks how I feel.

Numb. Blurry.

Sometimes I think...if I were smarter, and just kill myself. But I'm a dumb guy who likes to love people who don't know how to love.

That's who I am.

I think I like suffering. I tend to put myself in positions where the only option is heartbreak.

I guess I like the suffocating feeling of choking on your own blood.

I stop at a gas station, checking my phone.

Of course she hasn't called. Or texted. I smile. Yeah, I figured.

Anyway, I should get on the road again. I want to be in the Blue King's territory by midnight.

My phone rings.

I know it's her.

I have no one else.

“Where are you," She asks.

I turn into a parking lot. “Gone. Like you wanted.”

“Hm, cool. Bye.”

She hangs up. I chuckle, tossing my phone in the back, driving into traffic.

What was I thinking? Giving my heart to her? I drive toward numb. That's my goal. U want to keep driving until I go numb again.

Until her face is out of my mind, and pure survival mode sinks in.

When all I think is, eat. Sleep. Live.

I miss that now. I got too close. I just forgot how it felt. But I remember now, I remember how it feels to be in love.

She would be fine if I left. I know she would.

The feelings I have for her, are a dead end. They will go nowhere.

I shouldn't get any closer to her. I should run away. I can do that.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of these feelings I have. I'm sick of giving everything. I'm done with it.

Love and I don't get along. It's okay. Everyone can't have true love.

But this...this cycle of pain that I have...I can't do it anymore.

It's just deja-vu, over and over again!

I just want it to stop. Being used by people, letting people use me, giving everything I can, everything I have, even things I don't, to keep these people with me—for what?!

They don't want me!

They don't want me.

And...at 27 years old, I get it. I've finally got the point.

They don't want me. And you can't make someone want you. You just can't. There's nothing you can give them to make them want you around.

It will never change. I'm fine on my own. I can be alone.

I can be alone, and be okay.

I can. I sigh, pulling off the road. I look at those papers.

God, I was so ready to give her everything. I smile, taking the papers in my hand.

Marriage License

Yeah, stupid of me. I tear them up, throwing them out the window.

I wish I could hate her. I wish I could blame her. But I can't. Because I did this. it's not like she lied to me. Not like she decieved me.

The only person who betrayed me, who hurt me, is me.

She never told me she loves me. She never she told me she'd try. She's been honest. It's me who lied.

I said I was okay. I said I was okay just being with her.

I guess I'm not. I guess I want more.

Well, I hope she has everything she wants and more.

She deserves it.

I think I need something to drink.