Happiness Is A Choice

Love was

"Tanch? Are you okay? You looked like you haven't slept all night."

Because I really haven't slept all night.

Tanch ignored Lacey and just buried her head on her arms. 

Sarah sat next to Tanch and whispered to her. 

"Love. Are you okay?"

"Come to my house, any time you want. I'll wait for your decision if its Sarah then you'll lose everyone or everyone and just lose Sarah."

Tanch clenched her first when James' voice crossed her mind. 

Damn him.

"Love."

Sarah again called in a whisper and touch Tanch on her arm.

Tanch was startled by Sarah's touch and raised her head and meet Sarah's shocked eyes. 

"Sorry Sarah. I'm okay. I'm just- I'm sleepy."

Tanch averted her eyes at Sarah and instead look at the front.

Why our teacher is late?

Sarah held Tanch's face to look at her and massage the side of her eyes.

"Tanch how are you going to continue your life when suddenly everyone you thought loved you turned their backs to you? Just because you turned into a dyke. Just because you become immoral. Just because you let these pictures get on the internet. How will you live then? Can you just ignore those judgemental stares and endless called whispers but it's loud and clear to your ears? Can you do that? Can you live with that kind of life?"

Tanch moved her face away from Sarah's hands and look around in fear in case someone suspects them.

What does she think she is doing? Didn't she know we're in a public place? Isn't she afraid that someone will see us and suspect us having a relationship?

Tanch's hand trembled just by thinking of other people finding out her relationship with Sarah. Good thing, her hands were under the armchair so no one will notice it. 

"S-Sarah we're in a public place. D-don't just act sweetly."

Sarah's eyes saddened but kept her smile on her face. 

"Sorry, Tanch. I'm just worried. Are you okay? You have bags under your eyes."

"Yes, Sarah. It just that I haven't slept all night because my neighbors partied all night long."

"Is that so? Should I beat them all?" 

Sarah playfully asked then flex her thin arms. 

Tanch giggled at her playful actions and for a few seconds, she forgot her problem.

"You're crazy Sarah." 

The two laughed at each other and only stopped when the teacher finally arrives. 

--

"Where is Tanch?"

Sarah asked as she put down her meal on the table. 

Aria and Patty shrugged their shoulders and busied themselves in their foods.

Sarah excused herself and left the cafeteria.

Maybe she's in the Supreme Student Council office.

On her way to the Supreme Student Council office, she met Rayce, the Supreme Student Council secretary, and confirmed that Tanch is really in the office. 

Sarah knocked 3 times on the door and waited for someone to open the door but no one came out so she opened it and found Tanch lying on the couch with her hands covering her eyes from the light. 

Sarah sits on the floor and looks at the beauty on her front. 

She really is beautiful. A goddess came down from heaven.

She was about to wake up Tanch when she remembered that she haven't slept all night so she just put her hands down and put her chin above her knees and look at her. Admiring every visible feature Tanch had. 

My life was a mess. No one cares to give me so much attention and love except you. Back then, it was Chloe. But Chloe, after helping me climb out the hell for a good damn year pushed me back lower and deeper into hell. And now, here I am, letting someone again enter my life. 

Sarah wiped the tear that escaped from her eyes and smiled even if Tanch couldn't see it. 

I know for sure, you won't hurt me as much as Chloe did. 

"I love you Tanch."

Sarah closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep in that position. 

It was already 11:45 when Tanch wakes up and groaned in pain. 

Headache again.

She slightly massaged her head and sit at the sofa while still keeping her eyes close. 

When she opened her eyes, she saw Sarah sitting on the floor. Her chin was placed above her knees and her eyes closed. 

Sarah. What are you doing here? Sleeping on the floor?

Sarah lost her balance and was about to fall on the floor when Tanch caught her on her arms.

Sarah fluttered her eyes opened and saw the girl of her dreams' face close on hers. 

"Tanch. Finally, you're awake." Sarah reached for Tanch's cheeks and caressed it.

"What are you doing here Sarah? Why are you sleeping here?"

Sarah stands and sits beside Tanch.

"Err, you skipped lunch and I look for you and saw you sleeping here. I didn't wake you 'cause I remember you telling you haven't slept all night. Did you eat before you sleep, love?"

Tanch heart skipped a beat and guilt crossed her system.

