It's You

Can't Go back

Staring at my new swimsuit and my special outfit for the party lying on the bed ready to go in the duffel bag for the lake house party. She can be such a pain in the ass, but I love her! I thought to myself. Missy would change the subject every time I brought up canceling the party or maybe changing the dates. There was just no use in fighting it. I packed everything up and put the bag under the bed to wait for the trip on Friday morning. It's Wednesday and I have not been able to sleep without Dom, so we hang out with Missy until she falls asleep, and then we go to Dom's room on the bigger bed, and he curls around me and I slip away into sweet, sweet sleep. I wake up early to go back into Missy's room and sneak into her bed or start making breakfast if I don't want to go back to sleep. I am getting too comfortable sleeping with him, but he is leaving soon, and I just hope I can sleep without him.

Missy tried to talk me into doing something for my birthday, but I shot everything down. A birthday without my family seemed wrong. I just wanted to stay home from school, stay in bed all day, and maybe order a pizza and watch movies. I'm pretty sure Dom talked to her, and the 2 of them set up the greatest movie night ever. Missy passed out in the middle of the 3rd movie, and Dom was out by the end. I covered them both up with a few throws off the couch, cleaned up the open food, and went back in to start movie 4. It was nice to see them relax a bit. One of them is always by my side, making sure I am doing ok, never leaving me alone for long unless I am in the bathroom. Which did not stop Missy from barging in when she thought I was taking too long.

Tonight we were going with Dom to a graduation party, and I am not looking forward to all the people, but I am interested in drinking enough to make me forget about the pain for a bit. Which I made a note to talk about with Missy. "Do not let me drink too much!! I'm serious", I pleaded with her. "I really do not want to make a fool of myself in front of all those people!"

"I will stop you at 3? 4?..... Just give me a number and I will make sure you do not cross it!!" she tells me. "I am just so glad you decided to come!"

"Yeah, you're lucky I am such a softy, or you would be on your own with big bro keeping all the boys away!!" I teased her about Dom not allowing anyone to get too close to his baby sister. Because of this, she is extra boy crazy, and she gets carried away. I have to make sure to watch her tonight too!

"Neither of you will be drinking anything but soda or juice!" Dom says, entering the kitchen and apparently our conversation. Missy and I looked at each other and laughed.

"I think we will be fine on our own, Dom!" Missy says. "We don't need a sitter!"

"End of conversation ladies, no drinking tonight for you 2." and then he went back up the stairs and into his room with his coffee. Missy and I shake our heads and enjoy our cereal while we discuss all the things we want to do this summer before our senior year.

The party is in full swing by the time Dom gets us there, and you can tell that everyone is already having way too much fun. I really don't want to be here! The thought keeps hitting me as we head into the house. The music is loud, the smell of beer and pot is overwhelming. "No drinking! "I mean it," Dom says, as he leads us to the bonfire in the backyard. Missy and I see Alex, Carla, and Max sitting by the pool. We happily ran to friendly faces. Max passes a joint to Alex and jumps up to wrap us in his signature bear hug. Missy and I met Alex when we hit middle school. He was from one of the other elementary schools in the area. Max came that same year and they have been together ever since. Carla moved here last year after her Dad lost his job. We are not a rowdy group aside from the occasional joint, and that is exactly why they are my people! After lots of laughter and a few hits, I needed a drink and possibly the restroom. I decided to go to the restroom first, since most of the girls seemed to be outside dancing. I didn't expect to see Dom on the couch with a skinny little red head, acting like her face was the first meal he had seen in weeks. I also didn't like the feeling that was stirring. Am I jealous? Why do I want to scream? Get Ahold of yourself! I thought and headed back out the door.

"Hey Danny! Want a drink", Greg asked, tall, dark hair, blue eyes, and the captain of the hockey team. In his hand was a blue cup of orange liquid.

"Sure, just not that." I said, not trying to sound like an ass, but really I am not taking an open drink at a party! "But I'll take a can if there is one."

"Lets go get you that can" he said, smiling and downing the contents of the cup. Showing me I had nothing to worry about most likely. I have watched enough True-Crime shows with Missy and my mom to know better, even if I know the person. We sat and talked about plans for the summer and hinted that we could hang out with some friends and even invited Missy and me to a few parties for the summer.

"Do you think I could get your number, I can text you about the parties?" he asked, and I happily punched my number on his phone, called myself before handing it back to him.

"It was really nice getting to know you a little more, Greg. Thank you for hanging out with me," I said with a shy smile.

"The pleasure was mine." He replied as he reached in for a hug, which I happily returned. I broke away to look at him and, before I knew it, he leaned in and his lips brushed mine soft and sweet. He walked away, leaving me with a smile on my face and, no doubt, rosy cheeks. When I looked up, there was Dom and he looked livid. I don't understand what he is upset about. Scanning the pool area, I see Alex and Max cuddled up in the same spot, while Carla and Missy are in a lounge chair with Chad. I already knew I need to go get her before Dom beats Chad to death.

No one said a word on the way home. I assume Dom would give Missy the usual silent treatment, and she would coax him out of it with her pouting and remind him he was leaving soon. Watching them argue makes me miss Jamie, and the tears come slowly. I don't want to be comforted, so I wait to let the full cry out in the shower and I can wash it all away. Once out of the shower, Dom and Missy were on her bed laughing and joking, so I headed downstairs for some water before going to bed. Mr. & Mrs. Baker are no doubt in bed, so the house is quiet and dark. I down my glass of water and turned to go back to the stairs and slam right into Dom.

"Geeze, Make some noise every once in a while" I said as I dragged myself off the floor..... Nothing...... He says nothing, he doesn't even look at me. "What the hell Dom?" I asked, waiting for a response that does not come. Instead, he steps around me, going for the fridge. Not wanting to look like an i***t just standing there, I went to walk back up the stairs, and he grabbed my arm, spins me around to face him.

"What is your damage?" I ask while he just stares at me.

"I don't like Greg." he said. Are you f*****g kidding me? I thought he had been in his friends' group for years.

"What does that have to do with me?" I ask, still confused by his statement. No answer was given, he just lingered for a few more moments and walked up to his room.

Missy and I stayed up talking for a bit longer. Our birthday bash was the day after tomorrow, and she was trying so hard to get me excited about it. You have to try! You can't heal unless you try to create new memories and happiness. I keep reminding myself of what my therapist keeps telling me. So I try to stay positive, and I am happy to know that she has taken the guest list down a bit and it's now just going to be some close friends and Dom with a few of his buddies. We were watching some T.V. and I knew she had fallen asleep, so I made my way to Dom's room. His door was open and, by the sounds of it, he was in the shower.

I was going to just go back to Missy's room, and then I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I could see everything, the mirror on his dresser gave me a full view of him in the shower. Watching the water fall down him, I couldn't help but watch. He was gorgeous! I knew that already but never looked at him like that. My heart felt like it was in my knees as I watched him tilt his head back into the water, his eyes closed and his hand reaching down. Why are you still watching? Move..... go..... My brain would not connect with my body and I wouldn't or couldn't move. My jaw had to have been on the floor. Then he opened his eyes, he opened his beautiful eyes, and they met mine, and I must have had a stroke. I swear I saw him smile... A new dread washed over me..... Nothing will ever be the same again! I thought, sprinting back to Missy's room and locking the door. What the hell just happened? What was he thinking about? The thoughts kept coming, no pun intended. I had this overwhelming need to know what he was thinking about. The way he touched himself, that smile, I wanted so badly for it to be me. I wanted to be the one to touch him, and for him to touch me. I am officially in hell.... All I can do is hope that he forgets about it.