Why I'd Rather Be Wrong

Chapter 9, Part 3: Romance

Jaze D'Angelo

     "Thank you, about earlier, I really enjoyed the time we spent together. It's been a while since I've been to a grocery store, which was weird of me, I can't even remind myself the last time I went to one," I spoke, while he's driving us back to his place. "I'm just so grateful for your presence in my life, even though you freaking came like a disaster."

     He grinned "I'll just take that as a compliment, I guess," he said.

     "Wait, what day is it today?" I asked, as I completely got lost with everything ever since this thing about me sprouted.

     He tilted his head as he also tried to catch up "Monday? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Monday today." I covered my mouth in shock, and he glanced at me. s**t, I completely forgot about school. I'm so dead. I lost track of my schedules so badly. "What? What's wrong?"

     "I completely forgot that I already have school. Jeez, I might have missed something important," I said while I facepalmed.

     "Don't worry about that, I'm just gonna inform Mr. Quebedeaux about it so that he'll also inform your professors, it's all gonna be alright, trust me," he reassured, and what came after that was an entire silence.

     "Can I...ask you something?" I asked.

     "You're already asking, right? Shoot it right away, I'm all ears," he replied while still focused on the road.

     "Do you...love me?"

     He slowly pulled over at the corner of the street and just stared at the wheel "That question is really out of the blue. Anyway, what makes you think I don't?"

     "I was just...wondering, y'know, since you don't even tell me and we're not official yet but we act like we're already a couple..."

     "Do I even have to tell you? Just so I can assure you?" he spoke, and there's this feeling again, this déjà vu. I have so many questions for myself but I don't even have any idea about where I'm able to get the answers I've been searching for. Who am I, really? "What happened? You seem...speechless, was that actually a pretty big deal for you?" he added.

     "No, nothing, it's not that... I guess I just wanted to hear it directly from you. Let's just go back to your place already, I'm already feeling kinda tired..."

     We already got back, we haven't exchanged words ever since we came back here because I'm literally preoccupied about what just happened earlier. I literally abandoned what we were just talking about because I was rummaging through my mind, trying my best to answer myself from my own self. I know that all of this is not purely coincidental because this happened a couple of times already and it just gets weirder every time, and I just long for answers more. But longing for answers merely just adds more questions, it's a vicious cycle.

     I'm just laying in this ginormous bed with my hands on my belly, staring at the canopy, having deep thoughts about the things that are happening and about myself.

Knock! Knock!

     I immediately sat up "Come in," I said, and he opened the door right away. He crossed his legs while standing and rested his arm against the door casing "Are you okay? Are we...good?"

     "Yeah, we're good, I was just...thinking about something. I'm sorry for ignoring you," I said, then gave him a half-smile.

     He walked towards me and then sat beside me on my right "Do you wanna...talk about it?"

     I couldn't look at him, now that we're just a few centimeters apart because his gaze sort of tempts me "I don't mean to be rude but...I'd rather keep it to myself...for now."

     He put his hands on each of his thighs and then sighed "If you say so, I guess there's nothing I could do about that, I respect that... But, always remember that I'm always here for you and you can tell me literally anything, I'll give my very best to understand."

     I grabbed his hand and clasped it with mine "Thank you," I said, and we stared at our hands clasped together and looked at each other. I could already feel it, the s****l tension that's forming, but I guess there's nothing I could do to elude it, though I feel like I couldn't even resist it. I never imagined myself being this affectionate towards a guy, he makes my whole self crumble but in a good way, I'm embracing it.

     He faced his torso towards me and touched my chin using his other hand. "Hey, I don't even have to tell you that I love you, because I know you can feel it too. And I know that you do love me too."

     We then gazed upon each other's eyes and looked at the other as if that something that's gonna happen any moment by now doesn't really bother any of us anymore.

