Why I'd Rather Be Wrong

Chapter 8, Part 2: Happy Breakup

Jaze D'Angelo

     "Where are we going?" he asked as he had to ride shotgun in my car. We can't take his car because I have already driven to his place using my car, so, he had no other choice than to sit in this old piece of junk.

     "Just shut up," I replied as I drove towards the parking lot near the lake. I already reached the parking lot and I can already see Clare and Rose sitting under the cottonwood tree, our spot... "We're here," I said and then went out of the car. I just stood near my car and he's still not coming out, and I just reminded myself that the lock of the door of my car's passenger seat is broken and cannot be opened from the inside. I rushed towards it and opened it for him.

     "What's up with your car?" he asked, kinda pissed but he's refraining from showing it.

     Embarrassed, I scratched my head "I'm sorry, I totally forgot that the door handle inside is...broken," I replied. "Anyway, they're already waiting for us."

     "Who's they? Why don't you just tell me?"

     "Why don't you just shut up?" I said and held his hand without a doubt then walked towards Clare and Rose. It was actually kinda weird, not just because his hand is huge, but, I feel something strange when we touch, and it drives me so freaking crazy.

     We approached them from behind as they were talking while facing the lake. I let go of his hand as I poked Clare's back, and she looked back in shock then immediately hugged me.

     "Jaze, I missed you!" she said as she wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on my chest. For a moment I realized something, she didn't even call me babe anymore, she called me by my own name.

     "I missed you too," I replied, and she already let go of me. She noticed Cassius from behind me and she just signaled me using her eyes. "Oh, yeah, he's the one that I want you to meet," I said and then dragged him closer to us. "Clare, this is Cassius Clifford," I introduced.

     Clare reached out her hand "Hi, Cassius, nice to meet you," Cassius then offered his hand too and they shook hands.

     "Can we talk for a sec? Only us?" I asked Clare, and she was kind of confused.

     "Okay," she replied and I grabbed her hand and walked a few meters away from them. I saw Cassius sat beside Rose and they just started talking to each other, he's actually very friendly...

     "We're already far enough, you know, I'm pretty sure they won't hear us anymore," Clare said sarcastically then we both stopped. We just stood there, while she waits for me to say a thing. "What do you wanna talk about? I'm gonna say something too, but I'm gonna let you go ahead," she said.

     I took a deep breath, gaining the courage to admit who I really am. "I've been experiencing something lately," I said.

     "What? What do you mean? Are you back in the phase? What are you experiencing?" worried yet confused, she asked right away while she put her hands on my shoulders as she's actually concerned but that's not really what I meant.

     "It's not that... It's about me, and I guess it has something to do with us," I replied without making eye contact with her. "I have discovered something about me and I really hope you understand."

     "Tell me, Jaze," she said and I looked at her, her eyes were really curious. "I'll try my best to understand..."

     "I'm... I'm attracted to men, Clare, I think I'm bisexual," I said sarcastically and air quoted the word bisexual. "Cassius and I are developing something for each other, and I think I'm actually into it, though it's just some kind of mutual understanding, not that official yet, but, yeah, that's what I wanted to tell you."

     She just grinned then looked away "What made you think I wouldn't understand?" she asked.

     "Because... my friends couldn't..." I said as I looked up at the sky, trying to suppress my tears from sliding down my face, trying to be a man, just like what society's always been stereotyping.

     "What? Out of all the people? They're supposed to be the ones supporting you, understanding you, as a true friend," she said, and I could tell that she's actually irritated but concerned at the same time.

     "I can't blame them, I know this was all of a sudden, and I guess they just need time to think about it. But, I just felt hated, like they're also disgusted by me. They said that I should change, that I shouldn't be this way, it's just so ridiculous," I replied, then put my hand on my forehead.

     "All that you can do for now, is wait, and be who you really are if that's what pleases you and makes you more comfortable about yourself. If they still treat you that way, then that just proves one thing, that they're not a true friend of yours, because they can't accept you as you." I was just left speechless as I don't know what to say, who would have thought that being true to yourself is actually this difficult. I was also wondering about where does she get these words from, it's like she has experienced the same thing.

