Hope: Simple Love

"You're turning twenty-five next year, but you still haven't had a boyfriend even once in your life! Geez.. Get yourself a boy or you'll never experience the happy life as a married person." One word with a simple meaning of, according to Merriam-Webster, is the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. Very understandabls that even young people or children playing houses are familiar and know the definition of marriage. Whenever I hear that word, I can't help myself but to only be reminded of how marriage meant to me. "How can you do this to me?!" A shout echoed in our small and dark living room. I flinched at that shout and squeezed my pillow on my arms. My heart that keeps on beating loudly inside my chest felt suffocating to my throat. My siblings and I was sitting on the black and family size sofa that we used to cuddled with our parents on a Sunday bonding. I looked on my left side and saw my younger brother, Markaire, shivering while crying with his mouth wide open, showing all his undeveloped teeth, while some sticky liquid came out from both holes of his nose. My head then turned to my right and watched my younger sister, Norcaire. She was crying heavily as if she's having some sort of mild convulsion. I moved to her side and caresses her small back. "You've been cheating with me for five years, and you still dare to go here like you are some sort of a saint?!" My mother, who's face is full of tears, keep shouting at my father who is just infront of her, grabbing her arms to stop her from punching him. But I guessed all her adrenaline were flowing all over her body that she overpowered my father's strength. Her face is distorted with different kinds of emotions. Her forehead down to her neck are in full red. I can't see her eyes properly because of tears but her voice was so clear and loud making some of her nerves to be visible for a moment. My younger sister moves closer to me as I hugs her small body on my right arm and my other hand goes to my younger brother who keeps on crying louder than my mother. I pulled them closer to my not-yet-fully-growned body. Because my hands are all over my siblings, my favourite pillow that I hugged tightly fall down on the ground. As it fell down, my mother threw a cup she probably saw at the table near them on the wall making a loud bang as the pieces of the cup scattered on the floor. Me and my younger siblings screamed at that. "You.. You're a f*****g cheating man! I don't need someone like you in my house!" Then, my mother rushed to go upstairs. She even tripped on the third level of the stairs. She groaned so loud but she got up and run up to their bedroom. I looked at my father with weak stature. Probably because my eyes are pooled with tears and my father is standing near the kitchen door where the dimmed lights of our living room cannot reach, I can't properly looked at my father's face. My both younger siblings are trembling so hard while crying. I heard my mother loud curses and cries on the upstairs. I even heard some rustling sound. She probably searching for something or what. Just... how did our night ended up like this? I woke up feeling good because my father, who just went home once a week because he works kilometres away from us, arrived yesterday's night. As like what we used to, Sunday is like family thing. We will eat breakfast and told some stories to make my father catch up in our lives. We will eat lunch that he cooked and watch our favourite tv show in the night while I was sitting on his lap with my younger sister and brother, as my mother is on his side, resting her head on his shoulder. It should have been a happy day like any Sundays of my eight-years life. But, how did we ended up in this situation again? Ah.. probably because I forgot to pray yesterday because my mother scolded me for shouting at her. I've become a bad girl that night so maybe that's the reason why I'm having some sort of bad dreams tonight. I should woke up or else my father's lap will get tired. I closed my eyes and mumbles some prayers I learned from Mrs. Elizabeth, and some promises like being a good girl all year and never do anything bad like yesterday at my mother. I bit my tongue so hard until I can taste the blood on it. When my mind screamed ouch, I opened my eyes suddenly and tears started to flow down on my cheek like a broken faucet. My breaths started to get heavily making my chest to go up and down every second. As I can't take it anymore, a sobbed escape my mouth and my younger sister looks up at me and start crying louder until she cough. I immediately tap her back gently and try to breath normally even if my heart and throat felt dry and painful. I shouldn't make any sound as I cry. I am the oldest daughter of this family, and the least I can do now is to not add on the cryings. I bit the insides of my cheeks and control my voice. But the thing was, I can never control my tears to stop flowing down. My younger brother sounds like someone having a hard time breathing, I turned my head on his and caresses his back like wat I'm doing to my younger sister. But, I think my small and shivering hands cannot comfort them, their cries filled my ears. My heart wants to get out from my chest from the panick and from earlier shouting moments. I looked at my father to asked for his help, but I stopped moving when I saw him helpless. My father with his dishevelled black hair, shakes his head slolwy. I can find the difference on the father who loves us dearly, to the father in front of us now. His shoulders look like it lost its life that was once strong enough to carry my two younger siblings and me. His lips that was once always curvinv upward, giving us a warm smile, now curved downward and slightly open. His big and strong aura are now no longer can be seen. I think he heard my silent plea, or probably because of my younger siblings who keeps crying loudly, that he turned his head to us and tried to give us a smile. I flinched at that. My eyes panicked and my lips quiver. I looked around and didn't know what to do or to react. I gritted my teeth