Why I'd Rather Be Wrong

Chapter 10, Part 3: Existential Crisis

Jaze D'Angelo

     I'm home, it does feel like home. But, I feel something else, something deep, my chest feels heavy and so is my head. I am not ill, but mentally - I am. There's this feeling again, the feeling that my whole presence and existence are useless. I'm back to the phase, it's here again. I've been bound to it again and I don't even know for how long. It's not yet done, but I'm already done with it. Why can't I just be free? How can I look at the ceiling and not think about how long my life is gonna be? Why do I even have to experience this? Why me? What causes this? I'm almost on the verge of rediscovering myself and yet here it is again, hindering the process, or it might actually stop the process, everything, if I am not wary and careful enough with my actions. I just wanna be loved because I feel like I'm actually unloved. Longing for my life to perpetuate but this thing always lay in wait, waiting for the exact moment, to torture me. I know, it's all me, it's just me all alone, it's a battle against myself. I know I'm strong, but I don't even know how long I could keep holding on. I know there's an exact root for all of this, but right now I'm truly clueless. I don't know the reason why I keep having this. I'm just here, in this bed that I've abandoned for a couple of days. I felt welcomed when I came back here, and little did I know that this thing would also welcome me with the worst freaking hug. I suddenly feel empty, even affection won't cure me immediately, not even Chase, not even my friends and family. I feel alone because this is a battle on my own, and heck, why can't it just move on? I feel like it's gonna bother me even at my own grave, it'll still be there for me, startling me while I hope to rest peacefully for eternity. I wanna cry it all out, but not even a tear can be squeezed out. I've already had sleepless nights dealing with this, I don't want another, but it feels like I have no other choice but to face this battle even though I've won the war several times already. I've faced so many and yet there's not even a single time that I'm fully prepared for it.

     God, please, hear my call, please don't let me fall, as I'm already facing down the river in which I decided to fall. I've managed to drive up to 19th Street Bridge without a doubt. I just felt like driving alone at night and I just brought myself to this one particular bridge, as I feel a deep connection to bridges, as if there's something about me that's actually connected to one, but I can't figure out which one, so I just went to a random one. I fearlessly sat on the fence while I indulged myself in self-pity. I know this won't actually change anything but except for one thing, and that...is to end everything... After a while, a tear managed to slide down my face and into the river below me. As I cried, I could feel my grip on the steel bar of the fence loosening, it's already happening, this thing will finally have its ending...and so am I...

     Someone suddenly wrapped their arms around me and recklessly pulled me and we both fell to the ground. My head landed on this person's head and there I knew that it was a man, but after comprehending that thought, I've already passed out because of the impact.

Flashback - Jaze D'Angelo

     "Look at me in the eye, remember it's every detail. Listen to my heartbeat, let it remind you how much I've loved you. Cherish these lips of mine, let it tell you that I'm all yours and you're all mine."

     "I'm sorry, weirdo, but I feel like you've mistaken, even the gender, we're both guys, that's kind of impossible. If you don't have anything else to say, I'm gonna go now."

     He suddenly grabbed my hand as I attempted to walk away, I feel like any time by now I'll just swing on this guy for how annoying he is. But I saw the sadness through his eyes, the sincerity, but he's totally mistaken. I don't know him and yet he's acting as he knows me and every part of me. "Picture out the precious moments we spent together, the times we weren't sober, the laughter, I just want you to remember." He held my hand tighter, and I could already feel him starting to cry, I feel so bad but I guess there's literally nothing I could do to elude him, so I guess I'm just gonna let him say everything he wanna say, and I'll just go home and forget about this day.

     "I'm just so sorry, man, there's literally nothing to picture out in my mind. If I could, I would, but that's disgusting, dude..."

     "I'm sorry, I guess there's nothing else I could do to convince you right now. I just wanna say this right in front of you even though it will just mean nothing to you. I just wanna tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, sorry that I couldn't do anything but wish on the skies above that you would still know the only one that you used to love."

     "Love? That's cool and all, I could actually love you, but not the same as the love you're actually referring to, that type of affection of yours is way too deep towards a guy, towards me, and to be honest with you that's actually kinda creepy. I don't have anything against gay people but I'm sorry, I'm certain that I am not into guys." I already attempted to walk away but he's not yet letting go of my hand. "I hate to break it to you but this hand right here -" I pointed at my hand "- is actually my hand, not yours, so please can you let go of it now before I lose control?" I asked, sarcastically yet courteously, and he let go of my hand afterward. "Thank you, jeez."

