VJ

25 - Time with my parents

Chloe

“What’s making you so sad, Chloe?”

I narrow my eyes and smile, trying to mask what she’s already seen.

“Why would you think I’m sad? I’m not sad, Mom. I just wanted to come see you.”

She squeezes my hand affectionately. “Baby, you can’t fool me. After everything you’ve been through, you don’t need to keep things from me.”

I know I don’t, but I can’t tell her about the baby yet. I don’t know what I want to do about it, so I don’t want to tell my mom and have her get excited about it, only to be disappointed if I decide not to keep it. Because I know my mother, she’ll be happy for me, even without a father. She’ll tell me how she’ll be there for me and help me with everything I need because she’ll never leave me alone to worry. But I don’t want that.

I love my mother, but it’s not her job to help me care for a child I never even planned for. I’m pregnant because my stupid pill didn’t work. A child I’m pregnant with because I let a stranger cu.m inside of me repeatedly over the past few weeks.

Plus, my poor mother will worry about me seeing doctors and having all those appointments for things, just the way she worried about me having the cochlear implants. I can’t afford any of it, and neither can they. I could tell VJ and have him pay for everything; this is also his baby. But I’m not that selfish. It’s not his place to pay for everything, some of it, yes — not all of it.

I want to tell my mom nothing is wrong, but I can’t. She sees right through me. I can’t tell her about the baby, but I can tell her about VJ.

“I met a guy,”

Her face breaks out into a huge smile. After what happened to me all those months ago, Mom has been trying to tell me to move on with my life. Not to let what happened define the way I see men and that not all men are out there to hurt me. So, I’m guessing this is good news for her.

“You did? What’s he like?”

I sigh. I’m not going to lie to her. “He’s a nice man. Terribly handsome and tall. So not my usual type.” I chuckle. “I met him on a night out with Candi-Rose. We hit it off right away. I’ve never met anybody like him before, Mom.”

“You like this man?”

“So much. I love him, but he doesn’t feel the same way.” I swallow back my emotions. I don’t want to cry in front of her.

“He told you this?”

I shake my head. “He doesn’t need to. I haven’t told him how I feel either. But I know he’ll never feel the same way because he told me from the beginning that he’d never love me and I shouldn’t fall for him, but it was hard not to.”

“He sounds like a complicated man.” That’s an understatement.

“Max already warned me away from him. He told me that...”

“Wait,” Mom cuts me off with a shake of her hand. “Max warned you away from this man? Why?”

Here goes.

“Because the man I’ve been seeing is his big brother. VJ.”

“The one who went to prison? The psychopath?!”

She only knows this because Max was drunk here with my dad one night and upset about VJ being in prison. He told my parents everything about the man. They’ve had an opinion about him ever since, and it’s not a good opinion. Actually, it’s incredibly judgmental.

“Mom, don’t call him that. Yes, he’s been to prison, but VJ went there because he protected Max.”

“He battered someone almost to death, Chloe! After everything that happened, you go and fall for a psychopath!”

My mom has never raised her voice to me like this. I understand, as a parent, she’d be worried, especially after what happened and the hell we went through. But I thought she’d be a little more understanding of my feelings.

“Mama, please don’t be angry. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. VJ is a good man; he’s been nothing but kind and protective of me. He never lied to me about what our relationship was. He told me that he’d never love me. He thinks himself incapable of love, but I don’t believe it, Mom. I know he’s capable of it; I just don’t think he understands the feeling.”

“You’re kidding yourself if you ever think a man like that will love you. He won’t, Chloe. All he will ever do is hurt you.”

I swallow back my emotions. I don’t want to argue with my mom about VJ, especially when she’s right. But I feel the need inside of me to stand up for him. I know deep down that there is love in him. I know he’s capable. I know I could show him how to let it in and show others how much he cares about them.

“I won’t give up on him, Mom. I love him. He needs me. I can show VJ that he’s more than he has been led to believe. Yes, he has a psychotic disorder, but I have never seen that side of him. To me, VJ is just a man who needs to be shown he is more than the monster inside of him.”

Mom stares at me for long moments before she brings my hand to her mouth and kisses my knuckles.

“Only you could think such a thing about such a dangerous man. You are such a beautiful soul, Chloe, and I am so proud of you.” She cups my face gently. “But please be careful. Don’t be fooled by the things he says. I’m not saying he’ll lie to you, but he will keep things from you. Men like him always do.”

Mom sighs.

“I’m scared for you, Chloe. Men like VJ are so dangerous. I’m scared that you’ll get hurt because of the life he leads.”

I smile slightly while squeezing her hand. I wish I could tell her that none of that could happen. I wish I could tell my mother that life with VJ would be perfect. But I can’t because I know it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even want it to be because that’s unrealistic for anybody. Though life is perfect in its own way for each person.

Life with VJ would be chaotic. He’d drive me crazy and send my hair gray before age thirty.

But what’s life without a bit of drama?

“Can he protect you? Will he protect you?”

I nod in honesty. “With his life, Mom.”

There is no doubt in my mind that VJ would protect me. However, we’re nothing; he made that clear. He wants me because he can have me, but all he wants me for is se.x. I am worth so much more than that. I’m not about to tell my mother that, though.

