Love, Lost & Found

She wiped the traitorous tears from her eyes, but couldn’t stop the constant stream plaguing her. Two of her kids were in the car with her. The youngest girl in the backseat. While the middle girl was seated next to her in the passenger seat. They were keeping themselves busy, thankfully, with their electronics. Sitting them together usually caused inevitable fighting and she wasn’t sure if she could handle the bickering today with such a long drive ahead of them. She had been following her husband and son who were in the Uhaul. It was almost time to stop driving for a bite to eat. She wasn’t very hungry due to the deep sense of despair she felt growing inside of her. But she knew she would have to make herself eat anyway. She loathed driving but they couldn't afford the extra money for the trailer. Plus the Uhaul only sat three people and there were five of them. Despite everything she was doing her best not to let the kids see her cry. Separating right before moving away from home wasn’t ideal. They had been just shy of eighteen years together, two weeks off in fact; fifteen years married. Knowing the reason for the split was almost entirely her fault did nothing to slow the tears as they leaked out. No matter how hard she tried to distract herself from everything with music, the sadness came in waves. But she had to remain positive for the kids, even though her life felt like it was crumbling all around her. At times she wished the earth would open open and swallow her whole, if only to end her suffering. But that was impossible. There was no end in sight. There was nothing she could do to stop the trajectory of her life right now. It was already in motion. Like a runaway train off the tracks. Nobody besides her husband, who was also her best friend, knew how much she was struggling mentally. Nor was she willing to open up about it, though her family tried to pry it out of her many times. She refused to talk about it. Letting him go, hell letting the idea of them go, was the single hardest thing she had ever done. Even though that’s what he wanted, to separate, she wasn’t sure if she could actually go through with it. Regret washed over her once more as she replayed and punished herself for all her past mistakes. Her phone’s text notification interrupted her chain of self-loathing that filled her thoughts. It was him. The love of her life. Telling her to take the next exit to get food, refuel and use the facilities. She sucked it up and wiped her face the best she could, plastered a small smile on her face and took the exit. It was hard to believe this is what her life had become. Losing the person she always thought to be her soulmate to another woman. It wasn’t like he cheated. They communicated about it before he started dating her. In his eyes their love story wasn’t over, but when they opened up their marriage he fell in love with someone else. It was only then he admitted to losing romantic feelings for her years ago. He sacrificed parts of himself so she could be happy. Endured pain silently without letting her in on the burden of it. All because she wanted them to explore together, thinking they could both have fun and still stay together. She was naive and stupid and she knew it. Bitterly she shook her head as she pulled into the parking spot beside him. How was she supposed to do this? After everything she had done, she felt like she owed him the chance to be happy. She pulled into the parking spot next to the Uhaul and got her girls out. When they separated, he cupped her cheeks between his hands and said he loved her, she was his best friend and that he couldn’t do it without her. He said he couldn’t imagine life without her. Her heart strings pulled, she said yes. There was always the hope he’d come back that drove her forward into the s**t storm of what life had become. They both realized when they tried new things that they were monogamous. But by then it was too late. He was in love and they were moving halfway across the country. Yes she could have stayed behind. It would have been harder on the kids not having one of them around all the time, but she couldn’t bear to let other people see her hurt. So she moved her whole life to be by his side so to speak. To support him. He’d always be the one who got away for her, but who was she to stand in the way of him being happy if he truly thought their love story was done? He opened the door for her, smiling sadly. She couldn’t even manage a weak smile though. She had wracked her brain on ways to get him to want her back, done everything she could think of, begged even to no avail. He was set on moving forward, not back, and she couldn’t hardly blame him. But it hurt terribly all the same. He kept telling her she’d find someone too. Maybe someone better than him to make her happy. She didn’t hold out much hope for that. After all, if she couldn’t make it work with someone she considered her soulmate, what hope did she have for a normal relationship? Or for one better? Maybe that was it for her. Her epic love story. Anything below that level seemed less desirable after all that. She had never believed in being with someone forever until she lost him. Suddenly all she could focus on was that she wasn’t good enough to keep. She shook her head, trying to clear the negative thoughts, but she could feel the depression seeping in. It crept through her like shadows in the night, filling her up with dread and numbing her. They ordered their food and sat down together as a family to wait. She couldn’t look at him, though he tried to catch her attention a time or two. If she looked at him she’d burst into tears. It was better to put up walls. Easier. But he reached for and grabbed her hand, his thumb rubbing the back of her hand. The tears started rolling down her face silently and she hid her face, her shoulder shaking in her efforts to hold back her sobs. Her heart was breaking and she couldn’t even hate him for leaving. He softly said he loved her and she whispered it back, then excused herself to the restroom to wash her face and regain her sanity. Looking at herself in the mirror she was nearly unrecognizable. Her face was swollen and splotchy, eyes puffy and nose red. When her eyes met her mirror versions, she burst into tears once more, this time not so silently. Her cries were raw and unbroken, a sort of hoarse wailing sound escaping her. She gave in a moment or two and then stifled it, shoved it away and washed her face. Her kids couldn’t see her losing her mind. The bathroom door opened and she hurried into a stall to blow her nose. After she finished, she took a few deep breaths to calm herself, then got up to go pretend she was okay again. Her kids knew she was sad, but didn’t understand why. They had tried to explain, but they were young and didn’t quite grasp it yet. K kept telling her she’d be okay, it would all be okay given time, but she didn’t believe him. Right now she was in the worst emotional pain she’d ever been in her whole life. She didn’t know how she was going to survive this, get through it. She only knew that she didn’t have a choice. They had kids to raise and she couldn’t just shut down or let herself lay in bed all day doing nothing. Just because she was suffering, didn’t mean they had to as well. She’d do her best to keep things as normal as possible, even though she felt like she was dying inside. What other choice did she have? As she walked back to the table, she saw the food and drinks were already there. The kids were enjoying it, smiling and chattering away with their dad. She sat and ate, not looking up once at him. She wasn’t mad, she just couldn’t control her tears every time she looked at him. It wasn’t worth ruining the trip for the kids over it. Better to keep her eyes on her food and to herself. When they were done eating, they all walked outside together. The kids argued over who was in the Uhaul this time versus the car and he grabbed her hand again. She looked up at him, determined not to cry. He hugged her tight, telling her thank you and that he loved her so much. Sobs broke out again, she couldn’t help it. She knew he was trying to show her appreciation and reassure her, but even his kind gestures and words hurt. Because he was choosing someone else. She was no longer his person and the idea of that hurt so damn much she couldn’t fathom it. He held her tight, rubbing her back until her tears slowed. He brushed them off her cheek and squeezed her hand. His smile was sadder this time, his eyes brimmed with unshed tears. He asked if she was ready to get back on the road, she nodded and they got back into their vehicles to get gas and finish the second half of the trip. Six and a half hours in the car with kids felt like an eternity. Or half an eternity in this case. She cried once more when they passed the sign saying Welcome to North Dakota, silently of course.