✨Solaris✨

“You must attend the funeral” my Sun-Mother’s tone is cutting and sharp, her face is hard as stone and her eyes hold thinly-veiled fury. Her strong physique is rigid and ready to pounce. “No, I’m not going” my voice is soft but firm, my blue eyes- eyes that I inherited from my Sun-Mother- are calm and determined. She is not used to me defying her, but she knows I am going to fiercely hold my ground this time. I feel the tension between us curl up to the ceiling in burning hot licks of fury, like a fire gone mad. I can hear my own heart beat thrum in my ears. I don’t want to fight with my Sun-Mother, I don’t like being on the receiving-end of her blazing blue eyes. “Ok…I think it’s time everyone cooled down” My Moon-Mother’s voice is as gentle as a sun shower in spring, soothing and sweet. Moon-Mother’s voice disarms my Sun-Mother. “Estee…” says my Sun-Mother with a sigh of resignation, “Solaris can’t miss her own sister’s funeral…what kind of example does that set for the rest of the pack?” Sun-Mother is always concerned with the example she and our family set for the pack. Sun-Mother is the reigning Queen of our pack, and no one in the family gets the chance to forget. Not Moon-Mother, not me, not my adopted sisters Paola and Arizona…and certainly not….I can’t say her name. It shreds my heart to say her name. It angers me that they would try to have HER funeral without a body. How could they all just accept her death without a body? We are not like the creatures of the Forrest-our physical forms don’t decay and smell, and fester away. Were’s do not decompose- we remain perfectly frozen in the moment of death- so our remains must be burnt. The ash is the only part of us which returns back to mother earth. But we never did find Rosetta’s body…there was no burning ceremony. You cannot have a funeral without a body. And so I will not go to this sham of a funeral that shamelessly masquerades as closure. Not for them. Not for anyone. Kill me for all I care. Yes, kill me. Then I can finally be with Rosetta- the only Were on this green planet that understood the shape and nature of my soul. The only Were I ever truly trusted, the only one I could drop all of my facades with, and just be who I truly am, with no pressures or expectations. Rosetta gifted me the freedom to be who I truly am, and to be loved for it. Now she’s gone and I feel alone in this pack and in this world. I’m a dandelion on a stormy breeze, being tossed to-and-fro, rushing towards a destination that I don’t know, so disconnected from my simple origins, my sweet beginnings. I’m at the mercy of the forces of nature, and my sweet tether, my bestfriend , my beloved sister, my most precious Rosetta, is taken from me forever. How can I live the rest of my days on this planet without her? This pain will devour me whole and spit out my lonely bones. Moon-Mother places her hand on my arm and gives me that forever-familiar maternal look of worry. I am her stone-child, a vault, I’m her clam, stoic, solid-as-rock -child. But my heart weeps and the salty sadness brims in my eyes. “Solaris…my sweet…are you ok?” Moon mother’s voice is a warm blanket draped around sleepy shoulders on a dark, stormy day. Moon mother’s voice is comfort- it reminds me of….never mind. I turn my face away from Moon-Mother’s furrowed brow, and pull my arm away from her warm touch. Anxious feet carry me swiftly towards the front door. “Solaris!” Sun mother’s voice sounds surprised, “where are you going?!” I don’t answer her. I breeze by the front garden and vanish out of the gate. I catch a glimpse of my adopted sisters’ wide-eyed faces as they pause, bent, to pick silver beat from a flourishing garden bed. Arizona stands up straight and opens her mouth to say something, but I am gone, like a towering, vanilla-blonde ghost. My boots beat against the cobble stone and all I can think about is drowning these god forsaken feelings. The elders of our pack have been expressing their concerns about me for a year- they would like me to confide in our medicine woman and receive ‘treatment’ for my ‘unwell soul’. Of course Sun-Mother pushes the matter, wanting to please the elders and retain their respect. But I don’t care for tea-drinking, bone-shaking and chanting. And what unwell soul? It’s surely nothing that a few strong ales and a good f**k can’t fix. And god knows there’s plenty of juicy peaches, willing and ready to drip down my chin, if I want it. And I do want. “You’re beginning to get a reputation!” said Sun-Mother in one of our last arguments. I told her that maybe the elders should find better things to do with their time than worry about what my hungry little tongue was doing. Her face went so red- it was hilarious. Moon-mother was horrified. My newly adopted sisters, Paola and Arizona, ran out of the room laughing. I