Finding Avie's body

Chapter 4

Dad knows that I have to make my way for this. Kailangan na makita nila kung ano yung gusto kong sabihin. It has always been like this.

 Parang napaka halaga ng mga salita ko sa kanya at sa kompanya when in fact isa lang naman akong sampid. Sampid sa pamilya nila at sa kompanya nya.

I don’t know what he’s trying to do right now. Naka pag out of town naman na din ako ng mga shows pero siguro nararamdaman nya na if I succeed in this fashion week and worked my way in the industry there is a great chance na hindi na ako bumalik ng bansa. 

I can run Vrielle Clothing while I’m abroad ang mawawalan lang din talaga ng galamay ay ang GGOC.

When will I ever matter?

Matter in the sense that I am really valuable.

Valuable for who I am and not for what I have or what I could give.

I have wasted my chance and my time for that, until now wala pa din. I gambled my only chance of being happy para lang makaramdam ako ng completeness and belonging, sadly after all these years I am still begging for it.

I breathe for a little air and started to discuss my point.

“My point is this. We are taking Malaysia slowly but surely. We can’t invest hundreds of million for something that’s uncertainty is more half! We can enter Malaysia with just showcasing our strengths and showing them the quality of our projects. We have to be more strategic in this.” I said almost shouting.

 “We need to be able to come up with designs that can make them say wow without gambling our millions. Your designs would require too much labor and money. This is a business Mr. Andrada and in business our main objective is to gain profit. We have to get something in exchange for our services and products. I suppose we all agree that in this project our main objective is to earn revenue right?” I politely explained to the board.

Kahit kailan nakakaubos talaga ng pasensya ang mga taong pera lang ang meron pero kinapos sa kaisipan. Kung nakakabili lang siguro ng utak yun ang magandang ibenta.

“or I am not getting right? Is this some charity program? That in exchange for services and goods what we have in return is merely reputation and good feedbacks?” I said as I am slowly losing all the patience left in me.

 “Mapapalago ba ng magandang reputasyon and feedback ang isang kompanya? The answer is no. As much as we wanted to provide the best of the best products and services to our client, we cannot set aside the fact our priority will always be our profit, our gain in this transaction. Because believe me, in every transaction that we deal and we accept there will always be a risk. And for me the price of the risk should be higher profits” I straight forwardly told them.

Ito din siguro ang dahilan kaya gusto ni Dad na wag na akong magtry ng ibang opportunity sa ibang bansa. Kasi sobra nya akong napapakinabangan sa kompaya.

Kasi kahit pa sampid ako sa panilya nya at sa kompanya, nakikita nya din talaga ang abilidad ko basta pag dating sa business, and malakas ang loob nya na ipang bala ako sa board dahil hindi naman ako legal na member ng kompanya.

Matatawag siguro akong consultant.

Consultant na walang bayad.

 Saan ka nga naman nakahanap ng consultant na walang bayad na may credentials na, Magna c*m Laude in Master of Business Administration in the University of the Philippines. I am also a constant representative and delegate of the country in different summits and seminars regarding business and economy. I am one of the most sought after financial analyst and consultant.                                                

And yet here I am freely giving my services to them.

“You heard my daughter. Change and fix everything. We’ll have another meeting in 3 days I want better presentation by then. Fixed the costing and designs. Make sure to have contingency plans. Also make sure that in three days’ time you’ll be able to get my daughter’s yes. Do all the revision as per Avrielle’s criticisms with the project. You can communicate with her through her personal assistant Vanie. Vanie I expect you to help and collaborate with them. This project is very important for the company. I want everyone’s 100% commitment into this project. Remember, we have to get this. We may not need this but we need to get this so no one is allowed to relax until we close this deal.” Dad monotonously said.

“Do I make myself clear?” He asked everyone in the room. They all said their yesses and nodded their heads as response to my father’s threatening looks.

“Meeting adjourned. Avrielle you stay, we have to talk about important matters” He ordered to me.

Nang makalabas lahat ng board member nagulat nalang ako ng biglang may inihagis na papel sa akin si Dad. Nag ngangalit na tumingin sya sa akin.

I couldn’t help but to get frightened. I didn’t know why I had to go through all of this over and over again despite the efforts that I did. I guess it will just never be enough.

I will never be enough.

“What is the meaning of this Avrielle? Ano tong fashion week na aattendan mo ng 2 weeks?! Are you insane?!” he shouted at me. His voice was echoing all over the room.

It somehow felt like a thunder to me.

“This is me chasing my dreams dad” I calmly answered him.

Lalong tumalim ang tingin nya sakin na parang hindi anak nya ang kaharap nya. It felt like he was looking at an enemy through me.

“What dreams?! What kind of dream is this?!” he angrily asked me.

“Dad I wanted to be a model. Just like Alana I wanted to do something that makes me happy.” I answered whole heartedly. I just couldn’t say to him directly that I want to do something for myself this time.

That I’m choosing myself this time.

He looked at me with dismay, as if this is the worst decision that I’ll ever make.

“Alam mo na kailangan ka sa GGOC for this project with the Malaysians diba? You know too well na malaking deal to para sa kompanya! Tapos aalis ka?! And for how long?! Two damn weeks Avrielle! Two damn weeks! At ano ang plano mo? Ang  lumakad lang sa entablado? Hindi mo ba naiisip kung ano ang mangyayari sa kompayana pag nawala ka ng ganon katagal?! Wala ka na ba talagang pakialam sa kompanya?! Is this because you can do on your own now?! Eto ang igaganti mo sa lahat ng ibinigay ko sayo?! ” Galit na galit na wika niya.