and my breaths that I tried my best to control, started to get wild again. Is it really my father's fault? If this is not a dream, then.. did he not love my mother anymore? Even us? He has another family? Why? Because my mind has so many questions that I can't answer, I tried my best to look at my father who can answer my questions. I watched him took a step after a step, very slowly and quite, until he kneeled down on the pillow I dropped near us and both holds the shoulders of my siblings. I guess the three of us were so small that we can fit in father's body shadow. And because he's near to us, I can see his face a little clearer. I watched his eyes that is full of worried. I can see the wrinkles that surrounds his eyes. The few lines on his forehead. His trembling lips as it tries to give us a smile. But the only thing that makes my eyes wide and my tears to continue to flow down, is that my father didn't even cry. His eyes are red but there's no sign that a single drop of tear flows down on his face. Watching him makes my face down to my feet feel cold as if someone threw a cold water to me. "D-daddy, why are you fighting with mommy?" in a very distorted sound, Norcaire still asked my father. Father looked at her with a gentleness in his eyes. He then caressed her hair and wipes her tears using his thumb. His whole palm can cover my younger sister face fully and crushed her head if he wasn't careful. But my father, touches her like she is the most precious gem in th world. He then, tried to smile again. I watched him soothe my younger sister as I clench my teeth. "D-daddy..," he stuttered at first but cough once to fix his voice before continuing his sentence, "..made a mistake. So your mommy was scolding me," he even tried to laugh but it ended in two 'ha' before sighing. I smelled some cigarettes and alcohol on his breath. I never once saw my father using a cigarette or drinking an alcohol. So, why did he did those things that he usually didn't do? Is it really that he cheat on my mothet? What was cheating anyway? Since my mother was shouting and crying, I'm sure it is something bad, if it's bad, then a simple sorry will do right? I gathered all my voice to my throat and told him, "Can't you just say sorry to her? She always forgive us when we said it.." I said it with a very minimal volume of my voice and even choke abit at the last word as if a lump stopped my throat. My father then looked at me. Unlike, the gentleness he made to my younger sister, the gaze he is giving me now is something that I can never know but makes my heart nervous. He lifted his hand from Norcaire and touches my shoulder as if encouraging me and saying sorry at the same time. "You're too young to understand.." he whispered again but this time his voice is trembling. I looked at his eyes wandering if he is crying but his eyes remained red. He, then, sighs like all the problems are on his back. He looked at me, Norcaire, and Markaire with those red eyes. His black eyes are twinkling under the dim light. For a moment, I think I saw that he regrets everything. "Daddy might.. ah, go to a far away place to work," he said like he whisper in the air. I opened my mouth to ask him why does he need to work to a far place when we're all crying, then suddenly, a sound of a suitcase sliding in the stairs echoed in the house. My hysterical mother just kicked the suitcase and run downstairs with some clothes her hands. She immediately reach my father who stood up in a few second, and slapped the clothes to his face. She is still crying and shouting words that I can not understand the meaning but makes my heart in pain. "M-mommy..." I tried calling my mother. As if calling her will calm her down. Because they are infront of us, I can clearly see how painful the slap that my mother gave to my father. He took a step backward because of that. He lifted his arms to hold my mother on her shoulders to even lessen the force od her body. My favourite pillow that's on the ground are now being trampled by my father's big foot. My forehead creased at that sight. My mother's screaming like she's going crazy, my father's groan and repeating words of 'Stop!', my younger siblings who kept on crying and crying and my heart who beats so loud that it echoed in my ears, all those sounds make my world dark. I remembered a bit about that night, but it lasted for hours and hours until I saw some light coming from the sky just outside the window. The sun was already rising when my father took the suitcase that my mother packed for him. When he started to walk, both my siblings run to him, leaving me alone dumbfounded on the couch. They clung to father's leg but mother forcibly pulled them away from him. He start walking again towards the door, and leave us without turning his back. After my father left us for about a month, he then went home and hugged my mother. I thought that they have already made up and love each other again. Seeing my mother being depressed, which I did not have any idea before what is that word, I always got blank out and just looked at her, crying on the floor while mumbling to her self some foreign words. Because of that, I heard some of our neighbours talking. They said that my mother has lost her sanity because my father had women for years. I did not know how or where they got that information, but thanks to them, I finally understand the true meaning of cheating. My mother overcame her situation when she cried while hugging me. She complained things and asked for my help. She only asked that is reasonable for the oldest daughter to do. "Take care of your siblings.. Cook meals for them. Teach them the right manners. Be a second mother to them..." she looks blankly at me while slowly combing my hair and whispering the things she wants me to do. I watched her eyes to be pure black, as if she sealed away her tears and emotions. I watched her face to be dimmed with my shadow as the lamp lighted her room dimmer than the usual. I nodded my head. If that's the least I can do to lessen her cries in the night, then, I'll do as much as that. For a month, I obeyed