Why I'd Rather Be Wrong

Fragments Of The Past: 2

"I uh - I never thought that...I'd admire someone like you."

     "What do you mean?" I asked as I was completely caught off guard by what he just said.

     We've been hanging out for a couple of days now. We've been attached ever since we started doing the research together, turns out, with his experience with this same thing all over and over again enabled him to cooperate with me. We're currently doing our Peer Evaluations for our research at his house and he just interrupted it in the middle of the process as he just admitted something. He said he admires me, which is weird. Is he gay or something? I mean, there's nothing wrong with that but...

     "I said, I like you," he said as he stared at me right in the eye. He's just sitting beside me with his arms resting on the counter.

     I actually find him quite attractive, to be honest, but I don't think I'm gay.

     "So, you're gay?" I asked.

     "You know what, I think I'm actually straight," he said and he just confused the freaking hell out of me.

     "What? You literally just said -"

     "Straightly in love with you," he said right away and cut me off.

     I moved my stool a little bit away from him "Dude, we're literally both guys and I don't think I'm gay."

     He shrugged his shoulders "Is being gay a thought?" he asked sarcastically.

     "No, man. Look, you're cute and s**t but I ain't into you," I replied and just continued browsing through our research.

     "So, you find me cute?" he asked and moved closer to me and just stared right at my face.

     "Yeah?" I squinted my eyes as I replied. "What's the big deal with that?"

     "Nothing really. So, if you're actually a straight man, you won't mind kissing me on the cheek, right?" he taunted while he gave off a threatening smirk.

     "No?"

     "Then do it, I dare you," he said and moved his cheek closer to me.

     I literally cannot decipher what this guy actually wants, like for real, he's being so sketchy yet it's obvious that he wants to take advantage of me since he kinda likes me for some reason.

     "No, you're just taking advantage of me and you might make it a big deal," I said then just continued doing polishing our research

     "Nah, c'mon, just one quick smack of your lips on my cheek and that's when I'll believe that you're actually straight," he said and moved his stool closer to me.

     I just rested my elbows against the table and covered my face, as this guy's literally testing me out. "Fine," I said and he immediately faced his cheek towards me. I moved my lips closer to his cheek. My lips are about to touch his cheek but he suddenly turned his head aside in which caused us to kiss, lips to lips. I quickly pulled my head away and stood up "Jeez! What the heck, man!"

     He just grinned triumphantly "I'm sorry, I just had to," he said.

     I wiped my lips using the sleeves of my sweater "Gawd, I literally cannot give even a single ounce of trust to you after you did that. Let's just call this a day," I said and already closed my laptop then put it in my bag.

     He just sat there, quietly, looking directly at me with his eyes that are kind of like pleading. He's literally playing the victim here even though he's the one that took advantage of me, what the frick. "I'm sorry, again," he said, quietly. I just questioned myself: WHY THE HECK DO I FEEL GUILTY?

     I wore my backpack already "I'm just gonna update you," I said and already headed out of his place without his assistance.

     I walked down a flight of stairs and went out of the dorm's premises. I am already walking on the pavement and I suddenly recall what just happened earlier. I touched my lips using my thumb and index finger while I reminisced about what happened. The sensation of his lips on mine, I'm still able to recall it, I could still feel it, it's weird, but, it's...fascinating. I just stopped for a second, I looked at my pants and...my down there isn't down anymore, what the hell. Am I charmed or something? Was his saliva was some sort of love potion? Because I think I like him too... I covered my face with my hands while people walked past me, they may be thinking I'm some sort of a weirdo but I didn't even mind. What is this feeling? Am I gay? Why does it feel like I am sort of attracted to him? But, the attraction also feels like an understatement too. It's like I already love him... But I am just so scared of what could happen if I'd let myself fall for him. I've been despising homosexuals but little did I know that I may be one of them too, it's all twisted yet I guess it all comes with a reason. I just continued walking but every step away from his house made my feet feel heavier and hesitant of proceeding. Look what you've done to me, you bastard...

"Out of all the people in this world, why me?"

"I've been lectured by my parents about following my dreams."

     "So, you're actually serious about what you said to me?" I asked as we're standing right next to each other. A few days have passed, and there wasn't even a day that I haven't thought about him, he conquered my mind and questioned who I really am. I'm freaking obsessed for some reason but I do know that...I'm already having feelings towards him. It's so bizarre but I can't just put all of this delicate and intimate affection down the drain just because I'm trying to be the person that everyone wants to perceive me. Now, it's already around 8 PM and we're on Montlake Bridge, savoring the beautiful night sky. I just rested my hands against the fence of the bridge while stooping down, staring at him while I waited for his answer. 