I couldn’t help but close my eyes trying to hold back my emotions and tears. This day was one of the longest days of my life, I may not be able to hold myself back if hindi ko pipiliin ang mga salita na bibitawan ko, I don’t want to sound stupid, weak and bitter about everything.

Why can’t I have my break? 

“Why do you care so much about the company but cannot care about me Dad?” I asked him though I somehow know what he will answer.

He was shocked for a moment but also gained his composure in no time.

“I care about the company because I know that it needs me and that you don’t. Avrielle I have built this company from sweat you know how much this means to me. You know that I can just disregard you after your mom’s death but I didn’t. Now the least that you can do is to bring back the favor.” he answered truthfully.

“Dad you know that I needed you, just like how my mom needed you at the time when she was bleeding to death. I don’t know why you chose to save me instead of her and now you’re like this. I didn’t ask you to save me. All my life I did everything to make you notice me, to make you love me and to make you see that I am worth the saving. But you never cared Dad. Never. All my lilfe I did everything for you, when I found someone who makes me happy you told me to let go of him because I wasn’t enough for him, I couldn’t give him anything because I am nothing.” This time I couldn’t help but cry.

“Dad how can you say that you can just disregard me? Are you saying that you can actually disown me? Just because my mom died? Have you ever considered me as your child? Or I am just a mere employee to you? Dad kung ang batayan mo ng pagbabalik ng utang na loob ko sayo sa pag poprovide mo ng pangangailangan at pag-aaral ko ay yung perang nagastos mo sakin, I believe na naibalik ko na yon. Hindi lang doble, hindi lang triple. You were able to make your company great, but who made it an empire? Its none other than me.”

I have been dealing with these emotions and thoughts for so long.

“I was actually not quitting in being your puppet Dad, it’s just that for once in my life I wanted to show to myself that I once do something that I really love and that really made me happy. I want to feel a little happy about myself. Sadly paulit ulit mong ipinapakita kung ano lang ako.”

He didn’t say any word. He just stood there dumbfounded with everything that I said.

I was never this vocal about my feelings, sanay ako na kung pano nya lang akong ituring okay na. Okay na ko pag nasasabi nya na “Avrielle you are needed in the company” though it doesn’t equal to “Avrielle I need you in the company”  I didn’t care. He was the only thing that I cared about. I may have hated him many times but I will always love my Dad because he’s all that I have.

Siguro I’ll deal with everything after the fashion week.

I’ll probably apologize to him and continue to work in the company again after my fashion week. Siguro after this at napagbigyan ko na yung sarili ko, I’ll completely forget everything that has happened. It’s just 5 damn minutes but it felt like my whole life.

At the back of my head there is this voice that’s telling me to find myself. And let bygones be bygones. That maybe, this is my chance after 27 years to own my life. This is my chance to have light in my life. I envy those people who know the exact reason why they woke up every morning to continue their life, because me? I wake up every morning telling myself to be ready, to always be perfect in everything that I do, I need to always be the best so that my dad will need me.

I wonder if I will ever get the chance to have that feeling, the feeling of genuine happiness, love and belongingness.

Paglabas ko ng office, everyone was looking at me. Siguro narinig nila yung sigawan naming ni Dad sa office. I always wonder kung pagba si Simon and si Alana ang nandito sa kompanya, ganito rin kaya sila tignan at tratuhin ng mga empleyado? O ako lang? dahil anak ako sa labas?

I proudly raised my head, not minding their side chitchats and comments. I showed them that my dad can maybe belittle me but they can’t. I was not born to be little. I believe that my mom died for me and because of that I have to be great because I was carrying two souls in my body.

“Vanie, I want you to take note of those employees who looked and talked about me.  Make sure they get their compensation pay tomorrow. If the company refuses, tell them that I Avrielle Akiesha Gomez is cutting ties with them. They choose, these lousy, stupid and incompetent employees or me. Got it?”

I said to Vanie, making sure that everyone in the floor heard everything that I said.

“Miss Avie, Senator Gomez already instructed me to do as you wish. They will receive the letter today and their compensation pays tomorrow” Avie efficiently answered me.

“Mi-Miss Avie I am sorry po, I was just talking about your outfit. I am Tina po, we were classmates in economy in our college days. I hope you remember. Hindi na poi to mauulit Miss” said this Tina girl and walked in front trying to stop my decision.

Funny, cause I heard her in the rest room earlier nong nagretouch ako sinasabi nya na hindi naman ako ganon katalino nung college nakakatawa kasi ni hindi ko nga sya kilala. Kung hindi nga lang daw ako anak ng senador baka suwerte ng makagraduate ako sa UP. She must be someone with connections, and she’s a little intelligent kaya lang ang problema umalma pa sya nabosesan ko tuloy sya.

“ Oh Tina! I heard you earlier, sa comfort room. I guess you are talking with you friend.” I said to her sarcastically.

She turned pale. Hindi siguro nya inaasahan na ako ang nasa loob ng isang cubicle ng nag sisitsitan silang dalawa.

“Do you want me to continue?” I asked her directly.

Everyone is looking at her like she holds the key. Funny. Really funny.

“No Ma’am.” She said while she hurriedly went to her table.

“I want everyone to know this. I may be illegitimate. My dad might not love me, you might think that I am just a pitiful person but you need to hear this okay? I can crash anyone of you in just a blink of an eye. So don’t you dare mess with me, Because I don’t usually warn.”

After that speech I told Vanie to ready the car.

This day will get worse kung hindi pa ako talaga uuwi. I badly need to go home! I need a rest!

This day will end shortly, I just need to be patient, as always.