The Monster Within Me

Chapter 8

Maya

It's been a couple days since the incident. I had awoken the next day and gone looking for Quinn for answers, but he had been so busy that I hadn't been able to even find him until late afternoon and by then, I had been introduced to some of the other wolves around my age by Skald Ylva. I had explained my situation to her after I had wandered into the library by accident. She had been shocked and told me that mingling with others my age will help and she was right.

Gabby and Melanie were very welcoming and had taken the initiative to help me learn the basic self-defense that all the wolves learned in order to have some form of defense. They had told me that when I go through my first shift, they'd also help me learn the basics in my wolf form as well. Everyone in the pack had been welcoming and nice, I can't even imagine the monsters that some of the fanatics complain about, but there are good and bad people and wolves everywhere. Nobody deserves to be judged outright.

When I called my parents the next day, they hadn't even noticed that I had stayed the night somewhere else. I know they're busy, but it hurts to know that even when I'd almost been almost kidnapped or killed, they wouldn't have known or noticed until a few days had gone by. I don't blame them entirely, I know my younger siblings require more attention than I do, but I was at least hoping they would have been alarmed when they found out I had been somewhere else.

It was no trouble when Quinn had asked me to stay on pack territory until they could get a better handle on the situation. I just had to tell them I was going to a camp for 2 weeks so they wouldn't look for me. I had told Nelle everything and she had insisted on coming to see me the first day. After she had deemed the pack "worthy" she was okay as long as I called her every night to tell her I was doing okay. She had also graciously explained to Malcolm, my boss, bits and pieces of what had happened to me and that I was staying with a family member while I recovered.

Right now, I am sitting under the shade of a picnic shelter with Gabby and Melanie as we watch the newly recruited enforcers train. Most of them are the young boys who have recently come of age and boy are they something to look at. Gabby had already mated with one of the new recruits named Gareth, and although Melanie had yet to find her mate, she had been seeing a wolf named Marco for some time that she seemed pretty fond of. They have introduced me to them over the last couple days and although they are every bit the warriors they are training to be, they are still not battle-hardened enough to lose their fun and light-hearted spirits.

Watching them now, they are getting a special instruction from Quinn, who I have come to learn is like a crazy amazing enforcer who is basically royalty. He was sent here at the request of Alpha Fen for help, personally chosen by the Alpha of Alpha's, pretty big deal. It filled me with pride to know that we had shared an intimate moment in the early days of his arrival, but since then we have barely spoken, aside from the night he saved me and I had not been very conversational for obvious reasons.

Quinn takes them through the motions of learning to shift on the fly and focusing so that they don't shred their clothes when they do. If they can master this, then they won't have to worry about either having to strip or being nude when they shift back. However, after being around here, I can see that nudity wasn't something that bothered anyone; they understood the need for it and never judged each other. Some of them are succeeding, most struggling, their spare clothes nearby but not once does anyone belittle their peers. There is honest teasing, but nothing that would make anyone feel lesser than the other. 

Did I mention that he was also shirtless and looking delicious? Because there was that too.

Quinn is ever patient with them, calmly speaking to those who are in wolf form and coaxing them to focus while they shift back to keep the clothes intact or encouraging them to try again. It is this kindness that stirs Kaia.

Are you ready Maya? These wolves have shown us kindness and I would like to finally be seen. Go now, while Quinn is still watching.

I freeze, shocked that she is ready so soon. I had thought it would take more time spent with these wolves and in reality, I was scared. Gabby and Melanie had explained that it is so painful the first few times, but that the pain is soon replaced with the joy and freedom of being in their wolf form. I was also shocked that she cared that Quinn saw. She had felt my hurt that we had been kind of snubbed since we had been together and had sulked along with me. My shock apparently shows because Gabby and Melanie take notice and ask me what is wrong.

"It's Kaia... She wants to try shifting. Like right now." I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

Gabby and Mel squeal with joy beside me while, although I am excited, I am also beyond scared of what Kaia is asking me to do.

"Well?! Come on Maya! Let's go before you lose your nerve!" Gabby exclaims beside me.

"Oh please Maya! I'll get Skald Ylva, the Alpha and the healer!" Mel says, getting up and running in the direction of the packhouse.

"s**t, you guys aren't really giving me much of a choice now are you?" I say with a shaky laugh.

The commotion has drawn attention to us, as I can see the training has concluded and Gareth, Marco, and Quinn are all making their way over to our table. Questions are on all their faces, and some of those still gathering their things before they leave. As they reach us, Gareth takes his seat beside his mate, draping his arm over Gabby's shoulders, Marco sits on the table and Quinn remains standing, beside me.

