Why I'd Rather Be Wrong

Fragments Of The Past: 3

     "W-we can't let people know, my parents will hear about this."

     "So, we'll always do 'us' like a shadow?"

     "Trust me, it's for the best," I replied.

     We're currently parked right in front of his place in his car. I just started hating having conversations inside of cars for some reason, it's just so unnerving, maybe it's also because of the fact that I am claustrophobic. Some people already knew the thing between us, but thankfully, most of them are total strangers to the both of us so they don't really give a damn. I, myself personally don't really care at all, but I have to be careful with my actions since I'm still living under my parents' roof so technically I'm not yet free to do almost everything that I want. I love my parents, I really do, it's just...my dad. I am not on good terms with him ever since. I couldn't even remember the last time I have told him I love him as a parent.

     "I told you I won't mind if people knew, I'd even brag to the whole world that I have you as my boyfriend just because of how amazing you are," he said while he stared at the wheel, and I could already feel his despair but I couldn't blame him.

     "Let's just wait, there's always a proper timing with everything," I reassured him and he couldn't even look at me which makes me feel uneasy and so guilty. "Please?"

     He closed his eyes and gave out a tremendous sigh. "Fine, I understand and respect your decision," he said then reached for my hand and used his very own inevitable card that never fails to make me feel relieved: his precious smile. I just smiled back and we kept quiet for a second after that.

     "Aren't we going to the bridge yet?" I asked.

     "Oh. Yeah," he said all of a sudden as if he literally just remembered. He already accelerated the car and we already headed to the place where we disclosed our feelings for each other.

     I never realized that I'd be this much in love with a man. My parents always foresaw me ending up with a gorgeous woman that will give them the dearest grandchildren they've ever wanted and also allow our last name to stay in this world until its very end. My father is so intact with our family legacy, I don't know why but I also respect our legacy, I just don't want them to overrule me like I'm literally some sort of their property just because I'm their child. I don't mean to be rude but I just don't want people meddling with my decisions and problems in life.

     It's currently winter here in Seattle and everything feels so bland as if I'm already sick of the repetition of the same things all over again. It was so cold that I even have to wear my dark green coat on top of my gray sweater. I also just planned to stay indoors and just watch every snowflake fall slowly while I'm taking a sip of hot chocolate. But here I am, called by nature as this man wanted to go out and take pictures at Montlake bridge. I consider myself an introvert but not anymore. Back before, I go out sometimes, go for long walks, then go back with a kitten in my hand and my mom will scold me so I have no choice but to let them go. I loved staying in my room, taking pictures of the things in every corner, reading books, and having deep thoughts about life. But, it all changed when my dad started to talk to me about my future. Well, he actually talked like it's going to be his future as he literally stated to me everything that he wants me to do to my life. He wanted me to join the army and I didn't want to. I told him that I am going to pursue photography as it's what I'm passionate about. He also questioned my sexuality once, and he was so curious about it as if I'm already out of the house when my answer oppose what he actually wants me to be. I was still blind about my sexuality at that time as I did several things just for their approval. I had a girlfriend that lasted around 2 months just so I could prove something to him. Turns out, he wasn't really satisfied at all. So, I gave up, and that's when the judgemental vibe started to envelop him when it comes to stuff that has to do with me. He asks my sister about who I go out with, what do I do at school, if there's something weird on my social media, and all other kinds of 'parenting' that have no other intention but to meddle. I don't even know why he likes to meddle with my life excessively. I get it, it could be a form of parenting but it's just way too much, like for real. That's why I started not to pay attention to him anymore because I don't wanna plant such hatred towards him, even though he's clearly making several reasons for me to actually do. Being the eldest and only son that was born in a middle-class and somehow not financially stable family really challenged me, it made me realize that I have to do something to help my family so at the age of 16 I worked at a fast-food restaurant so that we could have extra income and supply our everyday needs. My childhood and teenage years may not be the best, but I tried to get the hang of it and enjoy it in every way possible.

     "Hey," he spoke and I just snapped out of the thoughts in my head all of a sudden then gazed upon him. "Seems like your mind have flown to different dimensions already, whatchu thinkin' about?" he asked.

     "You," I replied, and he just smiled but confused at the same time.

     "So, you're fantasizing about me?" he asked sarcastically with a wicked smile on his face. "I doubt that..."

     I sat closer to him so that I could rest my head on his shoulder. He held the wheel with one hand then caressed my head with his other hand while I closed my eyes, savoring it. "You know, you should thank me."

     "Why is that?" he asked then also tilted his head to rest it above mine.

     "Because of me, you're an immortal now."

     I felt him smile out of confusion "What do you mean?"

     "Because... first love never dies," I said, then grabbed his hand and clasped it with mine.

     He laughed low-key "That's literally not what that means but I guess you're trying to be funny, yeah, you got me there," he said then kissed my head.

     "28 days, and still counting, can't wait to spend my whole life with you, my Lawrence..." I said and snuggled in his warm armpits.

     "So, what would your parents do if they found out?" he asked while we're both leaned in on the fence of the pathwalk beside Montlake Cut, below Montlake Bridge after taking a couple of pictures around the bridge. Just by judging how the water moves, it's clear that it's very cold. His question just entered my mind just now and I don't even have any idea about what would my parents do if they found out the thing between me and this guy. But, I'm pretty sure that my dad won't just take it easy. I have already stated the reason why and that's what freaks me out. 

     I just watched a snowflake fall to the water and disappear "I don't know, but one thing's for sure, they won't be so happy about it," I replied.

     He gazed upon me, kind of dismayed "Why? Why wouldn't they be happy about their son being true to himself?"

     "It's because they couldn't understand? Maybe because they used to be 'normal' and that's what they want other people to abide, only because they are..."

    "You said 'they' so does that mean you think both of them will react in the same way?" he asked.

    "My mom could react differently and take it lightly, but that's already what I expect towards my dad, and that makes me feel uneasy," I spoke with traces of self-pity.

     He suddenly held my hand which made me look at him "We can do this, okay? I'll patiently wait for the right time that we're able to be openly identified as lovers, not just close best friends. I'll wait for you, for our future together. Because...you're the only reason why I'd rather be wrong, if that's what most people call it, that what we're doing is wrong. Yet it feels so good, it feels so right, so I guess I'd rather be wrong, with you..." he said and then hugged me from behind, enveloping me with his warmth. "Your voice, your presence, your smile, and everything else about you; those are the only reasons why I wake up with a smile on my face. I'm just looking forward to waking up with you next to my face..."