    I've truly fallen for a man in just a matter of days, I'm starting to question myself if any of this feeling that I feel towards him is certain, and what I mean about that is if my intentions are actually to have a long-lasting intimate relationship with him, and not just lust. I'm just following what my heart wants at this point, and it's obvious that it's him that I was longing for, the one that I adore, the one that gave spark to my hopeless and bland simulation of life. I was bound to his lips, to his touch, to his love, so much, that I started not to care about what would people say about us. Now, he's already on top of me, caressing me like a lover, with his hands wandering all over me while his lips occupied my soul delicately, and I'm all nothing but moving after his every touch, letting him guide me through this journey of ours tonight. We enveloped each other with warmth in this cold room, on this soft and ginormous bed of his that was mine for the moment. I've never felt so owned by a man, and I'm living for it. He's so good at this, I'm kinda disappointed I wasn't the first one that he treated like this, but it's fine, now that his hands are all over mine. 

     Also, I was supposed to ask him to workout, didn't really expect us to make out.

     "The beginning is deceitful, trust the process, okay? Stay calm... Through pain, there's pleasure..."

     He's already asleep, he must've ended up being tired because he's kinda wild as heck. It's my first experience with a guy and it's actually very fascinating, this memory could never fade from my mind like there's literally no way that could happen because every moment was very unforgettable.

     I'm just laying beside him, naked under the sheets while I stared at the door. A bell just rang in my head and reminded me about school tomorrow. To think about that, I don't have my stuff for school here, I left it all at our apartment. I grabbed my phone on the nightstand to check what time it is and it is currently 10 in the evening, it's not that late, I know for sure that the guys are still awake at this point. I'm thinking of going back there just to grab my stuff, and yeah, see if someone's actually gonna talk to me. I'm not yet on my way but just thinking of going back there already bothers and embarrasses my inner self for some reason. Well, it's still a property that I kinda own anyway so I guess there's literally nothing wrong if I come back, but, I just feel really shy, scared, and whatever. I just sighed then closed my eyes, as I completely decided to go back there to grab my stuff because I can no longer afford to skip any more classes, I might fail some of them.

     I sat on the bed and just stared at my feet for a second for no damn reason. I then grabbed my trousers on the side and wore my t-shirt and jacket. I went to the bathroom and I was shocked to see how disastrous I look. My hair looks like it has been recklessly pulled by a crazy lady. I took a moment to fix it only by wetting it, and I'm back to what I normally look like. I guess I'm good to go. I no longer bothered to wake him up to go with me or something because I'm just gonna let him have his good night's sleep after the ride of our lives.

     I turned around as I was already gonna leave the bathroom and -

     "Going somewhere without me?" he asked, with his arm pressed up against the door casing, blocking my way...and he's still in his birthday suit...

     I just stared at him, trying not to look down while my eyes are a hundred percent tempted already. He raised both of his eyebrows to repeat the question to me without even reiterating it. "Uhh - yeah, I'm actually gonna...go back to our apartment...to grab my stuff for school tomorrow...what's wrong? Did I...wake you up?" I asked, nervously while he stared right into my soul while still half-awake.

     "Are you sure you just wanna go there alone?" he asked blandly while he rubbed his eyes.

     "I mean - we can go together if you want, well that's if you decide to just go back to sleep later, it's fine for me to go there alone though..."

     He just stared at me, kind of like contemplating his decision "Wait for me downstairs," he said then already walked away and went out of the room.

     Unattentive, I just stood there, while I watched him walk out of the room. I guess my friends have to meet him again, I do hope nothing bad would happen as soon as they saw him at our premises. My mind is bothered again because I couldn't figure out if it's him that's utterly inevitable at everything or is it just me that can't resist nor deny him even once. Well, I guess this really is love...

     "Are you sure that - you're gonna meet my friends again? Now that we have a thing going on between us?" He's way too focused on the road and didn't even bother to look at me nor reply, not even a little gesture, but I'm certain that he caught and understood what I have just said.