     "What made you think I wasn't actually serious?" he asked, and I was left totally speechless.

     "Am I the only one that knows who you truly are?" I asked, and I immediately looked away because staring at him kills me inside, it's like I'm already surrendering myself to his persuasive gaze.

     "Yeah," he replied right away. "And I don't mind people knowing who I really am if it means being able to have you."

     Fuck... I literally don't know what to do at this point but it feels so freaking good. His words are stabbing me delicately as I know that any decision will have such consequences. I'm thinking of blurting it all out to him, that I also love him. But, doing so will make some people hate me, even my family. On the contrary, if I chose to just ignore this thing that I feel towards him, soon enough I'll be devoured by it, I'll be enveloped by self-guilt, because I chose to elude who I really am, just for the sake of what other people say. I'm so sick and tired of doing things against my will. It's so unfair. Well, I don't think I'm able to reject him anyway, my love for him is way too enormous already.

     Several cars passed by behind us and we just stood there, quietly, while he's patiently waiting for me to reply. I sighed and looked down at the Montlake Cut, the canal in which connects Portage and Union bay "What if I told you that...I love you too?" I asked.

     He immediately grabbed my right hand and clasped it with his hand "Then, let's be together," he said. "I'll promise that I'll be there for you, no matter what." 

     "Why are you doing this to me?" irritatedly falling for him, I asked. "Why are you so f*****g irresistible?"

     He smirked "I'm just telling you the truth. I've been hiding in the closet for years, I've been fooling myself for so long, I experimented with my sexuality just to satisfy my parents, to assure them that their only son will eventually give them grandchildren, but here I am now. Just found the guy that I've always dreamt about," he said, all while we stared at each other in the eye. Every word that came out of his mouth we're so sincere, it feels so genuine. "And hey, you're not the only one that was bothered by the other's presence. I was literally astounded by you the first time we met, but you're such a badass and I felt thrilled."

      "We've known each other just recently, how are you so sure that I am really the one that you've ever dreamt of?" I asked sarcastically with a smile on my face.

     He shrugged "You would never know, I am the only one that could perceive my dreams," he said. "I don't even know if I'm just dreaming at this point, now that you're beside me right now, telling me that you feel the same towards me."

     I pinched his nose "There, see, you aren't dreaming," then I laughed. 

     He then started to touch his nose "That kinda hurt, but thank you," he said then laughed too. He held my hand tighter "So, does this mean you're my boyfriend now?" he asked, feeling kind of proud of himself. Him calling me boyfriend felt way too weird but in a good way. I laughed because I just saw his nose already as red as a tomato. "Why the heck are you laughin'?"

     "I just -" I suddenly burst into laughter while I put my other hand on my belly and he just looked up at the steel bars of the bridge because he's clueless about what I'm laughing about.

     He let go of my hand "Are you...pranking me?" he asked, and his face was so serious that the smile on my face disappeared all of a sudden.

     "No," I replied right away. "It's also my fault that I'm laughing, it's because your nose became way too red after I pinched it, you look like a clown with a big red nose," I explained while I'm trying so hard not to laugh again. Looks like he already understood why I was laughing, which was a relief. "Jokes aside, yeah, I'm ready to be your boyfriend," I said and grabbed his hand back, as it feels good holding it.

     "They say reach for your dreams, it just feels so good now that I'm holding mine," he said and then rested his head against on top of mine because he's kinda taller than me.

     I just don't want this night to end, even though I also want to have more memories with him. For the first time in my whole existence, I was able to feel what it's like to have someone by my side. That someone that's also the same as me, the one that understands me. Just like what he told me earlier; I don't mind risking it all, I'll be happy to be with him, to be myself.

     He grabbed both of my shoulders and faced me towards him. "I... I love you so much, Jaze," he said then clenched his lips together. It feels so romantic, I feel like I don't even need words right now. His gaze is already enough to tell me how much he really loves me.

     Our spot was kinda dark since only one lamp is responsible for providing us light and also the headlights of the cars passing by. We don't even pay attention if people are actually staring at us right now, we're just savoring our moment together, now that we finally admitted what we really feel towards each other.

     He pulled me closer and rested his forehead on mine while he looked down on me. "My existence and emotions only rely on you, from now on.

