Me, Him, Us

Chapter 3

Let me give you guys a regular round down of how my weeks typically play out. Obviously during the day I spend most of my day on campus, studying, working, sleeping or my favorite eating. Sometimes I swear I’m pregnant because I could eat for hours and hours on end! But I’m fortunate to have received my Spanish genes because most of my weight gain sits on my hips, I don’t want to say I have a Kim Kardashian body because not even Kim has a Kim body but I won’t deny I am gifted with a body most people would pay for. You would think because of this I would’ve been the Belle of the ball but I was quite the opposite. I don’t know growing up was tough for me, and maybe I guess I didn’t flourish till I was out of high school or atleast that’s what I say to make myself feel better about the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend before. To be fair if I’m working with pure definitions of boyfriend girlfriend then yes Howard is my first boyfriend, gosh I have so much to share with you guys I don’t even know where to start, but let’s start with me being the DUFF of my friend group. Honestly it was kind of unfair, I look at celebrities kids and they’re never ugly, so yes naturally I felt like I was cheated out of celebrity cuteness when I was born and ugly baby. Point my parents aren’t like celebrity celebrities but I mean they are both billionaires, that should’ve given me some sort of pretty factor? Anyways there’s no point arguing with myself, I was ugly period. 

Or maybe my friends were just gorgeous but either way, no boy ever paid me any attention and if he did it was only because my friends had rejected them or they found out I was rich and wanted me for my money, so I did what and rejected broken girl would do and I unlocked my hoe phase. I went crazy, I lost my virginity at the age of 14 with some random guy at a party in the stalls where they milk cows. I woke up the next day with grass in places grass should never be but to continue I was like a raging bull. Taking down everything, and everyone I could I hate myself for it now. Honestly I though that doing all that was what I needed, but it wasn’t if anything I wish I was still a virgin, so I wouldn’t feel like guys only wanted me for my body. Either way after all that happened I plunged into a deep depression, it was hard. I was alone and no one knew I was suffering, but I do commend myself because I alone was the only person able to save myself. The same way i suffered alone and licked myself up alone I’ve never let anyone in. Which is funny right? I’ve been dating Howard for almost 7 months now and I haven’t been able to reveal my darkest truths to him. I think that’s my biggest worry with him, that I’m unable to connect emotionally to him. Which is sad because just like me Howard has suffered with mental issues and that’s what attracted me to him initially the relatability but as days passed I realized he had no problem sharing but when it came for him to listen then suddenly it was mission impossible. 

Can I be honest? I don’t think I actually love Howard, I think I like the idea of Howard. The idea for the first time since leaving high school that a guy picked me first, instead of my friends. Dammit saying that out loud sounds crazy but it’s the truth. Anyways let me give you guys some back story as to how Howard and I became Howard and Belle. 

FLASHBACK 

It was the first week of first year and I was so scared, I was alone because my parents didn’t travel with me they had work so I had to settle in by myself in a foreign country, I was scared shitless. Let’s clear one thing now, I’m such a shy person when it comes to Making friends so I was really out of my element. Since it was first year I opted to staying on campus until I find my footing but it’s already been a week and I feel more lost than when I got here. I’m currently walking around trying to find my class because these timetables make no sense what ere and I missed orientation so it’s my fault, maybe if I’d gone I’d know where I was supposed to be right now. I saw two girls walking in my direction and recognized them immediately both had been in my class so they must be in my group looking for the class as well, this would be a great opportunity to take the first step and initiate conversation. 

I immediately walk up to the one that looks nicer because she’s smiling which must mean she’s kind, hopefully. 

“Hi guys, I noticed you were in my class the other day and I wanted to know if you know where our next class is? I’m Isabella by the way” 

They both look mixed race, and I only assume this because of their hair texture but I was surprised when I heard an Australian accent 

“Yeah I remember seeing you, Hi I’m Samantha and this is Jennifer” the kinder one spoke, I’m glad cause the other one looked like a b***h. Jennifer did give a little wave though. 

