It's You

Lost

"I'm sorry Danny, they are gone. The first responders did everything they could." Thats what the police officer said in the most sympathetic voice he could muster. Everything else faded away, everything but those words.

On Saturday morning, while driving to the Science Museum, a semi-truck driver fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the median and hit them head on. Mom, Dad, and Jamie were all dead by the time paramedics got to the scene. I keep hearing it all over and over again in my head, but it doesn't make any sense. How could this be happening to me? Thankfully, I don't have to identify the bodies, Mr. Baker did that while we were at the mall, and the police were at the house delivering the news and making sure the Bakers were going to go forward with their guardianship or if they needed to place me with children's services. Mrs. Baker would never have that. She gave the officers the sealed envelopes my parents gave them in case of anything like this ever happening. It contained copies of their wills, Jamie's and my important documents, everything they would need to sell the house, and everything to set the trusts up for Jamie and I had he lived. It was only me now. I had some family from my dad's side a few hours away, but we were not that close.

Mr. & Mrs. Baker took care of the arrangements and Missy just sat quietly with me every day. She never leaves my side and I love her for it! She doesn't prod or try to make me talk, she just sits and holds my hand or plays with my hair, as she knows it soothes me. There is this unbelievable pain that I don't think will ever go away! My birthday is in 2 days, May 8th, and we will be burying my Mom, Dad, and Jamie tomorrow. I don't know what I am supposed to feel. Anger and sadness are all that I feel. I am so mad that they are gone, and none of it feels like it's real. It feels like a dream and I really want to wake up! I pick at dinner. Missy has me take a shower and once I am out, dressed and lying in bed, she has Dom come sit with me while she showers. Like I can't be left alone!

"I'm so sorry Danny" Dom says, not making eye contact with me. I don't respond, because I truly don't know what to say. I just started sobbing again. This is how it will go again tonight. I will sob until I pass out, then I will wake up and sob some more until sleep takes me again.

I am not sure what I was thinking other than I needed comfort and Dom was there. I sat up and scooted over to him. He wrapped one of his big arms around me while I cried, then he scooped me up and got himself comfortable on the bed so that he was holding me in his lap. I was snuggled in his lap like an inconsolable toddler, and he just held me. I don't know when sleep found me, but I was grateful. I opened my eyes and discovered that I was still being held by Dom, and he was fast asleep with Missy next to us. I tried to get up without waking him or Missy, but his eyes opened the moment I moved.

"Are you OK?" he asked. "Do you need water, food? I can get you anything you need!"

"I just really need to pee" I said, looking up at him. Bad Idea. As soon as our eyes met, I had this rush of heat run right through me like a fire. I quickly looked away and scrambled off him as quickly as I could. I made my way to the restroom, where I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. I made sure to throw some water on my face before opening the door to head back up the hall to Missy's room. Bam!!! Walked right into Dom on the way out.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" he asks, and right on que my stomach growls and he laughs. "Let me make you some pancakes at least" he says, taking my hand and guiding me down the stairs to the kitchen. I sit there in silence as Dom makes us both some pancakes and finally sits down and hands me the syrup.

"Thanks" I say half-heartedly.

"Someone needs to make sure you stay healthy," he says, watching me take a small bite. After we eat, we head back upstairs, since it is only 3 am, no one else is awake, and I should try to sleep more before the funeral. I reached for Missy's door knob and Dom grabbed my hand, pulling me to his room instead and my heart jumped into my throat.

"What are you doing?" I ask. I've never been to Dom's room and once we are inside his cologne hits me and its intoxicating.

"I don't want to wake Missy up, she hasn't been sleeping much either." he says, sitting on his bed and turning the T.V. on. He patted the bed next to him. "Come on, let's watch T.V. and see if we can get you back to sleep for a few more hours!"

"Thanks Dom." I said with a small smile. I crawled up on the massive bed and curled up next to him.

"We don't have to talk, but if you need to, I am right here." he said, and it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling I have never felt before.

