Romans Short Life.

I knew he was he was there . I could feel him move. He felt my happiness and sadness. He took my worries away for a while , I felt strong and I wanted to keep him there . He comforted me , he heard my voice and he made me smile. He was my cherry . I am sick , they gave me herbs , he too took it with me , I did not eat and he did not eat with me. I felt weak all the time , I could not eat , I was always vomiting and everyone thought it was a flare because I have lupus. My leg is paining me and I use crutches and I always need help. can not do anything on my own and I wish I was not sick. I am depressed and my mental health is failing me but whenever I felt him move I was happy even if it was for a while. Why did I fall sick ? Why am I not getting better? Does God not love me anymore? Am I going to get better? Will I ever get to walk again without any walking aid ? How am I going to live my life from now on ? Is this life even worth living ? Those are the questions I ask myself around 2am everyday. I cry myself to sleep , sometimes I do not even sleep. No one could really understand how I felt and is still feeling. They say they understand but they can never truly understand . They say sorry , it will get better and all of this will be memories but when? They tell me to put on the lights and raise the curtains but I like it dark . They tell me to be out with people and have fun but I like being alone and my fun is doing whatever I want in my home . I want peace of mind and he gave me that. When I had him in me , I did not think of anything negative . I was genuinely happy . I was smiling not because I wanted people to think I was happy . I was smiling because I was actually happy. I wanted to be a hundred percent sure he was really there , so I did a test on my birthday and yes, he was there , he was really there and it was not my imagination . He was real. I had this bittersweet sensation and I held my belly the whole night. Different thoughts ran through my mind , questions , worries and tears ran down my cheeks. [ was not ready for him. I have to get better first. I can not have him with my present condition . I want him to have a better life and I wanted to be able to hold him, feed him, change his diapers , bath him, dance around with him and do everything with him but right now I cannot. I made a decision to leg him go , it still breaks my heart and I can not stop thinking about him. I got a nurse to come over to my house because I could not go to the hospital because I did not even tell my parents . The nurse came and asked how many moths he was and I told her two months . She started the procedure by first inserting a pill in my private part and then I took another pill with warm water , and lastly , two injections and she said it would feel like period cramps. After a while I started to feel the pain and yes at first it was like period cramps but then it got worse , I could not sit or eat or even lay down and my back was hurting so much but I was not bleeding. Was the pill not working ? I thought to myself . The pain lasted the whole day and I started seeing blood around night time , I vomited , cried , peed and pooped . I was in so much pain . The nurse advised I take dry gin and warm water to push the whole thing out . I listened and I did exactly what she told me. I stood up to pee and in my pad I could see large blood clots , I cleaned up and came back to the bed which was uncomfortable so I moved to the floor , that did not help either so I moved back to the bed . I wanted to pee again so I went back to the toilet and I did pee and then the blood clots were coming out so I thought to myself , oh let me push out all the blood clots if add a little force and then I felt something big in my private part. What kind of big blood clot is this ? I asked myself , its so painful , I can not take it back , I added more force , I screamed and pushed and then something big came out. What could that be? i looked in the toilet and there he was , a baby , it was not a large blood clot , it was a baby , I brought him out of the toilet but my baby was gone already . He was a beautiful baby boy. He had fingers and cute little toes , he had a face , he was already formed , he was not two months , he was five months, he looked healthy , his mouth was opened. I cried . If I had known he was this big ,I would have kept him. He was with me for five months and those months were the happiest moment of my life. I looked at him and called him Roman. He gave me strength , hope , experience and love. i thank him and I will forever love him, I know we will meet again and I know he is resting perfectly in the Lords arm. I hope he forgives me and I want him to know I did not mean for it to happen that way. I am sorry . Even though his life was short , he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my Angel. My son, ROMAN.