Unnoticed

Entry 013

Well, today…I was scheduled to sing in front of more than fifty people. I was too afraid because I never talked to anyone more than one person at a time, what more if I sing in front of a crowd? That’s too much for me, right? But this stupid deal with Dino was the only reason why I’m pushing my luck.

If not for him, I wouldn’t dare to stand in front of them. Why would I? I can save myself from shame if I would stay behind the curtains, blend in the crowd and never, ever be noticed. But here I am, breathing like a stupid kid with asthma. Breathing in and out, in and out, in and out. Until I couldn’t see the other applicants anymore, I was too concentrated with my breathing. And as I do so, I remembered Dino bidding me goodbye and whispering his words of good lucks and such. And it made me smile.

I slowly took my humble steps until I reached the middle part of the stage. My eyes were half-closed, I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to hear them hissing, laughing, saying things like I was just a stupid mule standing before them. I don’t want everyone to degrade me. I don’t want to be humiliated. However, I couldn’t save myself from this anymore. There are no more turning backs. I have to bear with this. Get over with this when it’s finally done and live my life in isolation again.

This would be the first and last, I swear!

After this, I would be the old me again, the unnoticed Hush, the one who spends her precious time hiding, concealing, being unknown.

My eyes wandered at the sight in front of me. Some creased their brows like I was a piece of bad news. Some remained stoned in their seat. Who wouldn’t? The girl who was used on blending, the unseen being, was right here, standing like a scared cat in front of them. But the band were just intently looking at me, maybe waiting for me to lose myself and crack a stupid piece in front of the enormous crowd.

I sighed in resignation. I just had to get over with this.

“What do you have for us? Uh, Hush? Right?” the girl with pixie jet black hair asked. She was Hitch, the drummer of the band and the most beautiful girl in the group. Seating beside her was the famous fun-loving Rain, a tourism major who’s in charge of the piano. There was also Sunny, accountancy major, the complete opposite of Rain because she was just mysterious and cold to everyone despite her name. The famous twin, Fin and Ferb, were also there, happily strumming notes in their acoustic and bass guitar. But Ilia, the quirky lead vocalist could not be seen with them. She graduated last March, and so ‘Thunderclap’ is now looking for a vocalist as a replacement for the old one.

Behind them were the students of my school, some wanted to see pure entertainment, and some just wanted to laugh at those who failed to give a beautiful piece for the Thunderclap. That’s how people do. If they won’t praise you for your good traits, they will mock you for being such a big loser. Ironic.

And I guess, after my performance, they would do the same for me. They would laugh at me, they would slap each other’s butt and roll on the floor laughing hard for hearing such an ugly performance.

“Miss Invisible,” I uttered, almost close to a whisper. Hitch nodded in recognition for the song and smiled sweetly.

“Taylor Swift?” Sunny glumly asked. I nervously nodded and was shocked to catch a glimpse of a smile from the cold lady.

“Begin,” Fin interrupted.

I breathed dizzily and started recalling the phrases of the song and when I finally found it inside my mind, I began.

There’s a girl who sits under the bleachers

Just another day eating alone

And though she smiles, there is something she’s hiding

And she can’t find a way to relate.

I wonder why I chose this song. Maybe, it’s because I’m just like that girl in the song. I’m an Eccedentesiast for hiding my pain by posing a fake smile.

She just goes unnoticed,

As the crowd passes by

And she’ll pretend to be busy

When inside she just wants to cry

She’ll say…

I can’t remember when was the last time I talked to anyone without holding my defenses. I never had a friend, only Asha but she’s nowhere in sight. She’s busy with her boyfriend and as well as her course. She's the only girl who became close to me after I graduated in high school. I don’t understand it, either.

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible

Look a little harder,

I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes

Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible

Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day

When you’ll ask her her name.

Ironically, the song really fitted my personality. If there’d be someone who could understand why I’m like this, it would be someone who felt the same way, unaccepted. But I never knew anyone like me. Every people I met have their own circle of friends, a typical family, and a normal family. I’m just abnormal.

The beginning, in the first weeks of class

She did everything to try to fit in

But the others they couldn’t seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface

And she would close her eyes when they left

Sometimes, I end up asking myself: what’s wrong with me? Am I really such a loser that no one wants to befriend me?

Why can’t they just accept me for who I am? I’m not unique, and so what? I’m not friendly, I’m not easy to be with but does that mean that I couldn’t be one of them?

I once tried reaching out for the others, but unfortunately, I ended breaking my own heart because they couldn’t just like me. Am I that bad?

And as she fell down the stairs

And the more that they joked

And the more that they screamed

She retreated to where she is now

And she’ll sing…

In the end, I stopped myself from fitting in. If no one wants to be my friend, why would I want them in my life either? They’re not a loss. They’re just a liability, right? And from then on, I found this own scheme where it wouldn’t hurt me that bad. I’ll just blend in, but blending in doesn’t mean that I’ll be mingling with them. Blending in meant acting as if I never existed, it’s acting as if I’m invisible. That’s how my life went.

Then one day, just the same as the last

Just, the days been in counting the time

Came a boy, that sat under the bleachers

Just a little bit further behind

Then this towel guy came who broke all those defenses and secret schemes. He’s the one who dared to enter my life that even my parents never wanted to be a part of my own universe. And now, he pushed me to do the things I never did before. He asked for friendship but I ended up falling for him. Is that right? No, it’s not. Now, I’m obliged to sing in front of these people whom I barely knew.

I slowly opened my eyes after hearing that the music finally faded. There, I saw their straight faces, even the quirky Rain was just looking at me as if I was a specimen in a science lab. Even the ones who kept laughing on the applicants who gave a bad show were just silently looking at me.

Tears welled from my eyes. This was why I hated to do this. Because of this freakin’ dare, the idea that an invisible girl sang in bad tune would stick in their mind forever. And they would silently mock me until my college days would end.

I started taking my steps, half-running. I couldn’t take it anymore. Their faces were enough for me to believe that I don’t have a place in the Thunderclap’s realm. This was not just for me. At least, it’s not for an unnoticed, socially awkward and badly-tuned girl like me. Someone’s out there, pretty face, beautiful voice, charming…and it couldn’t be me.

“Hush!” I heard someone called but I was already on the doorstep, I won’t turn back anymore. I couldn’t see the crowd laughing at me. I couldn’t bear to see the band whispering words of mockery for my performance. That’s too much for me to bear.

When I reached the boarding house, Dino was waiting near the door of my room. I instantly opened my door and slammed it afterward. I couldn’t talk to him. He’s the one to blame! If he didn’t push me, I wouldn’t have to feel this.

After hearing the clicking sound, I slumped in my bed and silently wept. How I wished, I was just another person. I wished that my life didn’t suck. I wished that I never gave in on Dino’s charm. I could have saved myself from all of this.