     "I'm ready to surrender if that's for the better..."

     Gah, this man isn't finished yet like what the heck. Am I really that special for him? I'm starting to think that this guy actually lost his mind or hit his head, I don't even know. "Okay, I'm gonna let you tell me everything you wanna say, spill it all out, if that pleases you then go."

     "There's just one thing I'm asking for, one thing, the Jaze I knew is still there, and I know that one day you would remember me, well, I hope... I wish you're able to see what's in my mind so that it could tell you who you really are. Just know that...I never gave up on you, your Lawrence never did..." he then finally walked away, hunched over like a broken-hearted man that was rejected by his special someone, which is clearly not me. I hope that he finds that someone that'll love him dearly, as his love is just so pure and sincere, but some part of me thinks that there's something wrong with him and got him mistaken. The name Lawrence doesn't ring any bell in me at all, and it's so weird.

Cassius Clifford

     I immediately ran towards him after I saw him slowly letting go of the handrail he's sitting on and pulled him away. He was still holding on to the handrail as I pulled him and when he let go, the force that pulled us back increased and made us fall to the ground, he landed on my chest with such impact. Luckily, I immediately pulled my head up as we fell and I didn't hit my head on the ground.

     "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" I yelled as I sat up, I looked at him and it's like he passed out. "Hey," I said as I shook him, and he's completely unconscious.

     I checked for his pulse and it's positive. I put my cheek near his nasals and felt air coming out and I also felt his belly fluctuate, he just completely passed out, nothing so serious at all but I still have to take him to the hospital just to be sure. I then lifted him and carried him on my shoulder, the fireman's carry style while I hurriedly ran towards my car. I never thought he could think of doing something like this, I couldn't even tell that he was experiencing something, maybe this was all of a sudden. Good thing that I secretly exchanged numbers with his friend, Garrett, earlier when we went there, and he contacted me when he saw Jaze leaving in the middle of the night. I waited for a couple of minutes but he didn't arrive at my house so I start to get worried and I drove around town searching for him, luckily I decided to look around 19th Street Bridge and there I saw him sitting on the handrail. At first, I thought he was just doing that to relax, but I saw him wipe his tears so I remained my distance, wait for a signal before going in, then boom, it happened. Now, I'm already driving him to the hospital hastily, see if something's wrong with him just now, but I'm pretty sure he just passed out.

Jaze D'Angelo

     My mind sparked as my consciousness came back. My head hurts and my body feels numb, I can't even move any of my limbs. I opened my eyes and nothing but a blinding light came into my sight, I squinted my eyes and it's just a bright freaking lamp just a few meters away from my face. For a moment I thought I'm already in heaven, what the heck. I'm pretty sure this is a hospital, did that someone that rescued me from falling brought me here?

     I suddenly heard a door open "Hello?" I called. After a few seconds, I could hear heels thudding as if it's approaching me, but they haven't said anything yet.

     "Mr. D'Angelo, you're awake, ugh, you shouldn't have, I bet you don't wanna witness this but I'm sorry you have to," a lady spoke. She approached me and put her head right under the lamp, and there I saw her but she's masked, that kinda creeped me out, I'm not gonna lie. "This won't take long, it won't hurt either, but I'm sure it will truly hurt and dispel the abomination inside you," she said as she stabbed a vial with the syringe and siphoned the liquid in the vial. She recklessly removed the blanket that's covering my body and there I saw the reason why I couldn't move, I was actually being held captive. Belts are holding my every limb and one around my belly. "It's okay, honey, it's for the best," she said, mimicking my mother's voice and slowly moved the syringe's needle towards my wrist. I tried screaming but I couldn't. Am I dreaming? She stabbed my wrist suddenly, which made me flinch.

    "Hah!" I gasped as I woke up into reality, realizing that it was just a nightmare, but still, I woke up in a hospital, but I could already move freely. I saw Chase on the corner, startled as he heard my gasp.

     He hurriedly approached me and then hugged me, enveloping me with his own warmth. I feel like crying but I'm trying not to. I guess he's the one who rescued me on the bridge. We just hugged each other tightly, quietly, feeling both of our hearts beating.

     "You're dumb, I hope you know that," he said while we're stuck with each other's arms.

     "I'm sorry... I uh - I just don't know what I'm doing, I was getting carried by it..."