my mother's order to me. I am in third grade that time and I terribly do bad at my studying because I took care of my younger siblings. Markaire was already in the nursery grade. While Norcaire, the youngest among us, stays in the house with my depressed mother and Aunt Grace. Aunt Grace was the one who, sometimes, like twice a week, stays in the house to be a big sister to my mother and a good aunt to us. I learned to things from her as my mother made herself busy to work. Aunt Grace taught me how to clean the house, cook a decent meals, wash the dishes and clothes, and how to properly take care of my younger siblings. In a month, I felt like my whole mindset became different. I no longer stayed late at school just to play. I denied all the opportunities my teachers offered me to join a competition because that will require to stay late at school to practice. I ate lunch with Markaire and declined my classmates offer to eat lunch with me. In a month, I became alone in school. But I thought that it will be over when my father came back. My princess-like life will be back. I will play with my friends and try to do my best at school. Go home with a baked snacks from my mother and tell her stories about my day. I will get to free myself to the mother-image to my siblings. And of course, reality is far from the fairytales. When my father came back, my parents didn't talk to each other when my siblings and I are present. My mother will shout at him every single night. Instead of laughters when we watched our favourite tv show, silent filled the living room. Instead of eating with full of funny stories, mother's complaints about how bad the meal I cooked will be heard in the table. Instead of going out to a park every free time, we will stay indoors while watching my parents shout and fight. Maybe the reason why my father never stay more than a whole day in the house. And because of that, they rarely remember that they have children. My mother will wake me up and my siblings to make us eat breakfast, took us to a bath, prepare our lunch, and give us a ride to school. Norcaire will be send to Aunt Grace's house and I will came to pick her up and the three of us will go home. I'll cook dinner for the three of us, wash the dishes, and prepare my siblings to sleep. That routine lasts for years until we moved to Laguna, 4 hours away from our previous house. Trying to live our new life as a happy complete family. "So, it is a yes or yes?" I blinked when my bestfriend's face zoomed up to my vision. I can see her curved eyelashes, perfectly trimmed eyebrows, and very persuading hazel brown eyes. I frowned and laughed as I poke her forehead using my index finger and pushes her to make her sit on her chair. "What are you talking about?" I asked while lifting my wine glass and swirl it around gently while looking at the red liquid inside of it. She groaned but sit back on her chair and start cutting her steak while glancing at me. I raised an eyebrow before taking a sip to my wine. "I said that my friend's who have a friend who happen to have a friend, asked me to a mixers! They said I should bring friends since they are 5 in their groups." "Just how many blind dates do you need before you found your 'the one'? I really hope that you find him soon so you will stop pestering me to attend group blind dates." She gasped at me like she was shocked after I quoted the word the one using my fingers. I shake my head as if I'm disappointed at her and eat the carbonara I ordered. "Dude, I'm doing you a favor here so we can both find our 'the one'! I thought you said it will be nice if we both find our love at the same time and at the same place, you liar!" I looked around and straightened my back when I saw some customers who are eating like us, are now looking at our table. I guess since it's payday that this second-class restaurant has a lot of customers than before. Some stand-by waiters start looking at our table. I hide my face by sipping a wine before looking at my bestfriend who's glaring at me and keep on saying things I didn't remember I said. The restaurant has a calm and cozy ambiance that is filled with a very classical violin instrumental music and a bit of light from the walls, this restaurant is known for the couples. Just earlier, there was a man who proposed to his girlfriend and they got engaged. And that was the start of mentioning marriage. At first, she talked about her wedding dream, which was different from the one she mentioned last year. Then, she talked about her exes and their 'plans' that goes in thin air after they broke up. And, because someone texted her, she changed the topic from her to me. I glares at her and put down my wine glass. I put my index finger on my lips and signed her to lower her voice. But, I think she is naturally borned with a loud voice. Lynangel Mercurio, one of my bestfriends since eighth-grade and my closest of all the closest bestfriends, a tall, slender, tanned-skin body with a cupid's bow's lips, luscious pair of hazel brown eyes and a perfect small circle-shaped head with a very straight waist-length black hair. When I first met her as a seatmate, I never once thought that we were gonna be so close to each other for almost fifteen years. "Will you please volume down your voice? You're embarrassing me again." "Wow!" she exclaimed and put down her knife and fork while glaring all the customers who looks at us, "This is a medium public place! People pay so they can sit, eat and talk. They can't just suddenly..." I hide my face using my palms. I just want the ground to eat me. If I have known that she will b***h out in this classy restaurant, I should have force her to stay at my condo! I sighed and looks at her. Her head was facing on her right side but her eyes remained at me. Her eyes are telling me what she wants. I think it is a habit of being with someone for years that you can read their mind through gestures and eye contact. I shake my head and lean my back on the chair as a sign of surrender. "I'll do it, okay? Just shut the f**k up and stop embarrassing me." I shouldn't said yes that time.