The Narcissist

“Mommy.” The little voice fades. This voice. It’s starting to get annoying. Every time I try to take a nice walk through the garden in the park it’s always there. People really need to keep a better eye on their children. I mean, it's late. Dark. Something awful could happen to them with these creeps nowadays. I finally make it home exhausted due to my long day. As I put my key into the door, I hear that child's same voice again. “Mommy.” I turn abruptly, hoping I could spot the child, but nothing. I hurry inside, lock my door & head to bed. I wake up to voicemail on my answering machine. That’s strange, I never heard it ring. I get up and press play. “Look, Kara, I know you’ve been having a rough time and all, but it’s been months! You need to get off your ass and help take care of our son!” What on earth was that? That man must be mistaken, as I don’t have a child or a partner for that matter. I sat there confused for a great moment. But...my name is Kara. I try calling the gentleman back but to no avail. There was no call back number for me to reach the man. I just brush it off & get on with my day. I mean, nothing I can about it anyways. I head into my office and start painting, as I am an artist, it's what I do. Painting always makes me feel better. After painting for a while, I finally take a break. “Wow, it's almost 4:30“ I haven’t even eaten yet or done anything today for that matter. I head to the kitchen to make myself an early dinner. While doing so I can’t help but feeling a rush of loneliness all of a sudden. That's unusual... I love being alone. I smile while buttering my bread for my grilled cheese, I quickly turn around as I forgot to preheat my pan. As I turn on the knob I hear that child's voice again. “Mommy.” I now recognize it as a young boy's voice.”I need to eat.” I say outloud to myself & continue cooking. I set my sandwiches on the pan as I go retrieve my homemade tomato soup from the fridge & put it in a bowl. I turn my sandwich, wait for it to finish then have a seat & enjoy it. Dark, Cold, Homemade Tomato Soup has always been my favorite. I clean up & get ready to shower. When I turn on the faucet, I realize, I can’t hear it. It’s on, running but I don’t hear anything. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard anything all day. I didn’t hear the phone ring, I couldn’t hear myself cooking, rummaging or even painting today….I heard the man's voice messa..., I hear the boy….I run to the front door, swinging it open hoping to hear the outside world, life, cars, families playing in their yard something! To my fear, I heard nothing, to my surprise….I saw absolutely none of those things, just an empty neighborhood. My breath trembles as I start to panic. I hear the boy, “Mommy.” I run to the direction I hear the boy. Back at the park. “Mommy…” “Where are you?” I shout out to him, hoping to find the child. “Mommy.” “Tell me where you are!” I stop at the swings to catch my breath. Then silence. “Hello? Where are you?” The boy doesn’t answer, I frantically start searching for him again. Once I reach the garden I hear him, he’s close I take a quick sigh of relief. I search the back corner & gasp! I receive a flood of memories coming back to me so many..so many it hurts. I begin to run, I found myself running back home. Slamming the door shut behind me leaning against it trying to comprehend what I have just seen, what all i had just remembered. A few tears start to stream down my face trying to understand. I go to my office to help calm me down. I then become face to face with my painting. My painting of the boy. “Why, did you do it, Mommy?” I hear a voice from behind me. I step back cowering into the corner. “It’s okay, Mommy. I forgive you.” I begin to breathe heavily. The boy smiles. “Cha- Charlie.” I barely manage. “I’m- I’m.” As Charlie inches closer to me, I backout. I used to have it all perfect life, job, house, friends…. I loved every minute of every day. Life couldn’t get any better. Until I met Dan…. One night stand & then comes Charlie. I never wanted to have children. Never. But I thought, maybe I need this, maybe I need some changes. Unfortunately between Dan & Charlie, it was so hard to cope with this new chapter, it was so different. Postpartum depression hit me hard, so hard. I had to be heavily medicated. See a therapist. Oh I hated it. After 6 & a half years, I was done. I wanted to go back to normal. I didn't like feeling the way I did...So I stopped. I stopped seeing that therapist, taking those medications...That only proved to be my biggest mistake. Now, I suffer in this loop of sorrow. Narcissist?... Yeah, I learned the hard way.  I loved my son, just not my feelings. ..