TO KILL IS TO SERVE

Chapter 34: THSD

As per Kiken’s information, Schattens from Töten heißt im Schatten dienen (THSD) that means “to kill is to serve in shadows” are assassins who work under the darker moon for they kill not just ordinary people, but their own? That is f*****g twisted but understandable. I nodded to myself. If an assassin were to be killed, that would be the best judgment he would receive for being an assassin. But I don’t want a f*****g hitman to end my life, that’s hypocrisy. And how come I’ve never heard of this from Dad? I furrowed my brows and scratched my nape. “How come that Dad never mentioned this?” I asked and held my chin. And f**k, she got me interested into diving into this conversation. I didn’t mention it out loud but I am aware that I f****d up.

Kiken chuckled, “Because you’re not from THSD. Only those in THSD shall know of this secret organization under THD. Even a Schatten isn’t aware of his own associate from THSD. It’s so warped; I’m getting turned on by how smart Love-san is.” She bit her lower lip and sighed through her nose while beaming.

That was the most disgusting facial expression of her that I’ve never seen before.

“Anyway, Rei-kun,” She called me again. She’s been calling me Rei-kun ever since we’ve met two years ago and she required me to call her Akumu-san when we were together—but since there’s nothing in between us anymore, I’ve decided to let that shallow thing go.

“What?” I raised my brows as I ask.

Kiken’s teasing expression became soft and I suddenly recognized her—the soft her. What the f**k is this? I desisted to make any reaction from what she did. She will only make fun of me out of that.

“Rei-kun, why don’t we get together again?”

I clenched my jaws as soon as I’ve heard the question coming from her. Everything registered right away and my body adjusted too fast that I cannot believe it. I unintentionally but instinctively scoffed and grinned at what she said, “You’re the one who told me to not be afraid to betray those who weren’t healthy for me, right, Akumu-san?” Kiken’s eyes widened for a second but her face ceased to make any more expressions. That is right. What I am feeling right now is nothing but pure yearning for the past since she was the first person who told me I am not a monster. I don’t intend to associate with her again. And I know I am not a monster. I am a f*****g assassin. “So you can properly call me Judas from now—”

“Is this because of Alora Shyrie Weller, your 19-year old target?” My ears stung when she uttered Alora’s name. Okay, f**k that dealer twin brother of hers who most certainly provided her that private information. But I remained composed. This is the first time in forever that she ever cut me off while I’m talking and it’s pissing me more than ever. “I hope you’re aware that you cannot abandon your job for that nonsense, right?”

You are the nonsense one. I glared at her to focus myself in constructing the right argument. “Alora is innocent. The one that I will assassinate is my client. I would be letting off of her after I fix everything.” I responded in confidence.

“Are you aware?” But she brought her question back. I stayed silent and remained stiff on my seat. I cannot respond in the way that won’t bring her to suspicion. “You know very well that being an assassin is your salvation, ne, Rei-sun-kun?” Her Japanese intonation just mixed with her English phrase as her dark eyes consume me into staring deeper.

I heaved an exhale and gritted my teeth to prevent myself from punching a f*****g woman. I know. I know very well, that is why I am doing something about this crappy setup. Maybe I’ve talked too much about myself before so she’s using those information back to me. Being in a relationship is like buying yourself a double-edged sword. It’s inconvenient.

Kiken stood up and picked up her bag. I did not lend her a glimpse but she leaned in close to my ear, “Rei-kun, remember that you will die if you were to stop your bloodlust.” She whispered and left me behind.

I f*****g know. I am aware that my bloodlust is the only thing that’s making me alive and kicking right now. If I were to function in a day without my bloodlust, all the mental strain and psychological toll I have been keeping within me for seven years will definitely kick in. I will die of overload, of anxiety, of burden, and of fright. I used to not care about every target’s blood that has stained my hands but if the day that I will stop thinking about my bloodlust; my seven years of guilt and remorse will shower upon me beyond doubt. That, I cannot allow. I better live my life of bloodthirstiness instead of dying because of guilt complex. That is the most f*****g way to die for an assassin.

But why do I have to think about this now? Do I have a f*****g plan to resist my bloodlust? No freaking way, Reisun. No.