     I'm already feeling a little bit sleepy because I feel kinda tired now too. It suddenly started to drizzle, and the sound of the raindrops falling soothes my ears. I realized that sometimes this guy also becomes really cold towards people for no obvious reason. But, it's fine, so that I won't be so attached to him that much, up to the point that I'm already bound to his presence and I can no longer resist not to be with him even just for a while, and I don't wanna be like that despite the fact that I am already in love with him dearly. Love should always be around, but the love towards your partner or that someone that you adore doesn't have to be as always as 24/7. I've learned that you have to spare some love for yourself so that you're not empty, hollow, and colorless when such things happen. I just realized how I'm starting to overthink again, but I guess it's for the good since I am not talking about anything dark. The rain really triggers my overthinking but sometimes I am actually looking forward to that, I guess it's a therapy of mine but is relatively bad when uncontrolled and overdosed. He hasn't even replied yet, and I'm just having my own time thinking about stuff, it's already been decided by him, he's really gonna meet them. I'm not planning to stay there for long, I'm just gonna go and grab what I need to get and then go, if anyone of them tries to initiate the talking, then that'd be fine too if that's already the proper time we make amends with each other.

     "Here we are," I introduced, awkwardly, as if this is actually his first time here. Decently, I mean it is, because back when the first and the last time he has been here he was so wasted. I can't even figure out of he remembers anything except for him leaving so freaking early in the morning that day. "You know you can just stay in my car, right?"

     "C'mon, it's getting late," he said and acted like I didn't say anything or he didn't hear anything from me. He just gets way too decisive sometimes, and I just can't do anything about it. The fact that I am actually kind of considering our age gap that's why I give him some sort of authority over me.

     We went out of my car and walked along together. It was still raining but faintly, so I didn't even mind but he still covered my head with his jacket while walking up to our patio and into the front door. I glanced at the window and saw light penetrating through it, which means they are still watching tv. He was just standing right beside me, quietly, staring at me while I hesitate to knock on the door right in front of me. I looked down at our doormat and sighed deeply as I prepare myself. I don't even have to, actually, but I just feel like it, and my anxiety just hits so hard, even towards them, towards the people that I'm already comfortable with. Well, before... But hey, who knows, maybe all of this could be over by tonight and we could all be back to what we actually were.

     I was gonna put my keys back in my pocket but I accidentally dropped them "f*****g hell," I then bent down to pick it up and all of a sudden, my back started to hurt. I groped my back as I groaned "Ow! Jeez."

     He walked closer to me from behind and bent down halfway "Hey, are you okay?"

     The door suddenly opened, there was Ian in his favorite gray pajamas wearing headphones, blankly staring at us back and forth while holding the trash with one hand. We stared at him for a second and we just realized how awkward and weird our position was. I immediately stood forward and Chase backed up a little.

     "What...are you guys...doing out there?" he asked while he squinted his eyes on us, trying to elude grinning as if he's kinda suspecting something.

     I raised my eyebrows and looked at Chase for a second, then gazed upon Ian "Are...the guys still awake?" I asked, and I can't believe that's the first thing that came up to my mind to ask him. Normally, I don't even have to ask him, because I always know the answer, but it's like I'm a whole different person now.

     "Yeah, all of us are here, watching Super Bowl, except for Flynn, he went out for a jog which was weird and really unusual for him, I don't know." He then put down the bag of trash on the side and scratched his nape, and it seems like he couldn't stand keeping eye contact with me nor Chase "So, what brings the two of you here? I mean, it's not like you're not welcome to a place that you partly own but I'm just caught off guard, it's out of the blue," he said, and it just felt really nice to hear his voice, it's been a while.

     I pulled my lips aside "I'm just here to grab my stuff for school, I'm sorry to say I still have to stay at this guy's house-" I gazed upon Chase "-for the moment, sort things out in my head, and give you guys the time you need."

     "Harris, man, you've already given us enough time. In fact, from the exact day you came out, I have already accepted who you really are, as it doesn't really change our friendship, doesn't it? So, it doesn't really matter to me, and I guess Garrett and Trenton fall for that too, we love you, accept you, and support you for who you really are. It's just Flynn, I guess he's just way too different from us when it comes to that, but I'm certain that he still cares about you. I also think that you and Flynn need to have a proper talk with each other, as brothers called by fate, to see if he had already changed his mind. But, I'm telling you, there wasn't even a single day he hasn't mentioned your name ever since you walked out of this door, he was always asking us if we had ever been seeing you, he's so worried about you, man. Yeah, that's where all of my certainty comes from because you wouldn't randomly think of someone if you don't really care about them."