     He began stroking my back with his ginormous yet delicate hands "Don't worry, I'm right here... You could've told me, you know?" He pushed me away slightly to take a look at my face, he gave out a tremendous sigh, and then suddenly cracked a worrisome smile "Don't you ever do that again, please, if you're feeling something, just meet me, call me, I'll be there for you right away."

     "Right, thank you," I replied.

     The door opened and I saw all of my friends hastily entered the room I'm admitted to. They stopped right after the door as if they just interrupted something. I threw my hands in the air and they all immediately approached and hugged me, except for Flynn, who still stood by the door with his arms crossed.

     "I thought we're gonna lose you, dickhead, you won't even imagine how worried Trenton is," Garrett joked.

     "Gago ka talaga," Trenton replied, then shove Garrett's hands away from me.

     "Okay, okay, okay, let go of me now, you guys are suffocating me, I might pass out again," I said as I already tried to make them let go of me but they just couldn't, even Ian. They felt that I'm already struggling so they did let go of their hands off of me and I just panted while I try to catch my breath. "Who told y'all what happened?" I asked, and they all gazed upon Chase who just eluded eye contact from me. "I see... There's actually nothing wrong with that though."

     "I am actually the one that told him you went out all of a sudden in the middle of the night," Garrett said, feeling proud of himself.

     Trenton then sat on the stool beside my bed and laid his head on my lap, he's obviously sleepy, and yet he still wanted to come and see me. I just caressed his head and he's actually enjoying it.

     "I'm just gonna wait for you guys outside," Flynn said, and then already left the room, coldly.

     "What's up with him?" Chase asked them.

     They all shrugged their shoulders in unison "He's always like that, nothing new," Ian replied as if he were actually like that all the time, even though the four of us knows that he just became like that a few days earlier.

     "So, what actually happened to him?" Trenton asked Chase with full curiosity.

     "He... He almost fell off the bridge, he's sitting on the handrail, letting himself lose grip, but luckily, I was already there at that exact moment. I quickly pulled him away, we fell on the ground, I managed not to hit my head on the ground but he fell on my chest with such impact, that's why he passed out. I carried him on my shoulder and hurriedly rushed him here," Chase explained, and three of them looked like little children listening at someone telling them a bedtime story.

Knock! Knock!

     We all gazed upon by the door after we heard the knock and saw the doctor at the door.

     "I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" she asked politely yet in a joking manner. "Also I didn't expect the patient's room to be this crowded, huh," she added, which made the three look at each other, signalling each one using only their eyes to leave the room. As they were about to head towards the exit "No, please, stay," the doctor insisted, so they stopped. "There's actually nothing wrong with that, I just mentioned it. Well in fact, it's actually for the better that the patient's getting more company as he truly needs it." She approached me "I'm really glad to see you awake by now, Mr. D'Angelo. I am Dr. Marfaliza Ponce, but you can just call me Marfie or Dr. Marfie if you please. I am Mr. Clifford's personal therapist and I also work here at P/SL. He called and told me everything that happened which I truly understand. While you were still unconscious, we've already overlooked your situation and I'm glad to inform you all that you are in perfect condition, well, physically. I'm guessing there is a lot of things we're gonna have to work on with your mental health so I am here to ask for your consent that we let you undergo a couple of therapies with me, is that okay?"

     "Uhm - yeah, that's okay with me," I replied. She was being so nice to me so I also smiled at her too. "But who is going to take care of my expenses with you though? Oh - wait, nevermind, I already know the answer."

     She just grinned "Let yourself rest for now. We're not in a hurry, so, we'll just talk about your schedules soon and we will get started by then," she said. "It was nice meeting you. Now, if you may excuse me, duty calls." Then she already left the room.

     I glared at Chase "Why on earth did you get me a therapist for?" I asked, blatantly pissed.

     "Because...you really need one. She's actually a very good therapist though, she's pretty nice too, you'll get along, trust me," he assured.

     "Okay, Dad," I replied sarcastically.

     "I actually agree with Chase though, since you really are going through something that even us couldn't help you with," Trenton inferred.

     "Yeah, man, besides she also looks good too," Garrett included, "mind if you get her number for m - ow!" he yelled as he got elbowed by Ian. "For crying out loud, I am just kidding," he said, and we all stared at him as there's literally nothing funny about that, and he actually kinda felt bad, he looked like a poor little puppy.

     "Okay fine, majority wins, I will be seeing her," I replied then rested my wrist on my forehead, blocking some of the light from invading my eyesight and also because I still feel kinda dizzy.

     I do hope she can help me. I really do...