My Heart, My Treasure

Warning! All the names, people, company names in this novel are only imaginary, and in alternative reality. ~~~~ Have you ever felt useless, or used and casted away easily? Have you ever felt that the world is against you? It is said that we always do when we are hurt, betrayed, or when faced with hardships. When we have nobody to talk to, or when we have no shoulder to cry on. When we cannot just crack open our hearts, or when we cannot put our masks down. You might say, 'no big deal, it is what life does every time.' It is said that life is the best teacher anyone ever has. But what it takes to be a human? What it takes to be part of a society where one cannot say what he truly thinks or wants? When one has to live up to the expectations, when one has to be perfect only to fail, when one has to hope to be crushed. How much does it take to bear the pain that comes with it and not to lose the heart? Only to be always disappointed by the decisions that were made by not ourselves, always walking in your parents' shoes, to be up to their expectations and fail... Fail to find yourself so disappointed, regret that you did not do it on your way... That is what I am thinking right now. After failing the relationship I cherished so much, over the years just to break up without a fight. A fight to protect it, just letting go. Just to be disappointed about the decision I made myself. How ironic is that? Okay, I will not say, everything was perfect. But how can he just let go? You might be surprised 'so why?' The thing is that, I never wanted to make anyone stay with me. Even if I love the person, if his heart is not with me, then why should I force my feeling on somebody and make him miserable? This is my principle in life. But right now it hurts, it's like my insides are burning I cannot breathe properly or cry properly. Words are stuck in my throat. I keep repeating 'this is not the end of the world, it's okay' but no avail. To be prised, to rely on a person just to be shattered and casted away. He even did not come to sort it out. He did not even come to say it to my face. "Let's break up, If you have anyone worth just be with him. I never considered this relationship real anyway. I found what I was looking for, and definitely not you. Hey, I am actually doing you a favor, I don't want to take your time," his words keep repeating in my head. Ha, after six years of relationship. I never said I was perfect. I never say I led the relationship. Maybe I was not enough for him. Thinking over and over, it has no end. I cannot let myself to be miserable now. No, I must not let myself miserable now. What have I done to deserve this? That I got to study at the university? That I was the envy of the girls? Because I did not let any boys around, saving myself for him, and just to be casted away? That I could maintain myself without relying on my parents? If so then let it be. I will leave him as he wanted. I will never let anybody to get to me now. Never put my heart upon my sleeve. What I wanted was just to be cherished and loved. What I sacrificed for him... just to be with him... My eyes are dry now, after crying through the night. If this continues, I will not be able to live like before. Yeah, it is not a big deal if one dream fails. Now what I can do for myself is that I can only try to reach and make real another one. Only the thing I regret is that it was only me who thought the relationship was real. I regret my blindness. ~~~~~~ Present. "Welcome to our company miss Magnolia, we are very happy to hire a young bright woman such as yourself," said the HR manager of "Interlogistics" company, Mrs. Steele. "Thank you for entrusting me this job, I will do my best and live up to your expectations," I say with a handshake. "Amanda will show you your new workplace," she says dismissing me. After the graduation from university I found my job in a big company as an assistant manager in a big company. This is a new start in my life after the break up. Alex got married immediately after the break up. So, I no longer had reason to stay in that city. It was like a constant reminder of what happened to me and bitter-sweet memories flooding and strangling me. Regrardless of my parents reprimands I moved to the S city and got a good job. New apartment and new place to adapt. I don't know what will be my plans for the future, I will try my best.