Of course, she's worried about you. She never stops thinking about me. And here I am, avoiding her and kept being alone. I'm worse.

"I'm sorry for making you worried, Sarah."

"It's okay love. Did you eat already?"

Tanch didn't get a chance to answer because her stomach does the honor as it growled in hunger. 

Sarah giggled and reached out for the sandwich and water on the table.

"Eat this. We still have 7 minutes before the class starts."

Tanch took it from Sarah's hand after murmuring her thanks. 

"How about you? Did you eat already?"

"Yes, of course, love."

Sarah lied and smiled at Tanch. 

Tanch stopped eating and stared at Sarah.

"Why are you crying, love? Is it not enough? Are you still hungry?"

Tanch didn't notice the tears that fell from her eyes. 

Thinking that one day I'll wake up and not see you anymore, you're not holding my hands anymore, you're not wiping my tears for me anymore; thinking that I need to leave you makes me cry. I can't. I don't want to. But I need it. Why?

Sarah in panicked reached out for her face and wiped her tears. 

"No Sarah, it's more than enough. I'm just- I just remembered something."

Sarah held Tanch in a tight hug.

"Tanch do you love me enough not to leave me?"

Tanch broke out in silent tears. She wants to say yes. She loves Sarah. She loves Sarah so much that her heart would burst just by seeing her. But James was right, love was never enough to make someone not leave you. Love will never be enough.

"Yes, Sarah. I do love you." 

But I don't think it's enough to make me brave and face problems with you. I'm a coward. I'm the type of person who believes, "If you can't solve the problem, then run away from it."

--

"Tanch! Finally got you alone."

Tanch looked back at Lacey walking closer to her.

She tossed her bag inside her car and face Lacey.

"What is it, Lacey?"

"How is it? Is it successful?"

Tanch creased her forehead at Lacey.

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean James! You told me last Friday that you're planning to break up with James. How is it?"

Tanch averted her gaze to Lacey as she remembered that hell night. 

I can't tell Lacey that James blackmailed me and the situation was reversed. That now, I'm planning to break up with Sarah to save myself from having a messy life. 

"It's a- I didn't get a chance to talk with James alone that day."

"What? Then why didn't you invite him to go somewhere where you two can be alone and talk?"

"I did." And it turns out bad. "But he refused, saying he's busy."

Lacey sighed and pouted her lips. 

"I'll just try on other days. For now, I'll excuse myself cause mom wants my help on something."

Lacey just nods and the two bid goodbyes on each other. 

Sorry, Lacey for lying. 

--

I was greeted by James' smirking face while leaning on lockers when I slammed my locker's door. 

"Hi, babe."

I gulped and clenched my fist tightly. I closed my eyes for a few seconds to suppress the anger that's building upon me then face him.

"What do you need?"

"Nothing special babe. Just want to remind you that it's Friday today and tomorrow you should do what is the right thing to do."

I was about to speak when Sarah showed and stood on my side.

She looks coldly to James who got his smirk wider. 

"What do you need from Tanch, James?"

"Oh, Sarah I don't need anything from her. Actually, she's the one who needs something from me, right babe?"

Sarah creased her brows and look at me. 

"D-don't mind her Sarah. C-come on. Let's just leave him alone."

I grabbed Sarah's arm and dragged her out of that place. 

"Tanch, just a piece of advice from your boyfriend. Choose wisely. Use your head, not your stupid heart."

James shouted before we get out of his view.

The f**k are you saying, James? I know what I'm doing. I've already decided. You don't need to remind me and just leave me alone. 

"Tanch?"

Sarah stopped me from walking as she grabs my right arm. 

"S-Sarah, what is it?"

"What is that guy talking about?"

"Don't mind him, Sarah. Let's just go. Come on. I'll take you home."

We get inside my car and I drive peacefully. 

It's odd, she's not talking. Just looking straight. 

Did she figure out already that I'll break up with her? 

"Stop the car."

Sarah spoke while still not looking at me. 

"W-what?"

"I said stop the car."

I stepped on the brake and stopped the car. Sarah grabbed her bag and went out of the car. 

--

Tanch, in haste, followed Sarah. She called Sarah a few times but she won't look back. So she runs and grabbed her arm to force her to look at her. 

"What the hell is wrong with you Sarah?"

Sarah looked at her coldly. Her eyes didn't have any emotions. Those eyes used to express how she loves the other girl. But right now, it was dull. 

