Strange Talk: In the Zoo

Welcome to our city's grandest of menageries, esteemed guests! This zoological park features a veritable cornucopia of creatures from every corner of the globe, each pampered in their custom-tailored habitats. We trust you and your progeny will revel in the sights! Now, lace up your walking shoes and take heed of these golden rules of the animal kingdom to ensure your visit is splendidly safe – ignore them at your own peril! Our security is tighter than a kangaroo's pouch – there's zilch chance of escape, especially for the daintier grazers locked away in their touch-me-not quarters. Spot a bunny making a break for it? Don't be a hero. Snatch your kiddos and hotfoot it to the nearest zookeeper. Remember: Cuddly as they seem, these are not your garden-variety hoppers. Primate Paradise is a one-street wonder featuring, you guessed it, primates. If by some wizardry you spy a second avenue showcasing bunnies, hang a left and make your exit stage left speedily. Behold the elephant, nature's skyscraper with ears like sails and legs sturdier than the pillars of Rome – none of which, I must point out, are alabaster in colour. Feast your eyes on these giants and nothing else when in Elephant's Eden. Our drink kiosks serve up refreshments, not "Bunny Blood." See it on a shelf? Let's just say it's not FDA-approved. Lurking under the bunny bungalow's foliage solo? Better choices have been made. No oceanarium to be found here. Peddlers pushing aquarium tickets are all wet – show 'em the door. Mirage of a marine exhibit? Dial the number marked on your map post-haste and evacuate the premises. Leave the feeding of bunnies to the pros. Other critters are fair game for your snack-tossing pleasures. Bunnies laughing? That's a rabbit hole you don't want to tumble down. Encounter chuckles near Cottontail Corner not of human origin? Tear off the dotted line on your map, clutch it tight, and don't let go until you're well beyond our gates. Should you flout these commandments and find yourself hopelessly lost or separated from your bosom buddies, rush to the nearest vendor in blue (turn a deaf ear to the black-clad ones) within the hour. They'll whisk you away to the lion's lair for refuge; cower behind a faux rock until the roaring fades, and voila, safety – plus a family reunion at the Lion Lounge. Only four white lions should roam our grounds. Should a lion shout-along include extra participants, refrain from departing until the headcount drops back to quartet-level. Toys galore for the kiddies under 12, bunnies included. Teens get a month with Mr. Cottontail before it's bye-bye bunny. Adults – hands off the hare trinkets. Rabbit-ear adorned patrons heading for the elephants? Red flag! Abandon the pachyderm pitstop, or face the adventure solo, sans safety net. Lion Land equals Safe Land. When all else fails, and you're helplessly cornered, make a bee-line for the big cats. Beware friends who've ditched you once (or more), especially if they're all atwitter about aquariums or elephants. Stick to this script, and you're in for the time of your life at the zoo! Your tykes will haul home joy and wisdom by the bucketload. So mind the rules, stay on the safe side, and here's to a wild whirl of fun with your family and friends!