     "What do you mean?" I asked as I was completely caught off guard by what he just said.

     We've been hanging out for a couple of days now. We've been attached ever since we started doing the research together, turns out, with his experience with this same thing all over and over again enabled him to cooperate with me. We're currently doing our Peer Evaluations for our research at his house and he just interrupted it in the middle of the process as he just admitted something. He said he admires me, which is weird. Is he gay or something? I mean, there's nothing wrong with that but...

     "I said, I like you," he said as he stared at me right in the eye. He's just sitting beside me with his arms resting on the counter.

     I actually find him quite attractive, to be honest, but I don't think I'm gay.

     "So, you're gay?" I asked.

     "You know what, I think I'm actually straight," he said and he just confused the freaking hell out of me.

     "What? You literally just said -"

     "Straightly in love with you," he said right away and cut me off.

     I moved my stool a little bit away from him "Dude, we're literally both guys and I don't think I'm gay."

     He shrugged his shoulders "Is being gay a thought?" he asked sarcastically.

     "No, man. Look, you're cute and s**t but I ain't into you," I replied and just continued browsing through our research.

     "So, you find me cute?" he asked and moved closer to me and just stared right at my face.

     "Yeah?" I squinted my eyes as I replied. "What's the big deal with that?"

     "Nothing really. So, if you're actually a straight man, you won't mind kissing me on the cheek, right?" he taunted while he gave off a threatening smirk.

     "No?"

     "Then do it, I dare you," he said and moved his cheek closer to me.

     I literally cannot decipher what this guy actually wants, like for real, he's being so sketchy yet it's obvious that he wants to take advantage of me since he kinda likes me for some reason.

     "No, you're just taking advantage of me and you might make it a big deal," I said then just continued doing polishing our research

     "Nah, c'mon, just one quick smack of your lips on my cheek and that's when I'll believe that you're actually straight," he said and moved his stool closer to me.

     I just rested my elbows against the table and covered my face, as this guy's literally testing me out. "Fine," I said and he immediately faced his cheek towards me. I moved my lips closer to his cheek. My lips are about to touch his cheek but he suddenly turned his head aside in which caused us to kiss, lips to lips. I quickly pulled my head away and stood up "Jeez! What the heck, man!"

     He just grinned triumphantly "I'm sorry, I just had to," he said.

     I wiped my lips using the sleeves of my sweater "Gawd, I literally cannot give even a single ounce of trust to you after you did that. Let's just call this a day," I said and already closed my laptop then put it in my bag.

     He just sat there, quietly, looking directly at me with his eyes that are kind of like pleading. He's literally playing the victim here even though he's the one that took advantage of me, what the frick. "I'm sorry, again," he said, quietly. I just questioned myself: WHY THE HECK DO I FEEL GUILTY?

     I wore my backpack already "I'm just gonna update you," I said and already headed out of his place without his assistance.

     I walked down a flight of stairs and went out of the dorm's premises. I am already walking on the pavement and I suddenly recall what just happened earlier. I touched my lips using my thumb and index finger while I reminisced about what happened. The sensation of his lips on mine, I'm still able to recall it, I could still feel it, it's weird, but, it's...fascinating. I just stopped for a second, I looked at my pants and...my down there isn't down anymore, what the hell. Am I charmed or something? Was his saliva was some sort of love potion? Because I think I like him too... I covered my face with my hands while people walked past me, they may be thinking I'm some sort of a weirdo but I didn't even mind. What is this feeling? Am I gay? Why does it feel like I am sort of attracted to him? But, the attraction also feels like an understatement too. It's like I already love him... But I am just so scared of what could happen if I'd let myself fall for him. I've been despising homosexuals but little did I know that I may be one of them too, it's all twisted yet I guess it all comes with a reason. I just continued walking but every step away from his house made my feet feel heavier and hesitant of proceeding. Look what you've done to me, you bastard...

"Out of all the people in this world, why me?"

"I've been lectured by my parents about following my dreams."

     "So, you're actually serious about what you said to me?" I asked as we're standing right next to each other. A few days have passed, and there wasn't even a day that I haven't thought about him, he conquered my mind and questioned who I really am. I'm freaking obsessed for some reason but I do know that...I'm already having feelings towards him. It's so bizarre but I can't just put all of this delicate and intimate affection down the drain just because I'm trying to be the person that everyone wants to perceive me. Now, it's already around 8 PM and we're on Montlake Bridge, savoring the beautiful night sky. I just rested my hands against the fence of the bridge while stooping down, staring at him while I waited for his answer. 