Mom smiles but says nothing in response.

“What time will Dad be home?”

Mom looks at the clock on the wall above the refrigerator. “Half an hour. I best get dinner on. Why don’t you go freshen up?”

“You don’t need my help?”

She shakes her head with a smile on my face. So, I take my bag up to my childhood room. God, the place hasn’t changed since I was fifteen. My dresser still holds my perfume bottles and schoolbooks. Books with writing across them: Chloe loves Karl.

I laugh to myself while climbing onto my bed. The same bed I slept in from the age of twelve until I left home. The same bed with the same comforter I had as a child, my soft comforter of green. Mom once told me it belonged to my grandmother — her mother. I never knew her because she died when I was just two years old. Her father died when I was five. I remember him a little, but not much. I knew my father’s parents, but they died when I was sixteen.

Anyway, Karl was a boy in school whom I thought, in my twelve-year-old mind, that I loved. I wrote his name all over my schoolbooks and followed him around everywhere he went. Until the day he told me he would never date me if I was the last girl on earth. He was the first boy to break my heart.

That heartbreak lasted an hour before Robbie Collins asked me out. My first boyfriend, who never even kissed me. The things we do as children. I can’t help laughing to myself.

I lie down on my bed and close my eyes. There’s nothing like being home to help my mind relax. I’ve been worrying too much about things I can’t change. So VJ doesn’t love me; my world hasn’t and won’t end because of it. So, I’m pregnant with his child. I’ll have to deal with it and get on with things.

If I keep this baby, then VJ has a right to know. It’s not wrong of me to expect him to help with things. Somewhere deep inside of me, I know he’ll do it. I don’t need to keep beating myself up over him not wanting me for anything more than se.x. He can only use me if I allow him to. Yes, I love him so much, and I would give anything to have him want me and love me in return. But it’s not going to happen. I deserve to be happy, but only I can make that happen.

Life isn’t so bad. I just need to remind myself now and again that I don’t need a man to complete me. I’m perfect the way I am.

I’m woken an hour later by my dad telling me that dinner is ready. He waits for me to climb off my bed so he can hug me. It always makes me feel safe when my dad hugs me.

Isn’t it the same for all girls?

We eat Mom’s chicken pot pie, smiling and talking about everything we’ve been up to since we last spoke like this. I’m annoyed when Mom tells Dad everything about VJ and what I told her. I know they tell each other everything, but like any good father, mine is not pleased.

“He is not the man for you, Chloe. I don’t want you dating him. You can do better.” That is what he’s told me three times already. At least he waited until we’d eaten; he would have put me off my food. That would have been a travesty because Mom’s chicken pot pie is to die for.

“Dad, please, I’m a grown woman. I know it’s scary knowing VJ has problems, and I would be a liar if I said he wasn’t a dangerous man,”

My dad huffs, annoyed with me, annoyed that I have feelings for a man he’ll never understand. I reach across the table and take his hand in mine.

“Daddy, VJ would never physically hurt me. I have no doubt about that. He would never allow anybody else to hurt me, either. He’d probably kill anyone who tried.” I mumble to myself. “But the point is, he’s not a bad man, not deep down.”

“I don’t care what he is deep down, Chloe. The only time I ever met him,” I narrow my eyes. I didn’t know they’d ever met. “I was over in Bardsville, picking up some timber. That kid was probably about eleven, tall for his age. His Daddy spoke to me because that’s the kind of man Shepard was. Even if he is a violent biker.”

So, my father knows that Shepard is a violent biker, yet he still spoke to the man with respect and isn’t really telling me what a bad man he obviously is, not the way he’s trying to warn me against VJ?

I see a little hypocrisy going on.

“Even then, I could see something evil within that boy. Everybody could see it. Just the look in his eyes told everyone who came into contact with VJ that he had the devil deep within him. I should have known something like this would happen when you met and befriended Max.”

I bite the inside of my cheek. I don’t know what to say to him. I’m not here to defend VJ and try to make my parents like him enough to accept him. There’s no point when we’re nothing, not even friends. But I can’t help feeling sad for VJ. Not one person wholeheartedly believes he can be like everyone else. I’m not stupid enough to think he will ever lead an entirely normal life, but the man isn’t Norman Bates for Christ’s sake.

“Dad, I know you worry about me, but you must trust that I know what I’m doing. VJ will never love me; therefore, there is no relationship. There never will be. Regardless of how I feel about VJ, I know I deserve to be loved.”

I know that much, at least. I hope VJ realizes what love is and how to let it in one day. However, I can’t just wait around for him to come and fuc.k me whenever he feels like it. I won’t do it. I’m not his girl, and I won’t let anyone in his club think I’m with him, either. There’s nothing between us, and I don’t need him to protect me.

My parents now know there is nothing to worry about. I might be in love with the man, but that’s as far as it goes. There is no us. Because he’s not just suddenly going to wake up tomorrow and realize that he feels the same way about me. I won’t sit around hoping that one day it will happen.

Shi.t, if I did that before I knew it, ten years of my life would have passed me by, and nothing would have changed.

No, I’m done.

Officially.