What if I wasn't done loving you?

When we are just one word that never ends.

Just take it easy.

You can be happy without me, right?

The point is, don't lose yourself just because of me, G.

Later, whether I'm there or not, it'll be the same anyway. You can still be happy.

Gabriela watched the video from two years ago again. The footage was simple, a little shaky from the laughter of both of them after Rama said those words.

Back then, Gabriela thought Rama's simple words were just an empty box that would never be completely filled because they were both holding on to their feelings tightly together. Gabriela thought it was all just a joke they would tell each other as a memory that they would replay with the same laughter.

Because Gabriela believed there would be no time when they would leave each other. There would be no time for Gabriela to lose the person who had always been with her for the past eight years. There was no "he" and "she" because the two of them would always be "we." Forever.

Gabriela thought nothing could force her to lose herself after all the sad and happy days that she and Rama had gone through together.

Gabriela thought they would always embrace each other as usual. Protecting and getting through every frustrating twist and turn of life. Gabriela thought she could have that perfect life forever.

Gabriela thought so.

But when she finished her master's degree in Perth alone, messages from her and Rama's close friends came pouring in.

"Ge? Did you really break up with Rama?"

"Is the news you broke up last year true, Ge?"

Stupid questions that Gabriela shouldn't have to answer because everyone actually just didn't want to believe that Rama and she had been over for 664 days.

Funny.

Funny because Gabriela could never let go of their memories. Let go of the important dates that she thought were worth replaying. Or simple memories like the comic books, novels, and self-help books that she and Rama bought every time they got their salary at the end of the month from their part-time job at the cafe in front of the campus.

Or the old bracelet whose string was fragile from the heat and cold of the streets they traveled every time they went out together to save their monthly money. Also the matching mugs with the cute characters of Rama's favorite animation How to Train Your Dragon that she got after winning a simple competition at the campus art festival.

Or also their photos that looked so happy.

Also the videos that Gabriela recorded every time they were together in the cheap apartment they rented together while living a frugal campus life. When Rama and she were still struggling with endless job application papers.

Gabriela's hand pressed the mouse once more until a video with the street in front of their old apartment as the background played clearly in Gabriela's memory. The two of them were sitting on the side of the sidewalk with the ice cream Gabriela bought as a gift for their fifth anniversary. A memory that she could never let go of until this day.

"Later if I'm successful and have a lot of money, I'll take you to a nice apartment, G. One with an AC. So you won't get a cold anymore from turning on the fan all the time. I'll find a place with a steady water supply so you won't have to wait for our water to fill up every night. I'll provide all the food you like in the fridge, so you won't have to count our expenses worriedly like usual. I'll provide whatever you want, just for you. Do you understand?"

"Oh, what's this? So dramatic. Just live in the moment as long as we're still together, Al. As long as I'm with you, I'm fine."

"Oh, G.. G. That's a big example of my love for you. Be a little bit sweet to me for once. I'm thinking about our future here, you know. Lucky you're so pretty to be the girlfriend of Rama Alkiantara."

Gabriela fell silent. Her eyes teared up until a single drop fell and unintentionally brought other tears with it until she realized her face was full of crying.

"I got an invitation from Rama, Ge.. I thought it was for him and you, but it's for someone else. You don't know that Rama is getting married?"

Gabriela laughed. Her laughter was so fragile. She could still feel the remnants of the disappointment she had felt when she heard the sudden news this afternoon. Gabriela took her hand off the small object that had taken her on a journey through such big memories. Letting go and choosing to hug herself tightly.

"I always believed that you and Rama would have a happy ending in the end, Gabriela. I... I'm sorry if my information just now bothered you over there, Ge."

She and Rama might not have been as sweet as other couples out there. Their relationship seemed relaxed; the two of them were like peers who didn't often show affection in front of others. But everyone knew that they complemented each other. They took care of each other. They understood each other. So much so that everyone who knew them both believed that Rama and Gabriela would end up happy as the campus's legendary couple a few years later. Maybe after they were done with the complexities of their lives.

In reality, the news today not only surprised the people who were once so envious of Rama and Gabriela's campus romance, but also Gabriela herself.

"I don't want to be stupid like the girl in that movie, G. If I love someone, I'll keep fighting for it."

A faint voice from her computer echoed in the quiet room. On the monitor, Rama's face, dark because the surrounding lights were off, filled the screen.

