The Apogian War

Chapter 39

needs and hungers, eager to keep them from reaching a point of frintr tion or pain. But now my circle was scattered, others serving in my place, and somehow I had to cope with a world fall of elaborate games and com plex relationships. I said, as I would have said to a sister, "They're pres uring me to marry, Callina. What shall I do? It's too soon. I'm still I gestured, unable to put it into words. She nodded gravely. "Perhaps you should take Linnes after all. It would mean they couldn't put any constraint on you for someone les suitable." She was seriously considering my problem, giving it her full attention. "I suppose, mostly, what they want is for you to father a son for Armiday. If you could do that, they wouldn't care whether you mar ried the girl or not, would they?" It wouldn't have been difficult to have fathered a child by one of the women in my circle at Aril, even though pregnancy makes it too dangerous for a woman to remain in the tower. But the thought of that was like salt in a raw wound. I said at last, and heard my voice c***k, "I am a bastard myself. Do you honestly think I would ever inflict that on any son of mine? And Linnea is very young and she was ... . honest with me." This whole conversation troubled me for obscure reasons. "And how do you come to know so much about this? Has my love life become a subject for Council debate, Callina comynara?" She shook her head pityingly. "No, of course not. But Javanne and I played dolls together, and she still tells me things. Not Council gossip, Lno, just women's talk." I hardly heard her. Like all Faltrons, I sometimes have a disturbing tendency to see time out of focus, and Callina's image kept wavering and trembling, as if I saw her through running water or through flowing time. For a moment I would lose sight of her as she was now, pale and plain and crimson-draped, as she shimmered in an ice-blue glittering mist. Then she would seem to float, cold and aloof and beautiful, shim mering with a darkness like the midnight sky. I was tormented, strug gling with mingled rage and frustration, my whole body aching with it I blinked, trying to get the world back in focus. "Are you ill, kinsman?" I realized with sheer horror that I had been, for an instant, on the very edge of taking her into my arms. Since she was not now Keeper within the circle, this was only a rudeness, not an unthinkable atrocity. Still, I must be mad! I was actually trembling. This was insane! I was still looking at Callina, reacting to her as if she were a desirable woman not barred from me by double taboo and the oath of a tower techn She met my eyes, deeply troubled. There was cool sympathy and bindliness in her glance, but no response to my surge of uncontrollable emotion. Of course not! "Damirela, I apologize profoundly," I said, feeling my breath taw in ar throat. "It's this crowd. Plays hell with my. barriers. She nodded, accepting the excuse, "I hate such affairs. I try never to come to them, except when I must. Let's get into the air for a moment, Lno." She led the way out to one of the small balconies where a thin foe rain was falling. I breathed the cold dampness with relief. She was wearing a long, fine, shimmering black veil that spun out behind her ke wings, gleaming in the darkness. I could not resist the impulse to seize her in my arms, crush her against me, press her lips against mine Again I blinked, Callina calm in her brilliant drapery. Suddenly I felt sick and faint and clung to the balcony railing. I felt myself falling into infinite distances, a wild nowhere of empty space. Callina said quietly, "This isn't just the crowd. Have you some kirin, Lno?" I shook my head, fighting to get the world in perspective. I was too old for this, damn it. Most telepaths outgrow these psychic upheavals at puberty. I hadn't had threshold sickness since before I went to Aril. I had no idea why it should overcome me just now. Callina said gently, "I wish I could help you, Lno. You know what's really wrong with you, don't you?" She brushed past me with a feather light touch and left me. I stood in the cold damp air of the balcony, feeling the sting of the words. Yes, I knew what was wrong and re sented it, bitterly, that she should remind me from behind the barri cade of her own invulnerability. She did not share my needs, desires; it was a torment from which she, as Keeper, was free. For the moment, in my flaring anger at the girl, I forgot the cruel discipline behind her hard-won immunity. Yes, I knew what was really wrong with me. At Aril had grown accustomed to women who were sensitive to my needs, who shared them. Now I had been a long time away, a long time alone. I was even barred, being what I am, from the kind of uncomplicated relief which the least of my fellow Guardsmen might find. The few times-very few times-when, in desperation, I had been driven to seek it, it had only made me sick. Sensitive women don't take up that particular profession. Or if they do I've never met them. Leaning my head on the railing,

