Playground 51 - A Magic School USA Story

In the coldest place on Earth, untouched by human footsteps for millennia, stands a headquarters. Here, the descendants of the fallen angels gather for a meeting. RU'INKTA Silence! Silence! What is all the excitement about? VOOOKIMA Who wouldn't be excited? The news is so thrilling! RU'INKTA News from where? ARGO-B-45556 Neo-Babylon, of course. Hollywood, America. RU'INKTA Hmm? How goes it? ARGO-B-45556 Well, the Gregory show has just celebrated its 40 millionth relationship destroyed! Gasps of amazement sounded throughout the room. Excited whispers, then cheers as the fallen ones begin to clap at the fantastic news. RU'INKTA That is impressive! The show has only been on for 10 years. DAKI It's taken the Jerry Springer Show nearly 30 years to reach those kinds of numbers! RU'INKTA We must document the success so we can replicate it. America was one of our most formidable opponents, but thanks to their media and Hollywood, they are all but destroyed! And they will soon take the rest of the world with them! AHAHAHA! RU'INKTA What do you suppose is attributed to the great success of this show? ARGO-B-45556 Well, there are the superficial things. A likable, grandfatherly host. A well-decorated TV set. ARGO-B-45556 But let's be real. The wow factor is the "Paternity Test." This has done more to destroy the trust between men and women than anything on the planet! ARGO-B-45556 The men look like irresponsible losers who hate children and use women. They could never be trusted to lead a household. And the women look like untrustworthy w****s who will trap a man with a baby that isn't his. Both sides look awful and ridiculous. They both fall from the image of the loving creator into a demonic being, like us! RU'INKTA Fantastic! We must replicate this show as much as we can. Also, don't forget the cheating, scandals, and liars. We must put the fear of love and relationships into all humans, so that their fears are center stage at all times, not their dreams! Blend this in with the Paternity test so it seems less obvious. And make sure all episodes of the Gregory show are free online, so anyone can access them at any time. ARGO-B-45556 Right! RU'INKTA This is a nice start, but how goes it on all the other fronts? VOOOKIMA Quite well, your magistrate. We have the Americans fighting and hating each other on all fronts. Marriage rates are down, and men and women don't trust each other at all. And even friendships are down. This is the loneliest generation on record. The humans are divided on almost everything—race, religion, economics, politics, child-rearing. We even have vegans fighting the meat-eaters! And the Baby boomers, versus all the generations that preceded them. The humans are a cesspool of hatred and discontent with each other! RU'INKTA FANTASTIC! YES! It's been the perfect plan. Use Television and now the internet to plant distrust and hatred within the human race. RU'INKTA To think, "The Great Power" thought these ridiculous humans would be loving like him. Hahaha! No, they are just as selfish and self-centered as the great power claims WE are. He cast us out of heaven for their sake? We will destroy these worthless humans and do it in the MOST entertaining way possible. Using the human's own creativity against them. AHAHAHA! VOOOKIMA Speaking of entertainment, the Gregory show is about to begin. Would you like to watch the chaos and see for yourself? RU'INKTA Why, Yes. I would! Let's see how this most glorious weapon of evil functions! RU'INKTA Pass me the remote... He gets handed the remote and clicks it with a devious smile. The scene goes BLACK. And then.... INT. THE GREGORY SHOW — ON T.V. The set of the TV talk show "GREGORY" lights up with an upbeat musical number. We see a smiling GREGORY, 50s, salt and pepper hair, sitting on stage holding a manila envelope in his hands. GREGORY Okay! Our next guest is Jasmine. She's been sleeping with her husband's brother and is here to prove that he's the father of her 18-month-old daughter, Pixieyeayah! Sitting in a chair beside Gregory, JASMINE, white, 24, gets animated and starts "telling it like it is" to the audience. JASMINE Yeah, that's right! Rahbeem's a deadbeat! He needs to take care of our baby! The large monitor TV screen behind Gregory displays a plump baby girl. JASMINE Yeah! That's her! That's my baby, look at 'er! Ain't she beautiful? Gregory is still smiling brightly as he turns back around. GREGORY Oooh, she's fat! Jasmine frowns. GREGORY Let's bring out the man who might be the father of Fat Pat! JASMINE Her name is PIXIEYEAYAH– GREGORY FAT PAT! Rahbeem Roth, come on out here and let's see if you are the father! RAHBEEM ROTH, an overweight 25-year-old Black man, struts out. The audience starts booing and jeering. Jasmine is on her feet, heckling him as soon as he appears. JASMINE BOOO!! That's right, BOOO! Take care a yo' baby! RAHBEEM Booooo to you too! That ain't my baby! Look at that baby! He angrily points at the monitor. RAHBEEM She doesn't look anything like me! JASMINE What you mean, that ain't your baby? Look how big her ass is! Who I had that BIG ASS baby with, if not YOU? RAHBEEM See, what y'all don't know is Jasmine comes from a whole family of PAGAN WITCHES. SFX: The audience "ohhh's." GREGORY (Looks mystified) Pagan witches? RAHBEEM Yeah! They into all kinds of dark magic, voodoo stuff! They all Spiritual-ist! JASMINE Why spirits gonna make my baby fat like that? That's your GENES that made her fat! Spirits of yo' fat ass DNA cells! Jasmine and Rahbeem start arguing angrily in each other's faces. The audience continues to laugh and yell, fully entertained by this. JASMINE If I know witchcraft, why yo' ass ain't a chicken right now? Huh? Why you ain't a six-piece? RAHBEEM All you do is think about food. That's why that baby's so big! Look at 'er. LOOK! She's trying to eat the little giraffes on her baby clothes! The baby is on the screen, chewing on the little giraffe print on her baby shirt. Gregory finally stops laughing and holds up the envelope. GREGORY I have the results of the paternity test right here! The audience starts clapping and cheering with anticipation. Gregory opens the envelope with the results of the paternity test. Jasmine and Rahbeem keep yelling at each other. RAHBEEM Paternity test? You need to test that baby's cholesterol. Jasmine be trying to fry her baby food! JASMINE You havin' another one of your delirious dreams. A psychotic fit! Gregory pulls the sheet of paper from the envelope and begins to read it. GREGORY Rahbeem... SFX: Drum Roll. GREGORY You are the father! Rahbeem jumps up and spins around angrily. RAHBEEM DAMN IT! Jasmine jumps up and starts cheering and getting in his face. JASMINE Woooo!!! I told you!! I TOLD YOU!! RAHBEEM Well, I-if I'm the father then— RAHBEEM (A beat) YOU GONNA STOP FEEDING THAT BABY FRIED PLANTAINS! Jasmine and Rahbeem are both standing up, getting in each other's faces again. Jasmine pushes him and dares him to hit her back. She takes a fighting stance, like she's going to fight him like a man. Rahbeem stays put and continues reprimanding Jasmine for feeding his 18-month-old daughter bacon burgers and Jalapeño cheese fries. The audience applauds and jeers. And Gregory sits there, looking very satisfied to have completely debased the human race just a little bit more today. And as Gregory continues a somewhat sinister-sounding laugh, the scene switches off just like a TV set. And there's a stalling darkness. END SCENE