"If I love someone, if you disappear from my life like that guy, I'll chase you wherever you go, G. I swear. It would really break my heart if you ended up marrying someone else, even though I've always been with you during these difficult times, after all these years of fighting for our dreams together. I think I'd come and mess up everything you've arranged with your future spouse, you know?"

Gabriela's laughter sounded along with his afterward.

"So what if you're the one who ends up marrying someone else and leaves me? What should I do? Should I ruin your wedding, huh?"

"Yeah, why not? I'd be totally fine with that."

Gabriela glanced at the monitor. Looking through her red-rimmed eyes with a bitter smile and a heavy sigh.

"I wouldn't."

"I wouldn't." they said at the same time.

"I won't ruin your happiness, Al."

"I won't ruin your happiness, Al."

"If you've already chosen someone else, I'll also be happy for you."

"That's how great my love is for you. Do you understand?"

Tingg.

A message that came into her email made Gabriela sit up straight and quickly wipe away the remaining tears. She moved her cursor back to an incoming message that she thought was from her younger sibling about her ticket order to return to Indonesia.

Hey, G.

But the message came from someone Gabriela never thought would reach her after 664 days of letting go of each other's shadows. A message that made Gabriela firm her heart to accept everything. To accept that it was most likely this was the path they were meant to take.

After all, life has its own direction.

Life has the best path that will guide our steps forward. And this path is perhaps the best after Gabriela had questioned it for hundreds and hundreds of days.

Is this fitting? Is this worthy?

It turns out the answer is... yes.

Rama looks happy and he will surely be happy forever with the choice he has made.

Rama has always been that way, full of plans and visions for his future that Gabriela could never have.

Gabriela lives in the present and the past, while Rama will always look forward. Far... far ahead.

Perhaps this time, Gabriela is no longer in Rama's vision of the future. Rama's plans have long not been filled by Gabriela. So Gabriela must also respect that.

So at this moment, Gabriela herself must pick herself up.

Begin to tidy up herself and her own feelings with a firm heart, even if it hurts.

Just like her firmness when she collected all the books that they had scribbled on together. Like she started collecting one by one the photos stored in the drawer, as well as the most memorable items that were never out of her sight, to put into the cardboard box she had prepared on the way home today.

Slowly but surely, she began to tidy up her computer files by pressing the delete key with confidence.

Also... perhaps by beginning to prepare herself to show up in front of Rama and his partner when their wedding day comes two weeks from now.

Congrats, Rama! I'll be there as your bridesmaid! Xoxo.

In the The Netherlands travel guide that Gabriela found while tidying her things, she also found an old calendar that had one of its dates colored with a red marker along with two flight ticket booking confirmations that Gabriela had prepared far in advance.

June 27, 2023. Happy 6th Anniversary! Let's go on a trip to the Netherlands in September, okay!

Which, unfortunately, never reached its intended recipient because they had let go of each other before the future plans that Gabriela had considered for the first time in her life could be realized.

Gabriela threw all those memories into the cardboard box and closed it tightly. Trying to never look inside it again in the future. Although Gabriela herself was not sure that with or without that man... her life could still walk on the same path as before, walk the way it was before they knew each other.

Even though Gabriela was not sure... that she could still be happy and not lose herself without the presence of that man beside her forever.

Hey, G.

This is Rama.

It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? It’s been so long since we last talked. I know you must be busy there with all your university assignments and work. I’m also a bit busy here.

By the way, is your cafe with Billa getting really big now? I think I went past there a few days ago while I was trying to find my wedding cake.

Yeah, G. I’m getting married in two weeks to someone I met while I was on my work trip in Lombok six months ago. This one is a really great woman. She helped me a lot to get me back on my feet after all the problems I was facing at home after you left.

Honestly, that time was the most devastating because I didn’t have anyone to share my burdens with. But now everything is slowly getting better and I hope the same for you too, G.

You’re doing alright, right?

You must be doing well. I know Gabriela Catelina can always sort herself out no matter what life throws at her. You’ve always been stronger than me. You’ve always been better at handling things than me.

I know you’ve blocked me on all social media and all of my phone numbers, G. I found this email address because I accidentally saw an ad for your company in Sydney. If this reaches you, I wanted to let you know about my happy day, G.

I’ve attached the invitation here.

If you have time and if you don’t mind... You’re welcome to come to my wedding.

But I won’t pressure you, G. You can come as whoever you want to be.

— Rama Alkiantara.