You Saved Me Once

Dear Alex “How are you feeling Alex?” “I’m fine.” I say. I’m driving to Adam, and Rochelle’s in the passenger seat. I feel her gaze on me. “I’m worried for Adam.” I say. The heater blows loud, I turn it down. “Thankfully he’s not too far.” She laughs to lighten the mood. “It’s kind of far. Thanks again, for coming though.” I say, she nods as a “your welcome”. “You know, I’m glad you asked me to come. I haven’t seen you in almost two weeks.” She says, and I nod. “Yeah, things have been crazy.” I say. “How’s college prep going?” Rochelle asks. “Good.” I lie. “How’s Jeff?” She asks. “Better.” I say. “How’s Hayes?” I ask. The car’s quiet again. I turn up the music to balance things out. It doesn’t take long for us to reach the university fraternity houses. They’re big, loud, but not abandoned. There are a few people on the front lawn. They wave at us, some yell. Without the music, the fraternities would look gloom. I can hear the music spitting out from each frat. I park at Adam’s fraternity house. The bass shakes my car. Rochelle and I get out and walk up to the front door. There are people everywhere, touching, kissing, having fun. We walk into the house, there’s warmth everywhere. Everyone’s so close, touching. The bass pulses our touching bodies and connects us all. The lights are dim, a dirty green. A group of shirtless guys bolt past us, they’re cheering. Everything smells like cheap alcohol; it burns my nose. The music is too loud to carry a conversation. I try anyways. “Call me if you find Adam.” I say to Rochelle. She nods. She flashes her bedazzled phone in the air. The dirty green lights bounce off of her phone. She smiles through the bass. Then we split up. She starts downstairs, secretly following the shirtless guys that passed us not too long ago. I go upstairs. There are three levels in this fraternity, I’m on the second one now. This level is still packed. The only difference is the music, and the light. It’s now a dim, dirty purple. I scan the room, each time I regret not bringing my camera, or polaroid. Still no sight of Adam. Someone hugs me from behind. It feels familiar. “Alex.” His voice is heavy. I turn to him. It’s DJ guy from Adam’s party. He looks sedated. His hair is greasy, some parts hang over his face. The purple light makes his dewy, pale face, look vibrant. The intensity of the purple almost hides the dark bags under his eyes, it could pass as eyeliner. He keeps a lit cigarette in his mouth, it’s buzzing red. I watch the smoke float around, then disappear in the purple light. When I keep staring at him, he blows his cigarette smoke in my face. I nudge him. “Do you smoke?” He asks. “No!” I laugh. He tries to grope me again, I allow it. One of his friends jerks him away from me. He disappears with the cigarette smoke. “You still owe me a dance Richards!” He shouts. I can’t see him anymore. My feet start to move and walk around the second level looking for Adam. I pass lots of doors, most locked, some unlocked, and even doors wide open. One of the rooms, with the door wide open had a group of college people circling a bed, some standing around. They were smoking and inhaling a line on a mirror plate. This reminded me of Jeff… Adam was standing in the corner of the room, head down. He’s holding a bottle of alcohol half empty. I run over and tap him. He slowly turns his head to me, dazed. Adam doesn’t recognize me. I ask him if he’s ready to go home, and he nods. At this point I’m freaking out because I’ve never seen him like this before. I get him out of the room, now we’re being shoved by dancing people on level 2. My arms start to give out as I’m pulling his entire weight and my own. We fall into a group of guys. I apologize more than once to them, knowing that without the purple light, my face would be beet red. “Don’t worry about it.” A girl helps me up. I hadn’t noticed until now that it’s Lorene, Adam’s girlfriend. She helps me carry Adam to his room, which is on the third level. There are no colorful lights, or loud music playing on this level. Only now can I see vomit all over Adam’s clothes, and mine. Lorene looks sadder now, still beautiful but sad. I feel a little anger towards her, seeing Adam in such distraught and knowing Lorene was right there and wasn’t helping. We reach his door, but it’s locked from the inside. Lorene doesn’t look surprised; she grabs a key from her back pocket. My hands are starting to clam up from the tension I feel and see on her face. The anticipation is starting to worry me. “He left his wallet downstairs; can you go and grab it Alex?” She asks. I’m even more scared and tensed now, because she’s lying. I can tell. “Yeah, sure.” I mumble, wanting to cry. As I’m backing away from the door, I hear movement in Adam’s room. I look at Lorene for confirmation, but she looks down guilty. “Be careful.” She mutters. I force a smile and nod at her. Everything starts making sense now. I’m crying now. I turn away from Lorene before she can see, before she stops me from leaving. I run downstairs, looking for Rochelle. While looking for her I open an unlocked door, and I find her going down on one of the shirtless guys from earlier. She stops and gets up alarmed. “What are you doing?!” I cry. “Are you okay? What happened, where’s Adam?!” She asks. She was genuinely worried, I haven’t even noticed until now, but she is walking towards me about to give me a hug. I push her away before she can touch me. “Can we just go?!” I cry. “Yeah, where’s Adam?” She asks. “With Lorene.” I say. “Let’s go get him.” Rochelle insists. “He’s not coming, so let’s just go!” I shout. “Alex, what’s wrong?!” She asks. I avoid her question, I wanted to tell her who else was here, but I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. The secrets would spill out too. The guy is still sitting on the bed, fixing his pants. “Rochelle you don’t even know him.” I state. My words hurt her, but I don’t stop. “So, he’s really nice.” She smiles. “What’s wrong with you?!?” I scream. I run out of the room and slam the door behind me. I catch my unsteady breath while leaning against a wall and start crying. Before I know it, I’m on the second level, looking for Adam’s wallet that doesn’t exist. I was intentionally following a lie because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know where to go, and I forgot how to breathe. I’m standing alone in the middle of the purple level. I liked the feeling of being lost amongst people who were lost too. With my eyes closed, the music makes me happy, allows me to image a happier time. Someone calls my name. I look across the room and see Hayes. Everything inside of me freezes. Everything inside of me throbs, it’s hard to breathe again. ~~~~~