"Sarah. Tell me, why are you being like this?"

Sarah removed Tanch's hand from her arm then speak. 

"I don't have a problem Tanch. You, you are the one who has a problem. Don't you think that I didn't notice that these past few days you changed? You barely talk to me. You're not calling me love anymore. You seem distant. You're always spacing out. You- You looked like you don't love me anymore."  

Sarah looks away from her.

Tanch was shocked. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what to do. She didn't plan it. It's just that she's been consumed by James blackmailing things all the time and she didn't notice that she's being distanced to Sarah, that she's not addressing Sarah as love anymore. She didn't notice that Sarah felt like she doesn't love her anymore. 

I do. I do love you Sarah with all my heart. But I can't love you anymore. It's not right and will never be right. The world will never allow this. We'll forever hunt by judgemental stares and words. We will never be happy by choosing each other. 

The rain started pouring but the two didn't mind it. They remain standing, Sarah was intensely looking at Tanch. And Tanch can't look at her eyes. She glued her eyes on the floor. She's composing herself and forcing herself not to cry. 

"Tanch. Come on. Tell me. Do you still love me? Do you still love me enough to be brave and fight? Tanch!"

Sarah held Tanch on her shoulders and shook her lightly.

Sarah was pleading. Her eyes were begging for an answer. She was begging Tanch to say yes but instead, Tanch removed Sarah's hands on her shoulder and look at her eyes. Just how she looks is enough for Sarah to broke out in tears. 

"I'm sorry Sarah but I think it's better if we break up already. We will never be happy with each other just like we thought we would be. Let's accept the fact and move on. It will never be right to choose each other."

Tanch, without looking back at Sarah's trembling body walked faster to reach her car. She immediately drives away from her to somewhere she doesn't even know where. 

The rain was pouring very hard. Sarah's vision became blurry because of the tears and rain that's falling on her eyes. 

She left me.

--

Tanch wiped the last single tear on her face. 

Why I am crying? I am the one who left her. I finally did it. My life will not be a mess. I'll have a peaceful life, but I will never be happy.

Tanch thought that her tears were finally run out on her eyes but she's wrong. Tears were streaming down her eyes again, it was falling fast she can't even catch with her hands. She cried and cried and cried. She stopped wiping her tears for a moment when she heard something ring inside her car.

She looked for it and found Sarah's cellphone under the passenger seat. 

Lacey is calling...

She didn't answer it and just stared at the device until the screen went off.

Tanch leaned her back on the seat and covered her eyes with her arms.

Great. Now I need to give it back to her after just breaking up with her. 

Tanch looked at the time. It was 7:40 pm already and she still hasn't come home. 

Okay, I'll return it tonight.

Tanch dried her cheeks and looked at her reflection on the rearview mirror.

Her eyes and her nose were turned red. She looks like cried for hours. She really is. 

Not minding her worse reflection she turned the ignition of her car and drive towards Sarah's home. I never really drop her off on her house, only on the 7eleven store. She said her house was only a few feet behind the 7eleven store so I never met her parents, and will never. 

Tanch smiled sadly. 

In just a couple of minutes, she arrived at the store. She was about to go out when a middle-aged woman caught her attention. She was arguing with a middle-aged man in front of the store. The woman was holding a bottle that looks like liquor. She must be drunk. Then a slender figure of a woman stood in front of the two people. She has her back on Tanch and the woman who holds the bottle high and drink its content. 

Tanch slightly lowers the window on the passer seat to listen to the commotion. 

The younger woman bowed to the man and kept muttering apologies.

After a couple of minutes, the man left the two women alone. The slender woman look at the older woman.

"Let's go home, Mom." 

The slender woman tried to touch the older woman on her shoulder but she was shoved by her. 

"Don't touch me. I told you, you're not my daughter! I don't have a murderer child! Get the hell out of my sight and mind your own business! Why don't you do me a favor? Just die already." 

The older woman pushed the young slender woman who fell on to the ground and walked away without even looking back.

Tanch looked at the girl's face. She's not crying. She just kept her expression straight and looking at the ground. She's not happy nor sad. She looks like she was exhausted by this world. She looks like she has tons of problems carried every day on her shoulders. She looks like she doesn't want to live anymore but she must. She looks like she wants to cry but her eyes won't even slip a single tear. She was,

"Sarah."