     That was yet to be the longest series of words I have heard from him, and I felt so touched, he really is a brother of mine that I never had biologically, I'm so grateful I have someone like him in my life. And to think about what he just said, he has a point, about my other friends and Flynn. I do think that Flynn and I need to talk to sort things out, about our friendship. This just gave me a sudden urge to go back already, and I'm kinda feeling like it. I'm no longer scared about the treatment Flynn gives me, it even intrigues me somehow, to know the actual reason.

     "Thanks, man, you suddenly made me wanna go back already..." I replied with a smile.

     He came up with a bright smile, the smile that only our circle used to witness "That's my whole intention anyway," he chuckled and then opened the door all the way, "come in, the other two are already on the verge of falling asleep when I left them, I think they may have fallen asleep already because they didn't even hear our conversation."

     I already went in, I just realized I almost forgot to take off my shoes before going in, Trenton's not gonna be so happy, but thankfully I didn't forget. Chase also removed his shoes as he saw me remove mine. I bet that's pretty unusual for him but he just went along with it, even without saying a word.

     "I'm just gonna...clean our remaining mess in the living room, I just noticed I missed a couple of freaking trash. Just call me when you guys are already leaving." He said then already left us and headed to the living room.

     I walked towards my room and from the very moment I stood by my door, it felt like my own room calls me, like it's been longing for me. How I missed being here... It's just been a couple of days but it already felt like an eternity, like I was gone for a very long time, and here I am, back to it, but only for now. I opened the door and the atmosphere entrapped from the inside just escaped and caressed me, like a room that wasn't opened for years. Everything remained as it was from the day I left. I walked in and directly walked towards my desk to grab everything that I need and might need. I just stared at my soft, precious bed and it's like it was calling me, it just feels so weird, I think I'm going crazy.

     I heard the door of my room close "Your room is so nice, I didn't have the chance to compliment it last time," he said as he leaped then laid down on my bed, and I just realized that I wasn't alone here. He wandered his eyes around my room, inspecting everything his eyes perceive. "Well, it's not like I'm gonna act like it's my first time being here though."

     I chuckled sarcastically while I pulled my duffle bag under the table "Clearly."

     "What's the duffle bag for? Are you bringing it?" he asked.

     I just placed it on my desk and contemplated about that. Do I really need to bring these? I mean, it's so freaking heavy and kinda unnecessary since I feel like I may be going back here already any time soon. And also, I have already lost my record and completely abandoned working out anyway, so it doesn't really matter, but I'm going to supervise my weight and health.

     "Nevermind, I ain't bringin' it..."

     He suddenly sat up "I have a joke, hear me out," he said, and I faced him afterward. "Why did the gay kid fail the exam?"

     I don't have any idea and I was struggling to figure it out so I just squinted my eyes on him, to imply that I don't really get it. "Why?" I asked while I continued sorting my things out, placing them in my school backpack.

     "Because . . . he can't think straight," he answered, all while refraining from laughing as if his joke really is funny, but it seems like he's the only one buying his own joke.

     "So?"

     He laid down again "You're boring, I'm never doing that again," he said, and I think he was kinda embarrassed about what just happened. Well, it was his fault anyway, throwing random and lame jokes all of a sudden.

     I already have everything I need in one backpack and I'm good to go, even though I'm already having second thoughts of staying here already. I already wore my backpack and looked around to double-check if I forgot something else.

     Suddenly, the door opened "HARRIS, MY MAN!" said Garrett as he charged towards me to give me a hug that almost suffocated me to death.

     "Chill out, you're killing me," I said sarcastically and he immediately let go of me.

     He glanced at Chase "Oh, hi, sir, didn't see you there," he said then offered his fist, and they fist-bumped.