“I’m so sorry but we’re just as lost as you” we all have a little laugh 

“Uhm would you mind if we get lost together, I just don’t know anyone else in the class”  I ask sheepishly 

“Girl of course let’s go so we can get to know each other” 

And from there our friendship blossomed, Samantha and I stayed close but not like close close.

Anyways the part of the story that I’m always ashamed to admit is I’d planned that meeting, since I stayed on campus most students would need to walk past my building to get to the bus stop and my window had the most perfect view of everything happening, and that’s when I saw him. I mean Howard is proper 6’4 so naturally he stands out in a crowd but that isn’t what caught my attention, it was his bag, his bright red bag and that is where he got his code name: red bag. It was almost like it was slow motion when I saw him, I felt like such a stalker but I promise I’m not ! When I’d finally broken my trance I saw him walking and talking to 2 girls…Samantha and Jennifer. So fine maybe I was acting a little crazy but honestly it was all a coincidence that they were in my class but yes I am ashamed to admit that the foundation of my relationship with Jennifer was because she knew Howard and I wanted to know him and it worked. As weeks went by Jennifer and I grew closer and closer, we had so much in common honestly we were meant to be, she was and is my soulmate. I mean our birthdays are 7 days apart! If that wasn’t enough of a sign, Howard’s favorite number was 7 so I really felt like the stars had aligned and I had found my husband. 

Anyways I would spend most if my time with Jennifer and it finally happened Howard was celebrating his birthday and invited her, and told her I could come to, this was my moment and I knew but I was not prepared for the events of that night. Probably one of thee most embarrassing nights of my life but anyways go continue we were going to go to a club for his birthday but first pre-drinks would be at his friends house and that’s where we are currently on the way to after taking 3 hours to get ready, with 1 hour spent on panicking with Jennifer. I went with a simple look, blue high waisted jeans, a white crop top with a brown overthrow too I guess? I don’t know whatever, my make up was on my point and I was ready to do this! I’d spent weeks gathering intel and I was ready for my mission. 

We arrive at Gareth’s house and immediately greet everyone with hugs ands damn he looked absolutely delicious just to be clear I mean Howard not Gareth, cause that’s just weird. Back to reality ! 

“Hey birthday boy, enjoying your party?” I smile up at him since my 5’2 frame is so small compared to his 

“Well it’s a party now that you guys have arrived, speaking of have you had your complementary welcome shots?” He asks while leading me towards a table with a variety of vodkas and other alcohol I wouldn’t know, and yes I am losing my mind because his hand is touching my lower back and I feel my uterus tingling. 

Honestly I should’ve known my limits, I should’ve known there was too much riding on this night that I should’ve been more careful but I needed liquid courage to say and do things normal Isabella wouldn’t do, I needed to be brave but as usual I went too far. My mind is still scarred with the memory of that night, it all happened so fast. One minute I was sharing the couch with Howard, laughing and my version of flirting and next thing everything went black and the next couple of hours were a mystery but the little I do remember I wish I didn’t. I vomited all over the bathroom, the vomit was on the walls, the floor and heaven knows how but the ceiling. I was beyond embarrassed, I was ready to kill myself in that bathroom right there and then. What is more unattractive that a girl vomiting her guts out? Nothing that’s the answer. I was at the bottom of the barrel, a disappointment to every girl out there with a crush was ruined. As I sat there with Jennifer who couldn’t stop laughing at my misfortune I was trying to formulate a plan, anything to get me out of this place with a shred of dignity but I came up short, so I did what anyone could do in my place, help my head high and apologies to Gareth for ruining his bathroom but as we open the door to leave the guys are packing up, seeing my confused face Howard speaks 

“Neighbors called the police so let’s get out of here and go to the club” I still wasn’t okay but atleast we were leaving, but it was too late cause they’d seen what happened in the bathroom. I don’t know if it’s because everyone was drunk or that forgiving but everyone laughed it off and I was grateful. 