     She caressed my cheekbones while I grasped my hand onto her wrist that's caressing my face "To be honest with you, the whole point of me wanting an open relationship was for me to discover who I really am too, because..." she stopped for a moment and tilted her head as she stared at me. "I'm just like you, believe it or not, so don't you ever think that I wouldn't understand. What I mean about that is... I'm bisexual too and also Rose, she's a queer. I wanted to have an open relationship because I had some sort of attraction towards my best friend, little did I know that she feels the same too. I just found it funny that you also took this open relationship thing as a chance to discover yourself, so I ain't guilty about it anymore. But to be honest with you, I actually loved you, you're an amazing man, and Cassius will be so lucky to have you, if ever," she added.

     "Wait, really? So this whole time that you guys are always together is already a thing?" I asked.

     "Yeah, I'm sorry for keeping it, because I was still confirming it at the time," she replied.

     "Well, I ain't actually mad about that, I'm just happy that you're happy too. I actually loved you too, and you're a huge factor in why I chose to be who I really am. I guess we just have somebody else that we believe we could love even more and who will also love us even more while being who we really are," I replied.

     "So, tada! We're over now," she said with a smile on her face, as what's happening is actually ridiculous.

     "Yeah, haha, happy breakup, I guess," I said sarcastically and threw my arms around her. "I just hope that you'll be happier with her and she's also lucky to have you though because you're beautiful, you're hardworking, and you're precious too."

     "Awww, you too," she replied.

     "But you just can't shut up sometimes," I said then pinched her cheeks which actually pisses her off. "I'm gonna miss pinching those cheeks, like for real."

     She suddenly sat on the grass and she also dragged me down to sit beside her "But first, will you tell me how you met him? Come on, I bet you can't tell me that right in front of him you shy little coward," she asked then mocked me afterward. And yeah, here she goes again, never runs out of questions.

     "I actually bumped into him at the gym, like literally, we collided with each other physically, and we met each other again at the nightclub that night. I actually got obsessed with him, I'm not gonna lie, I found him quite attractive and that's so unnatural and weird for me at the time but eventually, I got used to it and I accepted it," I replied while we're both looking at Rose and Cassius staring at the lake while laughing, seems like they're starting to get to know each other already.

     "That's like a scene straight out from a movie," she replied along with a laugh. "Well, he's actually good-looking though, but he looks a little bit older than you, to be honest, but... he's a good catch, I know you know that too," she said then rested her chin on his hand that's pressing against his lap while she also stared at them talking to each other. She suddenly sat up straight as she had an idea "I'm gonna ask you a question and I'm pretty sure you have an answer for this," she said and smiled wickedly. I actually get way too nervous if someone tells me they're gonna tell me something without saying it right away, like I'm gonna be asking myself what are the possible questions that they're gonna ask me, it drives me crazy and my nervousness peaks so hard. "So, what specific part of his body are you attracted to the most?"

     I scratched my forehead "If I told you, would you promise to shut your mouth and not to tell him?" I asked then gave a low-key threatening glare.

     "I won't, I promise. So, tell me!" she begged.

     I shrugged my hands "His face?"

     She looked up at the sky then growled like that's not the type of answer she wants "What kind of answer is that? Give me a more specific one! What part of his face? Give me three specific ones."

     I sighed and started to think about what I actually found attractive about his face. "His eyes, his smile, and... his trimmed beard?"

     She immediately closed his mouth "For real?" she asked. "Well, I admit, that actually makes him sexy. So, you're into daddies, huh," she joked while hitting me with her elbow.

     "Fine, call it what you want, but just shut that mouth of yours, okay?" I asked. "Come on, they may feel left out already."

     We already walked back to our spot and they're still talking with each other. Clare and I just signaled each other using our eyes and we already know what it meant, that we're just gonna tell them later. I sat beside Cassius and she sat beside Clare.

     "I'm sad to say this but I already have to go," I said then stood up from the grass. "Let's go now, man," I said to Cassius and then offered my hand to help him stand up. "I just reminded myself that I still have other things to do."

     Confused, he squinted his eyes as he looked up at me "What the heck do you mean? Aren't we supposed to be hanging out with them for a little bit more? We literally just got here and you guys just talked and now you're -"

     "Just shut up and take my hand, let's go," I cut him off using my bold yet decisive tone, and he had no other choice but to grab my hand and stand up from the grass.

     "Rose, will you stay here for a second? I'm just gonna walk them to the parking lot," Clare said to Rose along with a smile, and the smile was enough to tell her what she actually meant. I think all of us are actually aware of what's going on, but the situation is awkward enough for us to talk about. Because, the two other persons that we brought here are the actual reason why we decided to break our ties with each other, for the better.