"What's with all the squealing Gabs? I thought you and Mel were gonna ruin my eardrums." He says with a laugh, giving her a kiss on her forehead as she nestles ever closer to him. The men beside him nodding their heads in agreement with his statement.

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Just that my girl Maya over here just got told by her wolf that she is trusting enough of our pack and wants to try shifting... Like NOW!" Gabby squeals again clapping her hands with her growing excitement. Well, at least someone was excited, I think I'm gonna vomit. The guys all freeze, absorbing what Gabby says. When their spell breaks there is a round of cheers and congratulations from them and Marco even goes so far as to hug me. Quinn, although smiling and clapping like the rest, made no move to hug me, which annoyingly bothered me more than I wanted.

"I'm glad everyone is so excited, I'm scared shitless and Kaia wants this to happen like right now," I say, folding in on myself and holding my arms across my middle as I try to prevent a panic attack.

"Aww come on Maya! It's only painful in the beginning, the faster you get over this, the better it will be later" Marco assures me with a warm smile. I admit he's probably right, considering he has already gone through this. Unlike him though, I didn't have all day to get myself ready for this and it was freaking me out.

"I think I need some air," I said rising up from my seat to try to take a walk.

"You're outside Maya, you're surrounded by air," Gabby says with a small laugh. I'm glad she can find humor in this.

"Yea well, my heart rate begs to differ. I just need a sec guys." I say walking away from them before they protest too adamantly.

I get a fair bit of distance between us before I stop and take a seat by a tree, leaning back I allow my eyes to shut as I try to catch my breath.

Calm down. You are strong and we still have so much work to do. This is important for both of us.

I'm about to argue with Kaia when I feel him beside me. I hadn't even heard him approach, his movements stealthier than a jungle cat. I slowly turn my head towards him as I let out a breath I hadn't even known I was holding. He was just looking at me, worry etching his brows and pooling in his eyes as he stood before me.

He sits down beside me and I notice that he is careful to leave ample space between us. God, did I smell or something?

"Are you okay? You really freaked out back there." He says gently

I take a deep breath before responding, "I'm scared out of my mind Quinn. I know every one of you guys is happy for me, and I'm excited somewhere underneath my fear but I didn't grow up thinking and preparing for this. I've had maybe 2 and a half weeks? None of this s**t is normal for me yet. I'm afraid of the pain and everything that comes with accepting this side of myself. It's still unfamiliar to me and everyone has been trying to help me feel comfortable and I'm super grateful for that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm new to this where others my age are basically veterans. I feel undereducated and out of place most of the time, my fear and anxiety out of control because of all the changes that have happened to me since you almost ran me over," I smile as the memory seems so distant with the fast pace that things have continued to occur since then, "And then, in a couple weeks I'll be 18 and this whole mate s**t will start and it'll probably stress me out too. and I'm rambling now because I can't shut my brain off." I sigh loudly, letting my head fall forward in my hands while I work to sort my thoughts out. 

I feel him move closer to me and stiffen when he drapes his arm around my shoulders, "I should have been around more to help you. To answer your questions and comfort you, but this threat has escalated so quickly and I've been in the thick of everything. My wolf had been angry at me for not being there that night to ensure that you had been safe and at home. He's been giving me a hard time about me not talking to you that much either." He said, scratching his head like he was having trouble getting his words out.

"You've been super busy with things that are far more important and that need your immediate attention, I get it. You're working and I was an unexpected and inconvenient add-on to your work detail." I said with a small smile to hide the hurt I felt at the words even if they were true.

"No Maya, I am here working yes, but I stayed away from you in an effort to force myself and my wolf to focus on something other than you. You have taken up a residence in my head and although my wolf had no issues giving you that space, but me? I was scared of that feeling." He said looking at me. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't even completely sure I was breathing to be quite honest with you. I was too busy freaking out internally at hearing those words, he hadn't been avoiding me for any negative reasoning and if I wasn't mistaken it sounded like he was pretty fond of me. I was trying not to get a big head about it. 

I found myself smiling at him, and although initially, he seemed stunned,  he smiled back. A smile full of emotions that I couldn't quite place. Quinn, a super important royal wolf enforcer was getting mushy with me and it was making both Kaia and me very happy. Is this how I would feel when I finally mated with a wolf? Was it possible that he was mine? Not like I knew what to look for or be able to sense anything until my birthday in just under 2 weeks.

