What if I wasn't done loving you?

Coming back only to leave again.

Gabriela never expected that after five years of running from Rama, today she would return to the man of her own accord. After trying so hard to get rid of him from her memory. After struggling. After organizing the remains of the mess that she had a hard time tending to all this time. She returned again, so foolishly.

"Gabriela. This is Rama's Mom. Could you help me, Ge?"

A voice Gabriela had not heard for five years. A voice Gabriela never thought would come to her again after the wedding party of Rama and his wife, was now reconnecting with her. So desperate. So heartbreaking for a Gabriela who had never felt family affection other than from Rama Alkiantara's mother, her ex-boyfriend.

"Kaela passed away two weeks ago, Ge. Mom knows she doesn't deserve to contact you like this. You must be living a comfortable life now. But Rama... he lost himself after Kaela's funeral, Ge. Bhumi and Gaia still need their Dad. Could you help Mom talk to Rama, Ge? After so many people Mom has called... Rama is still holed up in his room. Gaia is still a newborn, Mom doesn't know what to do when she cries looking for her Dad."

So here was Gabriela, in front of Rama's room, in his house with his late wife. A house that looked simple and cozy, filled with ivory shades, so perfect for a warm, small family to live in.

In the house that was filled with Kaela's memories, Gabriela shed all the defenses she had tried so hard to build. When she clearly heard the small baby named Gaia, born just two weeks ago, crying for someone who was holed up in his room. When she saw how helpless the four-year-old boy named Bhumi was, finally falling asleep on a soft sofa next to Billa, Gabriela and Rama's best friend.

When Gabriela first arrived at this house in her car, her friends were already waiting impatiently in front of Rama's house.

There were Naura, Lilian, Billa, Fabian, Luke, and Bintang, whom Gabriela had not seen in a long time. They looked at her with relief and worry. Also little Bhumi, who always sat far away, avoiding everyone after his mom left the world. Gabriela looked at him with concern. No one could persuade the child, not even his own grandmother. No one... except Gabriela, who managed to coax him out of his silence after she arrived at the house.

"You're Bhumi, right? What if later Aunty gets Dad to come out of the room for Bhumi? But Bhumi has to promise to listen to Aunty and Grandma, okay?" Gabriela's simple words slightly piqued Bhumi's interest. His eyes seemed to glance at someone after a long time of avoiding everyone.

Earlier, Gabriela was the only one who could follow Bhumi's steps, following the little boy wherever he went, which was strangely accepted with an open heart by the four-year-old. Until finally Bhumi fell asleep peacefully, next to his toys on the floor, in Gabriela's embrace as she stared thoughtfully at the ceiling while her hand gently patted Bhumi's back.

Maybe Bhumi could be easily won over by Gabriela because the woman understood his way of thinking. Maybe because she was the only one who had ever been in the same position in this house. Losing her mother since childhood while her father was unable to take care of her and her younger sibling, Gilang. So Gabriela could easily win Bhumi's attention, with her fumbling knowledge about a small child.

But what about Rama in there?

Gabriela immediately hesitated.

No one here understood how to lose a beloved partner forever except Rama. No one knew the man's feelings and how to handle them except for himself.

Gabriela hesitated. She stood for a very long time holding the doorknob until Naura brought her back with a tap on her shoulder and a nod.

Gabriela let out a long breath. She nodded slowly before entering the room with all her feelings collected in one place.

Entering the private space of someone whom Gabriela seemed to still love. Into the private space of the man and his late wife who clearly loved each other.

"I wasn't sure whether I should be here or not," Gabriela said for the first time after standing for a long time staring at the fragile back of the man who used to be so strong when he walked in front of her. The man was now lying with his back to her on the bed. "And... it's also not ethical for me to come in here, Ram."

Gabriela sighed. She suddenly became impatient.

"But this behavior of yours is what made me have to come, you know?"

"I don't care if you don't feel sorry for my feelings. But think about your children's feelings, can't you?"

Rama, who heard the familiar voice, turned with a pale face. He looked at Gabriela's presence with a disbelieving frown.

"Do you want to make your children live a life like mine, huh, Rama Alkiantara?"

Their eyes met. There was so much emotion there that Rama turned his gaze away and a tear fell down his cheek.

"Mom... brought you here?" the man's hoarse voice sounded.

Gabriela couldn't bear to see it. She turned her gaze elsewhere.

"None of your business." Swallowing with difficulty, Gabriela calmly tried to regulate her breathing and the tightness in her own heart before speaking again. "I hope you come to your senses now before your children are neglected and become crazy like me and Gilang. Get out and face the reality in front of your eyes, Rama. I know Kaela was everything to you, but there's still Bhumi and Gaia you need to take care of now."

"No one is asking you to forget her. Your love for her doesn't have to go away—she can live with you forever. In your memory for as long as you want." Gabriela looked at Rama with a pained smile. "Her presence may be gone. You might never be able to hold her again. But she's still in your heart... that's normal, Rama."

Rama suddenly cried for no clear reason. This time he was the one avoiding Gabriela's face that he hadn't seen in so long. So long.

"So I hope... I hope you can get back on your feet. I hope you can be a better father than my dad was for Bhumi and Gaia." Gabriela laughed a little. "Because that... that's what you've always wanted, right? To be a good father to your children."

Gabriela bit the inside of her cheek, bowing her head.

"Please don't disappoint my perfect image of this one hope of yours, Ram. Because I really want to see how you can complete the lives of Bhumi and Gaia. So that their souls aren't shattered like ours."

It seemed to take long enough. Long enough for all of them to wait for Rama to come out of the cave that had been holding him captive. Even when one by one their friends excused themselves to deal with their own matters and only Billa and Naura remained, who had been given permission by their respective families. Rama still hadn't come out. Until night finally came and they sat relaxed in front of the family room, playing children's shows on the television with adult minds that were too full.

"Dad!" Bhumi's shout startled the four adults and made them realize that the person they had been waiting for had finally arrived with a pale face and a weary body.

Billa and Naura smiled happily. Rama's birth mother was already crying with gratitude. While Gabriela only stared blankly at all the emotions flowing before turning her attention back to the lit television screen amidst the dim yellow light, the gloom covering her true expression.

Letting Bhumi be hugged tightly by his father. Letting all of them be happy by his side.

Without Gabriela herself knowing... that the figure who was now hugging his son tightly with repeated kisses had not stopped looking at the back that was still faithfully covered in a thick leather jacket. At the figure who was always ready to leave at any time after all her business was done.

Noticing the only presence that was indifferent to Rama's return to everyone with great gratitude.