     "What made you think I wasn't actually serious?" he asked, and I was left totally speechless.

     "Am I the only one that knows who you truly are?" I asked, and I immediately looked away because staring at him kills me inside, it's like I'm already surrendering myself to his persuasive gaze.

     "Yeah," he replied right away. "And I don't mind people knowing who I really am if it means being able to have you."

     Fuck... I literally don't know what to do at this point but it feels so freaking good. His words are stabbing me delicately as I know that any decision will have such consequences. I'm thinking of blurting it all out to him, that I also love him. But, doing so will make some people hate me, even my family. On the contrary, if I chose to just ignore this thing that I feel towards him, soon enough I'll be devoured by it, I'll be enveloped by self-guilt, because I chose to elude who I really am, just for the sake of what other people say. I'm so sick and tired of doing things against my will. It's so unfair. Well, I don't think I'm able to reject him anyway, my love for him is way too enormous already.

     Several cars passed by behind us and we just stood there, quietly, while he's patiently waiting for me to reply. I sighed and looked down at the Montlake Cut, the canal in which connects Portage and Union bay "What if I told you that...I love you too?" I asked.

     He immediately grabbed my right hand and clasped it with his hand "Then, let's be together," he said. "I'll promise that I'll be there for you, no matter what." 

     "Why are you doing this to me?" irritatedly falling for him, I asked. "Why are you so f*****g irresistible?"

     He smirked "I'm just telling you the truth. I've been hiding in the closet for years, I've been fooling myself for so long, I experimented with my sexuality just to satisfy my parents, to assure them that their only son will eventually give them grandchildren, but here I am now. Just found the guy that I've always dreamt about," he said, all while we stared at each other in the eye. Every word that came out of his mouth we're so sincere, it feels so genuine. "And hey, you're not the only one that was bothered by the other's presence. I was literally astounded by you the first time we met, but you're such a badass and I felt thrilled."

      "We've known each other just recently, how are you so sure that I am really the one that you've ever dreamt of?" I asked sarcastically with a smile on my face.

     He shrugged "You would never know, I am the only one that could perceive my dreams," he said. "I don't even know if I'm just dreaming at this point, now that you're beside me right now, telling me that you feel the same towards me."

     I pinched his nose "There, see, you aren't dreaming," then I laughed. 

     He then started to touch his nose "That kinda hurt, but thank you," he said then laughed too. He held my hand tighter "So, does this mean you're my boyfriend now?" he asked, feeling kind of proud of himself. Him calling me boyfriend felt way too weird but in a good way. I laughed because I just saw his nose already as red as a tomato. "Why the heck are you laughin'?"

     "I just -" I suddenly burst into laughter while I put my other hand on my belly and he just looked up at the steel bars of the bridge because he's clueless about what I'm laughing about.

     He let go of my hand "Are you...pranking me?" he asked, and his face was so serious that the smile on my face disappeared all of a sudden.

     "No," I replied right away. "It's also my fault that I'm laughing, it's because your nose became way too red after I pinched it, you look like a clown with a big red nose," I explained while I'm trying so hard not to laugh again. Looks like he already understood why I was laughing, which was a relief. "Jokes aside, yeah, I'm ready to be your boyfriend," I said and grabbed his hand back, as it feels good holding it.

     "They say reach for your dreams, it just feels so good now that I'm holding mine," he said and then rested his head against on top of mine because he's kinda taller than me.

     I just don't want this night to end, even though I also want to have more memories with him. For the first time in my whole existence, I was able to feel what it's like to have someone by my side. That someone that's also the same as me, the one that understands me. Just like what he told me earlier; I don't mind risking it all, I'll be happy to be with him, to be myself.

     He grabbed both of my shoulders and faced me towards him. "I... I love you so much, Jaze," he said then clenched his lips together. It feels so romantic, I feel like I don't even need words right now. His gaze is already enough to tell me how much he really loves me.

     Our spot was kinda dark since only one lamp is responsible for providing us light and also the headlights of the cars passing by. We don't even pay attention if people are actually staring at us right now, we're just savoring our moment together, now that we finally admitted what we really feel towards each other.

     He pulled me closer and rested his forehead on mine while he looked down on me. "My existence and emotions only rely on you, from now on. Mark this day, even if fate is the one that would keep us away, my love for you will stay, I'll still think about you every day. We'll find our way in this world full of 'what would people say?'."