     We walked towards the parking lot while Clare also walked along with us. We reached my car and Clare just approached me with her hands in her back pockets. She just smiled, and I smiled back. I walked around my car to the driver's side, Cassius opened the door already, and Clare stopped him for a second.

     "Take good care of him," Clare spoke to Cassius, and she was kind of like holding back her tears. It was kind of like a mixture of happiness and the hurt of letting someone go.

     "I-I will," Cassius replied.

     I couldn't help it anymore so I immediately went around and hugged Clare, our last hug probably, as two persons that once loved each other, since we're no longer attached to each other. Cassius just smiled while holding the car door open.

     "Best friends?" Clare asked and raised her pinky finger.

     "Best friends," I replied and clasped both of our pinky fingers together.

     "Anyway, I'm heading back to Rose now, you guys have fun," she said and already started to walk away. "But don't do anything I wouldn't do," she yelled, which made Cassius and I laugh.

     Clare already rushed back to his girlfriend and Cassius and I just looked at each other. It's absolutely weird and crazy but it actually feels good to finally express yourself and be who you really are. And this man right here is the reason for all of this, like totally, but I just can't deny the fact that I am actually grateful for his presence in my life. He may have ruined my life but, I guess it was for the better. It's like he burned my house full of pretendings and uncertainty about my own self, then slapped me with the fact of who I actually am and about what I feel towards him.

     We already went inside this old car of mine, he said he wanted to drive so I let him. I'm just looking at his reflection through the side mirror while I rested my head against my car window. It started to rain all of a sudden, it's just around 3 pm but it looks like the sun has already set because of how dark the sky is. The drizzle soon started to become a heavy downpour. I just watched the raindrops sliding down the window while he just keeps on driving without saying a word too. I feel like he actually wants to talk to me but he tries not to because I am obviously having deep thoughts. I just hope that I won't regret anything about being myself. I mean, it's better for someone to be who they really are, right? But in my case, as a homosexual that has straight freaking friends, a family that is several miles away that doesn't even know anything yet, and this stupid-ass reputation that I have in school. I feel like changing about how people used to perceive me and being who I really am would have a huge impact, like really. But, I feel like I don't even have to tell everyone about me already discovering myself because they have nothing to do with this anyway. I've been starting to ask myself: Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just be 'normal'? 

     Well, I can actually find myself another woman, but I feel like...I prefer men, and it drives me crazy. Everyone is free to have their own preferences right? And being a homosexual isn't actually new to the current and past society. If sexuality was actually a choice why would I even choose to be attracted to someone the same s*x as me? Why would I rather go through the much more difficult journey of my life? Because to be honest, for me, homosexuality is kind of like a struggle, and I know no one in their right freaking mind would rather have a struggle than living peacefully and 'normally'. Most people find it very unnatural and disgusting but we won't be like this if this isn't actually a thing. But here we are, facing our struggles as we chose to be ourselves.

     "Hey," he spoke and glanced at me for a second then already faced the road.

     "What?" coldly, I replied, without looking at him.

     "Would you tell me what actually happened back there?" he asked. His voice was kind of obscured by the noise of the rain outside but I still managed to hear every single syllable of the words he has said. All this time, I actually thought that he knew, but he was merely clueless, what the heck. I thought I have already confirmed that he knows what happened when he replied to Clare saying 'I will'. Well, I guess I was wrong.

     "Clare and I broke up, happily," I said, without showing any emotions from how I conveyed what I have just said. Because I don't know what to feel actually... I'm happy about the fact that I chose to be me, to be free, but, I don't know... I guess it's just the aftertaste of letting someone go.

     "Yes, I know that, I was actually referring to why both of you did that? What made you guys break up in such a happy manner?" he asked, and I just got confused for a second. So, he's actually aware of what happened earlier, but he doesn't know the reason why.

     "Turns out, she's experiencing the same fate as me, she's been falling for her best friend, Rose. And you, it's also because of you. Technically, it's your fault, you did this to me," I replied, and he just laughed low-key. "Why the heck are you laughing?"

     He shrugged his shoulders "Did what?" he asked, sarcastically.

     "Have you hit your head or something?" I asked while I glared at him, and he was left speechless. "You know what, nevermind. I know that you actually know what I'm referring to anyway, you're just making fun of me," then I crossed my arms and just stared outside. I just realized that we're just a few meters away from his place.

    I just reminded myself about where am I actually gonna stay for the moment? Because I know for sure that I wouldn't have the urge to go back to our apartment after what happened.

     Ugh, why does it have to turn out like this...