     "How'd you knew I'm here? Ian said you may have fallen asleep already so I didn't bother to check up on you guys anymore." Trenton then suddenly peeked his head in my room and waved at me, barely awake. I just raised my eyebrows and smiled as a reply, then he inadvertently gathered the two's attention as I gazed upon him. After that, he already walked off and headed to his room, he's truly such a sleepyhead.

     "Yeah, I woke up to go to the bathroom and he mentioned that you're here, I got so freakin excited," he replied as he cracked a wide smile, how I missed that too... "It's good that we have you b-"

     "I'm not staying, Garrett," I cut him off and looked down, because I can't stand seeing him hoping at something surrounded by uncertainty. "I'm just here to get my stuff for school, I uh - I'm sorry..."

     Dismayed, he bared his teeth along with a sigh "It's okay, man. I mean - it's way better when you're here with us. If I could just do something to get this over with and just put this all behind us-"

      I cut him off as I wrapped my arms around his neck, it's just funny because I've never done this to him before and the fact that I'm standing on my tippy toes right now, it's like hugging my dad which I never actually did. With this current situation going on, I could already confirm that he doesn't give a f**k about my sexuality because he even hugged me back and embraced it, he's just cool with it, like always, just like what Ian told me earlier. I've always adored him, and I think there's nothing in this world that can change or ruin the friendship we grasp. "It's not your fault, so don't ever try playing the hero where there's actually no villain. We'll get over this soon, what we all need is time..." I said, then already let go of him. He just smiled but there's something behind it, I could feel it. It's just so hard to see a very humorous man like him with traces of sadness on his face, it breaks my heart...

     "Yeah, I get it. I'm gonna...go back to my room now," he said but he immediately turned back "and yeah, sir, please take care of him for me, thank you," he spoke to Chase, and Chase just nodded as a reply.

      Chase suddenly stood up "Oh - wait, uh...mind if you show me where the bathroom is?" he asked Garrett.

     "Yeah, sure," Garrett replied then they both went out of my room.

     I just finished sorting out all the stuff I need and I just let myself fall into my precious bed. A thought suddenly entered my mind for a reason: Where's Flynn? Ian mentioned that he went for a jog, it's pretty unlikely of him to go for a jog at this hour. After what Ian told me earlier, I'm already eager to have a serious talk with him, like on how we can sort this out. I never really imagined myself being in this situation, worrying about friendships and stuff. Perhaps this is something heavier since not only one person is affected, a whole circle of friends. A whole circle of friends, on the verge of tearing apart because of one damn homosexual, what a nice plot. I just heard them right outside of my room already, carefully talking in the hallway and I couldn't seem to catch even a single word.

     Chase then entered my room and Garrett passed by, already heading back to his room, and I just sat there, my posture was obvious enough to imply that I'm non-verbally asking him about what just happened a few seconds ago. He raised both of his eyebrows "Uhm, what's with the interrogating look? Garrett just gave me a little tour," he explained.

     I gave him an expression of satisfaction with my lips "Okay, come on, we're already going," I said then handed him my things without saying anything. He just held them for me anyway, even though he has no other choice. He just sighed, and I could feel him already getting used to my bossy attitude that just comes out from nowhere.

     "Ian?" I called for him, as we're about to head out.

     He went out of his room with his eyes glued to his phone, while he's walking towards us as if he's just using his peripheral vision hence focused on his phone, well I guess he's talking to his girlfriend. This man's really good at multitasking, I've heard that's a naturally-earned skill from playing a lot of video games, in which I ain't interested nor fond of. He reached us and we finally earned his gaze. "You guys are already leaving?" he asked.

     "Yeah, and tell Carla I already miss her homemade chocolate chip brownies," I said then winked, "we're going now, just tell Flynn that-"

     "Tell who?"

     I stepped aside, and we all glanced back. Yeah, speak of the devil, he's already here, standing right in front of the porch with his arms crossed, wickedly staring at me and Chase. He walked up with an attitude, he then already went inside while without saying anything, and we just watched him. I just sighed, I guess he's still pretty cold towards me.

     "Nevermind. Goodbye, Ian..." I said then we already walked off.

      The doubts of coming back came back.

     And it's pretty hilarious, in an awful way...