Alpha Luna Diary: My Personal Obsession

Dear Diary, If You’re Reading This, Then I’ve Already Fallen Too Deep. Open this diary only if you’ve ever loved someone so much that it became a habit. Not a crush, not admiration. A habit. The kind where you look for someone’s face in every crowd. The kind where hearing their name changes your entire mood. The kind where your heart memorizes the sound of their footsteps. Because that’s what happened to me. And this story? This story begins at the end. On that day, the forest smelled like rain. Cold wind brushed against my skin, carrying the scent of pine and damp earth. The moon above us was huge and bright, so bright that it made the tears on my cheeks sparkle. I hated that I was crying. I hated that I couldn’t stop. Most of all, I hated the boy standing in front of me. No, that wasn’t true. I could never hate hhim I loved him actually. I just loved him so much that it hurt me sometimes when I think about it. Jack Briggs stood only a few steps away from me, but it felt like he was already a thousand miles away. There was blood on his white shirt. Too much blood. His dark hair was messy, and his hands were shaking. I had never seen him look so broken. The boy I knew was always calm, he always protected everyone, that boy who never seemed afraid even for once since I met him. Now, there is no other expression I can say to describe his pain, he looked terrified. “Please don’t do this,” I whispered. My voice sounded small, pathetic and I hated that too as well. Jack looked at me as if he wanted to memorize my face. The way his eyes lingered on me made my chest ache. I took a step forward. Then another. And another. Until I was standing right in front of him. I reached out and grabbed his hand. It was too cold. That can only reveals that he is in so much fear at the moment. I squeezed it harder. “Please,” I said again, my voice cracking. “Don’t leave.” He closed his eyes and for that second, I thought he might stay. Then he opened them again. There were tears in them. Tears. I had never seen Jack cry. “Marionette,” he said softly, the sound of my name literally hurt me and furthermore, the way he said it nearly broke me. “If I stay… they’ll come after you,” Jack said to me, still putting on the act like staying with me is doing me more harm than letting go. I don’tcare about that. It was so difficult to be able to keep it up to this point, and when I did, you are just going to disappear again just like that, I won’t agree. “I don’t care.” I told him, while holding unto his hand. “You should.” “I don’t!” I could hear my own heartbeat, loud, painful. “I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care about wolves or councils or kings or whatever this is. I only care about you!” The words echoed through the forest. That night was one bringing up a lot of past tragedy between us, the moment we have endured, this was supposed to be my happy ending, not the day we separate. For a long moment, neither of us moved. Then he smiled. It was the saddest smile I had ever seen. “You always say things that make it difficult.” I held his hand tighter. “Then stay, Jack.” He looked at our joined hands, then at me. And suddenly, he reached up and touched my face wiping the dripping tears off my face. His fingers were warm despite the cold night. He gently wiped away my tears. Before I knewit, I leaned into his touch before I could stop myself. I was tired. So tired. Tired of the misunderstandings, tired of keeping the secrets in silence anymore and literally pretending like I didn’t love him. We just got together, and now, he is expecting we separate for my own safety? No way I am letting him go this time. “Jack…” I whispered. He looked like he wanted to say a thousand things. Instead, he said only four words, the four touchy words: “I love you too.” In that moment, everything just stopped, the wind, the sounds and even my breathing. I stared at him. I could have been sure I had heard him wrong because it sounded almost like goodbye. “What?” A small laugh escaped him. It sounded sad. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Marionette.” I instantly forgot how to breathe. This is the moment he is bringing it now, again. No. No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening. This was impossible. The boy I had written about for three years, The boy whose name filled almost every page of my diary, The boy I thought would never love me back actually loved me. I started crying harder which was honestly embarrassing. Because after dreaming about this confession for years, the intended dates and the likes, he finally said those words to me. I had imagined myself doing something romantic, maybe kissing him, maybe smiling, not crying like a child, but I couldn’t stop. I have loved him for a long time now and he also had loved me. Yet somehow, that made everything hurt even more. Because the look in his eyes… It wasn’t happiness. Like I said, It was goodbye. “No,” I whispered. He looked away. “No.” I grabbed his shirt not wanting to let him go. I just got him, will I have to lose him again. Why does he have to say it when he is about to say the goodbye. “You’re not leaving,” I insisted. “Marionette…” he tries to calm me down. I was sober and a little bit, in a sense, bitter. “You’re not,” I disagreed. My voice broke. I hated how desperate I sounded. I hated it because I knew. Somehow… I already knew beforehand that he wasn’t staying. Then I heard footsteps. Several of them. Men dressed in black emerged from the darkness. They looked like shadows. Dangerous shadows. I know who they are. They are here for him. They will take him away. I tightened my grip on Jack’s shirt. He gently removed my hand. I shook my head. “No.” “I’m sorry.” “No,” I insist, feeling very bad. He smiled again. That sad, beautiful smile that I hated, was all he gave before taking the steps back slowly. “If there had been another way…” “There is another way!” I tried to hold firm to Jack. He touched my cheek one last time. Then he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against mine. I could feel his breath, could feel the warmth of his skin, could feel my heart breaking. “Thank you,” he whispered. “For loving me.” Then he stepped away. I reached for him. But my fingers touched nothing because he was now getting farther away “Jack!” I called out with desperation. The moonlight swallowed him. The men in black followed behind him, and suddenly… I was alone. I woke up with a gasp instantly. Turns out, it was only a dream. My bedroom ceiling stared back at me as the thing which I saw. The moonlight coming through my window looked ordinary. Everything looked ordinary. But my heart wasn’t. It was beating so hard that my chest hurt. I sat up. I touched my face. I was crying for real, directly from my sleep. Again. Another dream about Jack. (Jack is the boy at my school who I have a crush with, although our relationship is one sided, and I expected more). I looked at the clock. Three in the morning. Perfect. I can’t believe that I managed to ruin my sleep because of a boy who didn’t even know I existed. Actually, he did know I existed, but there is nothing between us, at least, not yet unfortunately. I reached for the notebook on my bedside table, my personal diary, my only friend who I share my secret and feelings with. It is more than just a thing to me. I opened it. The pages were full. Page after page after page documents my very life, my one sided life. All because of one person, I picked up my pen and wrote my regular: Dear Diary, I dreamed about Jack Briggs again. This time he said he loved me after the date nights and consistent pursuing him in my dream. At least even if I have a low self esteem toward him myself, I can still mutter up courage to be with him actually in my dream. I paused. Then I added: At this point, I think my subconscious needs professional help. A laugh escaped me. I turned another page. There were colored little notes everywhere where I wrote my little quote about him. Jack smiled at me today. Jack held the door open for me. Jack said my name. It was honesty concerning. If truly, obsession were a school subject, I would graduate with honors. I was about to close my diary when something moved outside my window. I froze in fear and panic. I walked gently to the window, trying to check out what it was. A shadow. I stared outside for a minute and slowly looked up. Someone was standing beneath the tree outside my house. He was tall, motionless, just watching my window like a stalker, watching me. I squinted. The moonlight shifted suddenly into the clouds and my heart nearly stopped. It was Jack. He was standing outside my house, at three in the morning, as if he had been there for a long time, as if he was making sure I was safe. I sat there, completely frozen. Then, very slowly… Jack lifted his head and looked directly at me, like into me. Should I say I am graced by his sudden presence or could I call this stalking because legally, that is what it seems to be. At that exact same moment, something moved behind him. Another shadow, this one was larger and its eyes glowed gold in the darkness. To make it creepy, it was smiling.