laugh to myself as the memory of that day begins to fade in my mind, being replaced by a new objective- find a warm body and seduce it. I run through a mental catalogue of where everyone is today and who might be available, but it’s coming up to the next full moon and that means one thing- the Moon Were’s and the Sun Were’s are deeply preoccupied with marriage: Before each full moon the Mother’s from eligible households select a sun daughter for courting. All the sun daughters are presented to the moon daughters, which have also been selected by their mother’s, and offered up to be courted by a Sun Were. Sun Were’s do the courting, Moon Were’s are courted. It’s a stupid tradition going back thousands of years for our people. The Sun Were’s are presented at the full moon in a ceremony, and Moon Were’s pick their Sun and stand by them- it always reminds me of a shepherd and her loyal sheep. A moon can only pick one sun to offer herself to each month, but a sun can have many moons. This generally results in a flock of moons to one sun. The more popular the sun, the more moons for courting she receives. Over the next 14 days the sun will spend time with the moons individually or as a group, and select one which she desires for marriage. If there’s a mutual bond, they’ll continue to court exclusively until there is a proposal. If a sun does not select a moon for potential marriage, or a moon is no longer interested in the sun, the courting ends and the moons go through a cleansing ritual at the new moon each month, and then the cycle starts again at the next full moon. A sun can also ‘dismiss’ all of her offers of courting at the full moon- it’s rare, considered deeply insolent, and frowned upon, and in which case , the moons either retreat out of shame, or select another sun out of spite. The whole thing can be fairly entertaining-especially after a few ales. But this month is no laughing matter- my mother’s have selected me for courting! What in the goddesses name! It was a fierce argument which I regretfully lost. And now my pale ass will be paraded in front of the entire pack as I wait to see which moons- if any-will select me to be courted by. What if no one picks me? There’s more than a few bruised hearts in this Were pack which I’m responsible for. I could find myself moonless and rejected, publicly humiliated. The icy fear slides over my heart for a moment, and then I bury it in laughter, imagining how awkward it would be and how furious my sun mother’s face would look. Good goddess, for that reason alone I almost hope I am rejected and moonless- imagine it! The mighty Queen of our pack, her Sun-offspring a dud, no one wants her! She’d be humiliated! But I know that won’t happen. Hearts are sticky, needy little beasts in our pack, and there’s more than a few sticky, needy arms reaching out for my long, hard form. Maybe it’s the vanilla-blonde Viking braids that I wear down my back. Maybe it’s the merciless blue of my eyes that promise a good time, or maybe its the browning of the sun on my skin- or maybe, just maybe, that the only thing, other than combat, that I excel at, is not something that is publicly praised. Or maybe I’m a cocky ass who over-estimates my ability to satisfy a moon. I smirk to myself as I reach the moon-barracks…nah, that definitely can’t be the truth. The moon barracks hold the moon Warriors in the daylight hours-when they are at their weakest. When night falls, and moon Were’s power-up, they will trade with the sun warriors at the boarders of our territory. The sun’s- who power-down after dusk, will retreat to the Sun barracks to sleep and restore themselves. And so the cycle goes, around and around, like the true celestial bodies in our skies; Two blazing, red sun’s, four pale, purple moons. Warriors are meant to stay in their respective barracks, but being the Queen’s daughter has its perks- like blind eyes to my moon-barrack visits. When I arrive at the towering, stern gates, I see a clutch of moon Were’s in the court yard enjoying wine, ale, and tempting things to eat. They see me through the gaps in the black wrought iron and immediately flock towards me- I have no doubt that I’m an interesting occurrence in their otherwise tedious, sunny hours. “What do you want?” One of them asks- her hair is long, chestnut ringlets and her lips are stained purple with wine. My gaze slips down her tight, curvy frame and a heartbeat comes to life in my throat. “I…uh…”. “Listen to that ladies! She’s stammering! The great up-coming head of the sun warriors is stammering! This will be good!”