My smile faltered, and he could see the uncertainty in my face. I recovered quickly and shot him my best smile, hoping I sounded more confident than I looked, "Okay scardy, I think I can do this. Just promise me that you'll stay with me, okay?"

He smiled kindly, "I wouldn't have left you even if you hadn't asked."

He stood and helped me to my feet and we made our way back towards our little group. Gabby explained that Mel and the others were waiting for us in the tactical facility. It was quieter there and would keep her wolf from feeling threatened by having too many people witness her in a vulnerable state. As we made our way there, I was trying to keep my breathing from becoming erratic and from the thought of the pain I was about to endure.

Mel, Skald Ylva, Alpha Fen, the healer and their group gathered off to the side so as not to make her feel cornered when she changed. 

I will try to emerge quickly so as not to prolong the pain, but you must surrender the control to me first so that I can safely pass through. I won't push us past what we can handle.

Hearing Kaia say that allowed me to relax more than I thought I was capable. The facility had a dirt floor and some trees growing inside to imitate some of the outer elements in a more controlled setting. I closed my eyes and focused on the smell of the dirt beneath my shoes and the faint smell of the trees. I had thought about stripping so as not to lose my clothes, but couldn't yet bring myself to be as comfortable nude as the other wolves. 

At the edge of my consciousness, I felt Kaia. She was trying to push herself closer to me and instead of holding her at a distance as I normally would, I allowed her to push my own consciousness into a small ball as her own took up residency where mine had been just moments before. That was when I began to feel it, a small throbbing pain at first that grew until it seemed to consume my very essence.

I gasped and dropped to the ground, clutching my throat as it felt constricted. My eyes opened in a wide panic, and I could see my friends off to the side. Quinn stepped forward as if to try and help me, but I held up a hand to stop him. He couldn't help me with this.

Do not panic Maya, you need to calm down and try to calm down your heart rate.

I began to try to do what Kaia advised, and it was working until I felt like my skin was melting away. Every nerve ending in my body felt like it was on fire and I felt myself collapse on the ground as first the bones in my legs and then my arms began to rearrange themselves and lengthen into the proportions on my wolf. Then my face changed, which was the most difficult and my mouth opened in a silent scream. Finally, I felt my fur push through the skin and cover my body as my tail grew as well.

I laid there as I tried to find my bearings. That had to have been like 10 minutes of pain. I know the first shift took the longest, so I wouldn't be surprised to hear that. Maya still had control and it felt like I was looking and hearing things like I was underwater.

I am going to surrender control to you now, but I will still be here to help if you need it.

In an instant everything became clear, I could still understand every word that my friends were saying and I could feel as well. There were hands on me probing and checking, the healer from the smell of it, trying to ensure that I was okay. I opened my eyes and tried to stand slowly, so as not to make any of them panic and think I was trying to attack them. Standing on four legs is harder than all the other wolves made it look but her senses were all magnified and sharper than they had been when she had been in her human form, that was why she could hear the alpha speaking to Quinen even though they had moved away from the group.

"That was the quickest first shift I've ever witnessed," Alpha Fen said, his hands in his pockets in an attempt to look composed, but the surprise in his voice betrayed his true emotion, "She was done in under a minute." A minute? That agony that had felt like an eternity had only been less than sixty seconds? Impossible.

We are more powerful than we seem. As we become more comfortable in this form, more will be revealed. You may shift back whenever you are ready. Just push me back into my original space in your mind. 

And so I did, without even thinking about it, I shifted back and other than a slight feeling of discomfort, I felt nothing else. Weird.

Everyone gasped when I had finished shifting and I froze. s**t, my clothes! But when I looked down, my clothes were exactly where they should have been.

"Maya, what the hell? Are you crazy? You're supposed to give yourself time to recover first before you try to shift again, you could have passed out or died from pushing your body so quickly." Quinn said running over to me and running his hands over my shoulder as if to make sure my bones were all still there.

"Okay, but how about we have the conversation about how apparently that eternal, agony I felt at first had only been one minute, how the second time barely felt like anything and how my clothes are completely fine when there were trained enforcers who were practicing how to keep their clothes on and apparently I can do that by default?" I asked, my panic rising as I felt out of place, even among this small group.

"What's wrong with me Quinn?" I asked, tears blurring my vision as my anxiety rose. 

"I think I can answer your questions young one, follow me." Skald Ylva said as she turned and made her way to exit.

I didn't check to see if anyone followed me as I went with her, my only concern was then answers she could give me.