"I don't know what to say to anyone. Especially when they tell me how sorry they are, I don't know what they want to hear. The only thing I want to do is feel something other than pain and anger." I say as I start to cry again. Dom Scoops me onto his lap and holds me while I cry and Sleep finds me again.

When I wake up, I am in Dom's arms on his bed, in his room. As soon as I move, he is awake and his grip tightens.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"Back to Missy's room so that no one gets the wrong idea" I say as I try to make my way off the bed.

"OK, I'll come to." he says as he gets out of bed.

"Why?" I asked

"Because, right now, you need us and Missy and I will always be here for you, always." he says with a stern nod. No use arguing. Dom and Missy are very much alike in their stubbornness. If they make a decision, that's it, they stick to it like glue. Back in Missy's room, Dom and I sat on the floor so we didn't wake up Missy and as I was snuggled up to him letting him rub my back, I looked up and made eye contact. There was something different in his eye. Not the same sympathetic look I have been getting for the last 5 days, but a longing almost. A need I couldn't describe. This time he broke eye contact and just held me until Missy sat up and asked me how I was feeling.

The funeral was beautiful, full of the Lilies that I know my mother would have just loved. All 3 of them looked like they were sleeping peacefully, but I knew that they were gone and that this was the last time I would ever see them again. I made sure to tell them all I love them and kissed them goodbye. Missy held my hand the whole time, never leaving my side. Mrs. Baker was also very attentive, making sure I had something to drink and that I had plenty to eat. At the cemetery, after everyone that wanted to speak said their goodbyes, they lowered them into the ground, and they were gone. There was a Wake after for anyone that wanted to continue to share stories and remember my parents and brother. I asked Dom to just take me to my old house so that I could collect some more of my clothes. We are not going to go through the house for a few months so that I can be a bit more emotionally stable before getting into all of their belongings. Most of the house will be packed up and moved to a storage unit until I get a place of my own and I can use the furniture that I want to keep.

I haven't stepped foot into this house since it happened. It smells like home the moment we walk in the door. Dom guides me to the stairs with one hand on the small of my back. Missy is going to clean up the kitchen, pack up the food, and make sure no dirty dishes are attracting bugs while the house is empty. My room is right across the hall from Jamie's and I can't even look at his door. I get my duffle bag from the closet and start to fill it with my clothes and any little things that I want to have with me for the next few weeks. Dom sat on the bed and watched. After my bag was full, I went to my bathroom to get my toiletries together and lost it when I saw my mom's necklace that she was letting me wear to my birthday party. Down I went, but before I hit the floor Dom was there to break the fall. There we sat on my bathroom floor crying in Dom's lap while he rocked me back and forth like an infant. I looked up at his face and, before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine. He broke the kiss almost as quickly as he started it. I was in pure shock. Not only did Dom just kiss me, but he made me feel something. Maybe only lust, but it was not pain or anger, and I wanted to get lost in it.

"I am so sorry" he said, setting me on the floor and backing away. "I can't believe I just did that."

"It's ok" I said, and I meant it.

"I shouldn't have kissed you" he said. "you just looked so sad, and I wanted to make you feel better" and then he walked out of the bathroom and back downstairs. A few minutes later Missy was there helping me carry everything to the car while Dom was packing all the food into the trunk.

"What happened up there?" she asked. "Dom came down and said we needed to switch and that you needed me, not him."

"I saw my mom's necklace in the bathroom and lost it," I said, trying to be convincing. "He was really uncomfortable coming into the bathroom to check on me."

"Sounds like Dom." she says, shaking her head. "He could've just gone in and comforted you, big dummy."

"You, Dom, and your parents have been so amazing!" I told her. "I just can't begin to thank you guys for everything! Tomorrow is going to be so hard and canceling our weekend bash is just going to top everything off!"

"We are not canceling our Birthday party!!" She says in protest. "Mom and Dad both said that the therapist says you should try to get back to making plans and trying to make a new normal." I just stared at her. I really do not think that a party is going to be the best thing, but I have 2 weeks to try to get her to let me cancel it.