. I draw in a long breath and make them wait for my answer- snatching the power back from her purple lips. “I’m looking for Jasmine” I knew that name would wipe the stupid look off their wine-merry faces. Jasmine Anders is the eldest of three daughters belonging to two sun mothers. Two mothers of the same symbol is almost unheard of, but Jasmine’s Mother’s are a top tier Were-family. They both come from a long line of warrior Were’s and they have prestige among the pack. Neither Jasmine’s mother’s or their daughters have a chance at being Queen of our pack, but the next best thing is being a Queen’s bride. And now that Rosetta is…gone….and I am next in line for the crown, Jasmine’s mothers are desperate for this union. Jasmine is smart, beautiful and calculating, but she leads with the head, and as for her heart…it’s probably bound and gagged, and locked in a box at the bottom of a murky lake somewhere. Jasmine has adopted her mother’s values of power and position over feelings and following the heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jasmine truly did not know what she wanted at all in life. But her mother’s expectations, hopes, demands and dreams for her seem to make good substitutions for any desires of her own. One of the wine drinkers scurries off to find Jasmine. I wait patiently, calmly. When jasmine strides across the grassy courtyard towards me, I’m surprised to see her in a soft, white linen dress that rustles under the breeze against her milky upper thighs. My breath pauses at the sight. I am so accustomed to seeing Jasmine in her combat garb, that seeing her so soft and unarmored seems strange to me now. The balmy breeze tosses her silky, wavy brunette locks about. Her plump lips smirk under her long, narrow nose and I see a hunger and curiosity blossom in her light brown eyes. “Solaris…how can I help you this morning?” She says, looking me straight-on in the eyes. Her confidence is both sexy and maddening. I wish she were more meek. But then, that wouldn’t be Jasmine-brave and fearless upcoming Head of the Moon Warriors. “I wanted to speak with you” my tone is even, giving nothing away. Jasmine makes a dismissive gesture with her hand, as if she’s shooing away a fly. “I don’t think so- I’ve heard Elder Snippermeister wants to speak with you”. I feel crest-fallen and annoyed. I wanted to take Jasmine to bed, not find myself consumed with anxiety about having to have a meeting with the most insufferable elder of our pack- I can’t stand that old bag, but my mothers regard her with so much reverence, it’s sickening. The old hyena should gracefully step down and let some fresh blood onto the panel of elders. But the old thing is clutching to her place on that panel with an icy, death grip. I let go of the thought and return to the present moment- I don’t want to talk about elder snippermeister, I want to talk about how I can get Jasmine’s sweet, intoxicating scent on my skin again. “Look, I came here to talk. If you’re not interested, I’ll go”. I turn to walk away and…“Wait!” A hint of desperation and Jasmine’s composure is showing cracks. I banish the grin on my face before I turn back to Jasmine. “Yes?”. Jasmine smiles. Something about her eyes reminds me of a cat- there’s something mischievous but all-knowing hidden away in there. “Follow me- we can speak in my quarters”. Jasmine unlocks the gate with a large, black key I hadn’t noticed was tucked into the palm of her hand. The gate is locked behind me and I follow the upcoming head of the moon warriors to her personal quarters. Jasmine closes the heavy wood doors and locks it. I have only been here once or twice but the sweet, bright scent of her room makes me feel wide awake. The Decore in the room is warm, earthy tones with lots of heavy pots holding plants and dark wooden furniture, interesting little Knick knacks like bejeweled boxes and statues of women carrying jugs of water. In the center of the room is a colossal wooden bed with silky curtains hanging from the posters. “You didn’t really come here to talk, did you?” Jasmine’s smile is gone and I can hear her blood pulsing wildly in her veins, I can see a pulse in her neck and I can smell the sweet, damp hunger between her thighs. Jasmine sits upon the bed and I come to her, standing before her, peering down into her eyes. I cup her face in my long fingers and find her lips with mine in a burning kiss. She sighs as our tongues eagerly meet and her hands move to the button of my pants. I grab her hand and stop her. “Jasmine…” she pauses her flurry of activity to stare up at me. “It’s almost the season for the blood moons and I can feel that I’m fertile, If your eggs are ready to go we might find ourselves up s**t creek. Maybe we should wait”. Jasmine leans back and opens her legs. “Yes, breeding season is almost here, but I’m not yet fertile”. A grin takes Jasmine’s pretty features and transform them into a beacon of seduction. Jasmine’s cheeks are flushed with a faint touch of pink. She’s laying on her side in bed, propped up on her elbow with her head resting