Color of Strings

Date: 00/00/0000.                  Color: ------ Day: ------.                                  Weather: ------ &&: I was pure white, so pure and clear you would want to dive in. And there I was white, you stained my dress, asked me to take it off, but I refused to be used. But you were such a great gamer of your own words. Now you know everything behind these astonishingly beautiful deep brown eyes but you refuse to see them. and I drowned, all by myself, on my own, on my own deep, brown eyes, until they are beautiful no more. “What do you call the pink one?” “Where?” His brows creased, his head moved so did his eyes, trying to find the pink one I was pertaining to. I pointed to where it was, beside the leafy green one and before the tiramisu flavored donut, “There! What do you call that? Order me that one, wonder if it’s strawberry…” How stupid… I should have just ordered the usual flavor color I have always loved… damn, why do I make decisions that always turn out to be stupidity at the moment I never needed it? I wore my reading transparent glass and opened the book I found at the library near my apartment. Its book cover is pretty, pretty to the point that you would be curious why it was like that, and what happens inside of it… and that’s what happened to me. “Our thread we always thought was red. Our love we always see as red, the burning one, the one that makes you play with fire and no medic was waiting for you when you get burned. But, what if we were wrong all along? What if, after all the things we have done to keep the fire alive, our perceptions and expectations about it were all wrong? What if after all the things we did to climb to each other’s burning mountains, it wasn’t burning after all? What if our thread… was not red from the very beginning?” I closed my mouth that was left in awe from what I had read. That was crazy…. Crazily amazing! Like, what’s on this author’s mind? How does it work? Like, who would have thought that way? Even I, a fan of “red-string-fate” always thought that it was red, and red, red! And what if it wasn’t really red after all? “Can I borrow this? I wanted to take it home and read it the—” “Yes, you can. Just fill up the borrowing form here.” The librarian pushed the paper towards me together with a ballpen after cutting me off. That was kinda…. After I signed the form I thanked her and left that place. Do people really don‘t like such a happy place? Libraries are like heaven. Full of different kinds of books, the smell of books is as addictive as drinking dark coffee, the silence… everyone in their own worlds… no screaming, no shattering hearts, no broken voices, no terrific eyes…. not a thing like this. I held the door knob and silently opened it a little. I could see Lola sitting on her wooden rocking chair peacefully, as if she hadn't cursed all the people inside this messy house five minutes ago. My five-year old cousin is sitting on the floor mat learning how to write the alphabet on the wooden coffee table. He is trying as much as everyone does in this family. I let out a little laugh when the tip of his pencil suddenly broke because of his aggressive attempt to write and opened the door fully, I let myself inside, welcomed myself. I squatted and removed my shoes together with my socks, and carried it with my hand. “I’m home, Nanay, I will eat later when I get hungry!” And walked straight to my bedroom. I really hate eating after hearing all her knives trying to cut straight to the bone to my Mama, my Tita, and my favorite cousin, and everyone else inside the moment her bottled up feelings exploded. I really hate that attitude of hers, but she’s the sweetest when she wants to be. She cooks sweet pork adobo for us, waits for everyone to get home and feed us when we are hungry, gives us blankets when we are cold, gives us a hand when we need one, she’s sweetest among sweetest and one of the baddest. She’s like that but we love her, she loves us, I love her. [ Editor Jeff: ] : When are you planning to send us the poetries? : Can you make it faster? : The next issue will be published soon so send everything. ASAP. Thank you, reply when you read this. I rolled my eyes and put my phone down. Damn it. If I was not just greedy about being able to get out of my endless wishes, I would not have to deal with this kind of man. Always asks for poetry, poetry, poetry. When I turn it in, he will either call it trash even when it is a real part of my skin or would happily say that it got accepted. Editors. Those damn editors, I wanna be one of them and make those poets, writers, and those who just write and never called themselves one express their feelings, how an uncooked rice got them into trouble just like how I did, and just like how I wanted it to work. But I was only meant to be like this, it was amazing though, sometimes, when I feel like it really is. [ Lance: ] : Hey, sorry, I was busy earlier. : You know? When you’re in college, you gotta give up everything and do your work. Hahaha. Schoolwork? But it’s Sunday? I shrugged my thoughts off and typed a reply for him, the love of my life. [ Maria: ] : It’s oakyyyyyy. : Opps, typo! : Schoolworks? On a sunny Sunday? Poor boy! HAHAHAHA. : How’s your day? : I missed you! I bit my lower lip out of excitement. Is this how it really feels? My heart was throbbing so bad that I think there was a heart attack waiting to come for me because of the thought of talking to him till I fell into my deep slumber! Is this what first times like? But it’s a different kind of nervous and happy! I was not happy when I got vaccinated at eight years old! 5 minutes…. 10 minutes….. 15….. …. …. …. …. Zzzzzz……. &&: You were so beautiful. So beautiful in every way. In your own way. The way you talk. The way you smile. The way you dance. The way you don‘t cry. You were so beautiful. I’m not dying. You were so beautiful. I’m not crying. You were so beautiful. I’m not letting you in again. I did. “But what if he just fell asleep because he’s tired of schoolwork? You know? College students' life?” I reasoned out. I did not get any reply from him after I replied to his message. Well, that’s what happens every day, I’m still in high school so I don‘t know what really happens in a college student’s life, but I am pretty sure he was really tired! “Have you lost your sense of colors? That’s a red flag, Loui!” I pouted at my friend’s answer, Liza. What does she mean by that? Wasn’t it supposed to be common sense? “Ah!” I exclaimed as a empty plastic bottle hit my head, this asshole! He wrapped his arms around my shoulder and looked at me, I rolled my eyes and scratch my head. “Maria Louianne,” Jaze’s baritone voice echoed in my ear, I stared at Liza who were looking at us, our eyes met and she just shrugged her shoulders and took a bite on her hamburger, “If he really just fell asleep because of tiredness, why did he not reply to you when he woke up?” I was not ready for that! It took me seconds to realize that…. that was true…. “Maybe he f-forgot!” He moved away from me and sat next to Liza, both of them looking at me with confused annoyed eyes, was I annoying? “Maybe he forgot to reply because he woke up late and had to get ready for class!” Silence…. that’s what they gave me. Are they really my friends? Where can I buy some good friends who reply to every word you say? I smiled awkwardly because they were both looking at me out of dismay. I pouted and took the last piece of my siomai. &&: I never thought of diving in it. But Honey it was calling for me, It was screaming, echoing my name. I dive in it forgetting I never, know how to swim. And I sink in…. I couldn’t breathe. But I never wanted anyone to save me, not even you, I couldn’t breathe. It was too deep, And beautiful. So alluring… It makes me want to die. [ Lance: ] : I love you. : Where are you? : Are you asleep? : But you’re online. : Should we meet this Sat? : I already finished all my to-dos. : We can hangout, Baby! : I miss you…. : I love you Baby. : Should I sleep now? : Okay, let’s talk tomorrow. : Tell me about your day, okay? : Sweet night, my girl. : I love you