Fighting Faith

3

I started running like my life depended on it, actually my life depended on it.

I don’t know who these people are or what they want, but grams just asked me to run and that’s what I’m doing. She was falling behind; I don’t understand how I could be so fast being new to this but she was just staying behind. I couldn’t leave her.

I heard a flow of growls that were sounding in sync. I couldn’t hear their mind like I was with grandma. Was there a reason behind it?

‘Grams’ I cried, knowing that if they caught her I couldn’t continue, and they were just too close.

I could hear them barging against the trees and coming closer to us.

‘No matter what you hear, never stop. Keep going. If they get to you; everyone is lost’ I kept going when I heard them all even closer.

‘Who’s everyone? I don’t want everyone, I can’t do this without you’ I knew it was getting to the end. I knew something bad was going to happen and it was all because of me. Will grams’ death be on my conscience? Could I keep going knowing that she died because of me?

‘Go north, the frontier. That’s where…’

I heard her cries and then it was all silence.

‘Grams?’ I called for her crying. There was no answer, it was all empty.

‘Grams?’ I whined, calling for her knowing now I was all alone in this world and that I couldn’t continue anymore. There was no point. I was better off dead.

There was a hollow on my chest knowing I lost the only important thing in my life.

I felt the ground crumbling beneath my steps and I didn’t know if I was going on a straight line, my life was over.

I was just eighteen, who on earth cursed me with the “everyone” responsibility?

My heartbeat was irregular, not helping me a lot with the running. I don’t know if this was important anymore. It is not, I couldn’t find any point in running. My emotions were clouding my judgement, I heard a symphony over my head playing as I imagined my grams death, my own death. No one will mourn us, no one will bring flowers to our graves. Will we even have one?

I felt as I was falling into the ocean and couldn’t catch a breath and the waves were crashing against me and pulling me deeper into sadness. Each wave was a reminder of the pain inflicted because of her absence.

I felt empty, anesthetized. My feelings were all over the place, I felt like an overwhelming sorrow was taking me even deeper into the ocean. I wanted to shield myself and cry.

How could she leave me with all of these questions? How could she not tell me about this before? I would’ve been more careful. I wouldn’t even go outside to the world. Why would she not talk to me about this before?

Memories of grams teaching me all that I know, all of our fights, all our movie knights, all my birthdays. She was my one, I couldn’t do this with anyone else. She was my support, she was there for me every time I cried, every time I laughed, who could be my support?

I couldn’t keep going, life meant nothing anymore.

I stopped all of a sudden howling as if I had an open wound I couldn’t close, my chest was in pain and I was whimpering. It was all lost.

I’m sorry grams.

I’m sorry mom.

I’m sorry dad.

I’m not that strong myself, I can’t be strong for everyone when I can’t even be strong for me.

I need my rock; she was my rock.

I howled trying to get free of the tears clouding my vision. Could wolves even cry? I wanted to cuddle and cry my eyes out. This was not happening to me, this was still me being knocked out from Jake’s smack. This was not true.

Someone fell on top of me with their fangs almost catching my throat but I pushed. At least I can give one last fight. I fought, at least I thought I did with this body.

I pushed her hard, I could tell this was a shewolf, her body was slenderer than the other wolves around us, she flew away until I heard a thud against a tree, I even heard some branches breaking, but I couldn’t have sent her so far. As she flew away another one took her place. This time it was a man and even when I tried pushing, I couldn’t. His fur was brown, a dark brown.

I know I wouldn’t be able to fight a guy.

I was looking for someone familiar, someone who could end up my suffering or help me get through this, my grams was everything to me; where is she? I need her.

My eyes crossed path with the black wolf with red eyes. He saved me the other night. Why would he try to kill me now?

I felt a strong connection, a pull you could say towards that wolf. Who was? Do we know each other? I stopped fighting already feeling the other wolf’s fangs touching my throat but I couldn’t stop looking at the black wolf. Both of our furs were black. Is that the connection I feel? Are we related? But my eyes are shining blue, fire and ice together.

‘Please help me’ I could tell he heard me. He shook his head. I could tell he was confused. I thought this could only happen with my grams.

A howl was released from the back of my throat, I felt broken and I could tell he felt it too. I saw hesitation in his eyes when the muzzle of the wolf on top of me almost got me.

I whimpered.

‘Please’ I repeated, looking at him.

I heard a guttural sound that made everyone stop and lower their heads. The black wolf gained the confidence again and was dominating them all. Why was I not affected by his order?

I could understand it, ‘Stop’ was his order.

Everyone lowered their heads in submission and the wolf on top of me whimpered, staying away from me and getting in line with the other wolves.

‘All of you; go back to the house. I’ll do it myself’ he was letting me live only so he could kill me himself, just as he killed my parents.

They all obeyed and retreated with their tails between their legs.

I went into a fetal position and I don’t know how I did it but I was crying, I was crying like I wanted to, without fur.

I was human again but my heart was completely shattered. Grams just died saving me and I gave up, I couldn’t continue and now this guy was going to kill me along with all my feelings.

“Please make it quick. Everything hurts so much” I begged between my cries. I don’t know why this is happening to me.

I was suddenly wrapped up in a cloak but I still couldn’t open my eyes. He was just standing there and even though I couldn’t see him, I could feel him. I felt how his look made me warm and gave me chills at the same time. I haven’t felt like this with no one else in my entire life. I thought what I was starting to feel with Andrew was love back when I was fifteen, but this is something I can’t understand. It was not love, I was sure of that. Love shouldn’t make you sad or broken.

It was pure and agonizing flames, torture even.

“Why did it have to be you?” I heard him ask with frustration “Moon Goddess, is this my father’s punishment? Is this some kind of sick joke?”