in her hand. The silky, cream coloured sheet is draped over her naked form, and somehow her hair remains unscathed and perfect. She looks like a goddess, laying there like that. I finish pulling my pants on and search for my top which was flung onto a lamp in the heat of it all. I grab it and pull it on. “When will I see you again?” Jasmine purrs. “Maybe after the full moon bullshit?” I shrug and cast a lazy gaze towards her. Jasmine smiles, “ah yes, I forget that you’ll be part of that whole song and dance now”. “Yep, unfortunately”. Jasmine’s eyes zero in on my face. “Don’t you want a Wife?” She tilts her head to one side, her eyes boring into mine. I feel myself clam up. I turn away from her gaze as I sit on the end of the bed, pulling on my boots. “I’ve got to go now” i avoid her question. “See you soon Jasmine”. “Take care Solaris…” Jasmine’s voice sounds as if it’s tinged with sadness, it sounds strange to my ears which have grown accustomed to her verbal jabs and quick wit. I find myself down by the river. This river snakes through the Forrest and curves through the east boundary of our territory. Either side of the banks are fringed in lush, dense rain Forrest. By day, this place is picturesque and beautiful, by night it’s eerie and unsettling. But it’s only mid morning and the sun is illuminating the river and it’s beautiful here. I sit on a Boulder and remove my shoes and clothing. It feels good to be naked under the warm sun. The pebbles on the banks crunch under my feet as I make my way to the water, slowly wading into its crisp, refreshing depths. I can see down to the bottom of the riverbed as if the water is made of glass. I lose all sense of time as I float on my back with my eyes closed. I can feel the gentle current tossing my hair about. And for a moment the agonizing pain becomes a dull roar. For a moment my whole world is not consumed by Rosetta’s absence. I feel a sense of comfort and safety, floating, weightless in the coolness of the river. I decide to just…stay here. Forever. “Solaris?” comes a timid, unsure voice. I’m deeply relaxed and still floating in the river, butt naked as the day I was born. I decide to ignore the voice, in the hopes it’ll go away. “Solaris?” Damn it. It’s persistent so I’ll have to respond. I open my eyes to the blue of the sky and swiftly move into an upright position. My eyes focus on Vanessa and a sense of annoyance settles in me. It’s Vanessa Beckett staring at me from the river bank. She’s a moon and the second born in her family. Her sun-mother died a few years ago in the last war, and her moon mother couldn’t cope, and all but abandoned her and her two sisters. Vanessa found her way into my arms, and I found my way into her underwear. It’s been complicated ever since. “What is it?” I’m upright in the stream, the water lapping against my collar bones. The water is perfectly clear but I don’t attempt to hide my nakedness. I couldn’t care less, but Vanessa is blushing and casting her gaze to the side. “I…was wondering if you would be in the woods tonight?” She looked painfully uncomfortable. Ever since Rosetta didn’t return home, I dedicate a portion of each day to searching for her. I thought I’d kept it secret enough, but some moons had taken note and began to offer to protect me after nightfall. A few times, out of pity and guilt, I’d allowed Vanessa to shadow me in the woods after nightfall, when the sun symbol on my wrist goes dark, indicating that I cannot phase into my second form. Moons’ symbols shimmer at night, indicating that they are at their strongest and able to phase into their second form. That is, until dawn, when Sun’s begin to power back up, and moons power down. Vanessa has long, wiry black hair, small, intense brown eyes and fair skin. Under her eyes is dark and she always looks exhausted and sad. She has been interested in me since I took her virginity two years ago, but I could never reciprocate the feelings. Now she hangs around like a bad smell, waiting for any opportunity to be close to me. I know I’m a mongrel for the way I’ve treated her- guilt and annoyance swill uneasily in the pit of my stomach. But where is her self-respect?! She doesn’t have to be here, shadowing me, pining… Vanessa shifts uncomfortably on the pebbly river bank. Ive been in my head and the gap between her question and my answer has been left too long, awkwardness sets in. “Will I be in the woods tonight?” I try to look thoughtful, hoping that it might just look like I’m mulling her question over and not preoccupied in my mind. “Uh…no. Not tonight” I say. Vanessa’s sad eyes seem to deepen, “Oh…okay…well, you know where I am…if you need me”. Her tone is betraying her disappointment. I return back to floating on my back, peering up at the sky. *** The horizon is swallowing the last rays of sunlight