NOT RETURNING

Episode One My world is a veggie and simply dark. Dark that I barely could perceive anything.If only there's just a dim of light to guide me out of here, I'd give my entire life to. They say when both good and bad moments knock on your door, embrace them. For brief experiences are not forever and a day.Because without a good,there wouldn't be a  bad. But what happens to one that has known just shallow happiness? What happens to me that has seen a full picture of hard lines?  • • • Checking the time on the clock hanging on the wall in my room, it was  already thirty minutes to 2 o'clock in the  pm. For the very first time in my life, suicide has crossed my mind. There were previous thoughts but this time, I really wanted to do it.This feeling of mine is never disappearing.  I can still recall the insults someone I call Mama poured on me earlier today. The words she ejaculated are still lying in my head like a chief in state.That I'm the cause of her financial incapabilities and a child of no worth. What makes matters worse for me is her first fruit who labelled me a witch - my own blood sister.I mean this is someone who should be standing up for me.  I sometimes would wish I was swapped with another baby the very day the world welcomed me. My life has seen only small a portion of  happiness.The only reason I could give myself for Mama's unmotherly apathy towards me is that, I'm a "clone" of  the person who begot me (someone I had seen just once). Innumerable times, Mama would put me in mind of the fact that, I'm the cause of all her setbacks.How? Am I  really a misfortune?  My unhappy days outweigh the happy ones.I use the word "happy" a lot because I've never really identified myself with it. But like they say, there's hope in any hopeless situation. I've always been the bag she pours her anger into? I know she's been trying her very best to provide for me. But what's the essence of getting these things done for me if the right and comfortable environment is not provided?I go to school everyday, with the wish of not going back home.I've dreams that I want to actualise but if the support system is not there,sometimes, just sometimes, you've t be your own support system.  I can't have a healthy conversation with the person who took me in her belly for months. For nine solid months.Calling her "Mama" actually feels like I've sinned. It feels like a bitter food in my oral cavity.  Telling her that Mr.Alfred wanted to have  c**************e with me (about a year ago) would just aggravate matters.To also prevent her from spewing unprintable words like "Ashawo", which translates into English as a slut,I'd rather be mute.  If not for the timely mediation of Mr.Justin,(one of my teachers) I would' ve added up to the number of r**e victims. Why should I have one that I call mother yet there has been no relationship as such? Why should it be so?.  Today's episode was something else. Throwing unwashed bowls at me. Yeah! I was supposed to get that done last night but I had headache from the cries. I think I had a black out and slept on an empty stomach.  Fortunately for me, I dodged the slap that came.  She hit her hand on the wall and threatened to pour the pot of hot water on me. Before she could say jack, I dashed off to the living room.  From the kitchen, I heard her say  " I'm going to my bedroom and before I get back, make sure you pack and leave my house.You can join your useless Father in the city. "  I knew she meant what she said.Because, if she could let me sleep outside for days, as a form punishment for not coming home early, this is actually the least of her deeds.So,with just my phone, - which I won last year in a national quiz competition. Yeah. I'm a high school graduate. I walked out of the room , opened the gate, with no idea of where to go.  I noticed something different about me. I normally would tear up,but it seems I've run out of tears. Going to my father's is definitely not an option.That would be like going from hot oil to fire.So with my phone and the 1,000 cedis in my mobile money account,-cash price from the competition which Mama doesn't know of,- I'm at the bus station thinking of what to do.  Oh I forgot to introduce myself. I'm  ELSIE MENSAH and currently, I'm in a quandary. But there's one thing I'm sure of.I cannot go back.