Sadly the storm hadn’t passed, as we ran for the tram I still wasn’t 100% and I could tell I still had a bit of vomitron in me, and I tried my best to hold it in. We were on the tram and Howard had a hand in my thigh, I knew I was in the zone all I had to do was dance with him at the club and I was sealed for a kiss tonight, but as always nothing ever goes my way and out of nowhere vomit comes out of my mouth and on the tram floor but not before hit Howard’s shoes as well, there was silence. No one dared to say anything I could barely breathe, I’d really f****d everything up. I was about to cry, I’d finally gotten to speak to the guy I liked and I couldn’t handle my liquor? Something I’ve been drinking since I was 14? Surely I should be immune to alcohol at this point ! I was done, I was ready to go home and cry myself to sleep for weeks to come but then, a light came, I could’ve sworn I heard angels singing but no it was Howard, he was holding my hair back and laughing, and slowly everyone started laughed, worst night of my life. 

We finally got to the club and honestly everything got better from there, I sobered up real fast so after thoroughly washing my mouth I finally made moves and kissed Howard, and boy did we kiss and kiss and kiss and I think you get the idea, a lot of kissing happened! 

From there Howard and I started vibing, every weekend I’d go sleep at his place which was hard considering he had a single bed but either way we found away or rather I found a way. Most nights half my body was off the bed and Howard wouldn’t share the blankets but it was worth it right ? I finally got a guy who wants me so a little sacrifices here and there wouldn’t kill anyone. 

Months went by and we had our highs and lows, mostly me I guess. Howard would go weeks without talking to me, I’d cry then take him back, and the cycle would just repeat itself. I don’t know why I was desperate? Why u wanted Howard so badly? Did I want Howard badly or did I want anyone badly? Too many questions. January past and after coming back from winter break I asked Howard if we will ever be serious? 4 months had past and nothing had happened between us. To be honest I was scared, in the back of my mind I had a suspicion that Howard was just using me, for clarity he was a virgin, and after revealing my s****l history I felt like he saw me as an easy lay to break his virginity, not that there’s anything to break since his a guy but you get me. Finally in February he asked me to be his only after I threatened to leave, looking back there were a lot of red flags I ignored but hey I’m human! 

FLASHBACK OVER 

Here we are now almost reaching 1 year of being together so I guess we’ve made some good strides but trust me almost everyday I have doubts, which worries me. I mean I understand a few doubts here and there but should I be feeling them this regularly? I can’t talk to Jennifer about this because honestly she hates Howard. She says he doesn’t treat me right, and he takes advantage of me but I find it so hard to take criticism from someone outside the relationship because in every relationship no one sees that side of your partner but you, I hope that makes sense. Anyways so much story telling guess who’s going out tonighttttt, just for clarity a month has passed. 

Yes this b***h! 

I’m currently on the bus on the way to Jennifer’s house to get ready because glamming with your girls is honestly too important. I get to her house and Rose, Alison and Eve are already there. For clarity they’re from Zimbabwe which is really cool because I really do love the African continent, it just so diverse and I love learning new things so right now they’re teaching me Shona, which btw is the language spoken in Zimbabwe. 

“Heyyyy bitcheessss” I scream while I let myself in to Jennifer’s place, of course I have a copy of her house keys! 

I move around hugging everyone since they’re all busy getting ready while drinking wine. 

“You guys started drinking without me? Sluts I’m hurt!” I make a pouting face and fake crying noise. 

“Relax b***h we saw the bus pulling into the bus stop, we literally just opened it now” Alison says while doing her eyebrows 

I walk to the kitchen, grab a wine glass and help myself to some sweet red wine, my favorite. 

“ okay let me run to the bathroom and start getting ready so I can catch up with you guys”

First thing first I connect my phone to the YouTube music tv so I can play music while we get ready, and I obviously start with the queen of Rap, Nicki Minaj