as I walk down the path to home. A long wooden arch that’s painted white, is draped in a heavy blanket of wisteria over the path. My moon mother planted the wisteria to attract bees. The house and yard are done is moon-mother’s style- homely meets fairytale. Our mud brick home is large, 10 rooms, with an upstairs and downstairs, and yet, it is somehow homely and inviting. I glance down at my left wrist as I come to the end of the stone path, and I see that my sun symbol is almost entirely black. I feel my body power-down, craving rest and recuperation. I slump into the wooden dining room chair. My adopted sisters’ Arizona and Paola steal glances of me. The pair were adopted a year ago- both girls were mid-spring in age- old enough to be considered young women, but young and girlish enough that they weren’t yet ready to strike out on their own. It was strange to see them grow so fast, all our kind do. But you forget until you have young people in your life and they’re radically changing before your eyes day by day, sometimes hour by hour. The adopted sisters couldn’t be more different- Arizona is ebony-skinned with big brown eyes that convey her intelligence. Arizona doesn’t say a lot, but when she does it’s full of unapologetic spice. The other adoptive sister, Paola, is a shy, timid thing. She’s fair-skinned with arching, almond eyes and long, straight black hair. When Paola first arrived she would wake in the dead of night, screaming from nightmares. Arizona would comfort her, and soon they weren’t two random girls that happened to be adopted together- they became sisters. I stayed out of it- I have a sister…had a sister…and don’t need more. But I know Arizona and Paola were adopted to fill the aching, raggedy space left behind by Rosetta, only I don’t want that space filled, I stand guard over that space- it is hers and nothing else can go there. Not these two adopted girls, not me, no one. The table is laid out beautifully and dinner is comfort food- meat with gravy and roast pumpkin and potatoes with peas. Sun mother is animatedly talking to Arizona about what her time with the sun warriors was like, and moon mother and Paola are listening. I check into the conversation from time to time just to take note so I can contribute if I’m called on. “So Sol, how was your day?” Moon mother looks into my eyes before she takes an elegant bite of the varied food items she has on her fork. “It was…ok, I guess”. I shift uncomfortably in my chair- I really just wanted to sink into the background of dinner. “We heard that you paid a visit to the Moon Warrior Quarters…you know you’re not allowed there”. I feel panic rise in my chest- it’s definitely time to steer this conversation is another direction. “Yeah, I just stopped by to say hi to a friend. Don’t worry- I won’t make it a habit”. Sun mother raises an eyebrow at my words and I can tell by the way her mouth is arranged that’s she’s fighting with herself not to say anything. “My house will be ready soon…” I desperately try to steer the conversation towards safer grounds. Moon mother claps her hands together and tears well up in her eyes, “I can’t believe it’s almost time for you to move into a home of your own! It’s going to feel so empty without you here…”. Sun mother leans over and presses a tender kiss against moon mother’s temple. “Maybe it’s time to have more, eh?” She’s trying to lighten the mood. Moon mother swats at her playfully and laughs, before fixing her eyes back on me. “How much more needs to be done?” She asks. I cast my gaze down to my plate and my shoulders give a small shrug. “It just needs a few adjustments…” I keep it vague. I’m ashamed by the truth. “What kind of adjustments?” Moon mother seems genuinely interested. I genuinely wish she wasn’t. I hear Arizona stifle a laugh and I shoot her a blazing look for a nanosecond. God damn it- news travels fast. I had asked for a room to be built off of the main bedroomA a secret room with stairs leading down to it. A private room. A sound proof room…a…love dungeon. I could feel my fair cheeks flush. I wish I could be honest about these things, but to-date, I’m one of the few Were’s who don’t want to marry and settle down. There are so many moons to whet my appetite- how on earth can I choose one? For the rest of my life?! It sounds absurd and I don’t understand how the married are genuinely contented. Maybe there’s something about love that I don’t understand. How does love funnel all desire into one person? It’s an obscure mystery to me. “What kind of adjustments?” I repeat moon mother’s question to buy me time in constructing my response. Arizona looks at me, barely hiding her amusement. “I…uh…well…I wanted some storage space, so they’re adding in a small storage area”. Moon mother accepts my answer and the dinner conversation rolls along.