I gave way to envya bitter ey of a man who could find even tem porary solace with any woman with a willing body Momentarily, knowing it would make it wone in the end, I let my self think of the girl Linnes Persian Mood. A sensitive, a mind gap. Pes haps I had been too hasty. Rage gripped me again. So Hastor and my father thought they could manipulate me no other way, now they tried to laibe me with s*x. They had bribed Cyan by putting him in charge of a baracks full of hats grown boys, who at the very leat would feed his ego by admiring him and flattering him. And however discreetly, he thrived on it. And they would bribe me, too. Differently, of course, for my needs were different, but essentially still a bribe. They would keep me in con trol, pliable, by dangling a young, beautiful, sexually exciting girl before me, a half-spoken agreement. And my own needs, which my telepathic father knew all too well, would do the rest. I felt sick at the knowledge of how nearly I had fallen into their trap. The festivities inside the ballroom were breaking up. The cadets had long gone back to barracks. A few lingerers were still drinking at the buffet, but servants were moving around, beginning to clear away. I strode through the halls toward the Faltron rooms, still alive with ge The central hall was deserted, but I saw a light in my father's room and went in without knocking. He was half-dressed, looking weary and off guard. "I want to talk to you!" He said mildly, "You didn't have to charge in here like a cralmae in rut for that." He reached out briefly and touched my mind. He hasn't done that much since I was grown up, and it made me angry that he should treat me like a child after so many years. He withdrew quickly and said, "Can't it wait till morning, Lno? You're not well." Even his solicitude added to my wrath. "If I'm not, you know who fault it is. What in the hell do you mean, trying to marry me off with out a word of warning?" He met my anger head-on. "Because, Lno, you're too proud and to damned stubborn to admit you need anything. You're ready, past reads for marriage. Don't be like the man in the old tale, who when the de bade him take the road to paradise, set off on the high-road to hell He sounded as raw as I felt. "Damn it, do you think I don't know how you feel?" I thought about that for a moment. I've wondered, now and then, i my father has lived alone all these years since my mother died. He'd certainly had no acknowledged mistress. I had never tried to spy on him, or inquire even in thought about his most private life, therefore I was doubly angered that he left me no rag of privacy to cover my na lednem, had forced me to strip myself n***d before Hastur and dis grace myself before my cousin Callina. "It won't work." 1 Blung at him in a fury. "I wouldn't marry the girl now if she was as beautiful as the Blessed Cassilds, and came dowered with all the jewels of Carthon!" My father shrugged, with a deep sigh. "Of course not," he said wea nly. When did you ever do anything so sensible? Suit yourself. I mar ned to please myself; I told Darkov I would never compel you." "Do you think you could?" I was still raging. "Since I'm not trying, what does it matter?" My father sounded as weary as I felt. "I think you're a fool, but if it helps you feel indepen dent and virtuous to go around with an ache in your"-to my surprise and shock he used a vulgar phrase from the Guard hall, one I'd never suspected him of knowing-"then be just as damned stubborn as you want. You're my son all right: you have no more sense than I had at your agel" He shrugged in a way that indicated he was through with the subject. "Threshold sickness? I have some kirian somewhere, if you need it." I shook my head, realizing that something, perhaps just the flooding of my system with violent anger, had dispelled the worst of it. "I had something to say to you, but it can wait till morning if you're not in shape to listen. Meanwhile, I want another drink." He started to struggle to his feet; I said, "Let me serve you, Father," and brought him a glass of wine, got one for myself and sat beside him to drink it. He sat sipping it slowly. After a time he reached out and laid a hand on my shoulder, a rare gesture of intimacy from childhood. It did not make me angry now. Finally he said, "You were at the Council. You know what's going on. "You mean Aldaran." I was glad he had actually changed the subject. "The worst of it is, I cannot be spared from Thendara, and what's more, I don't think I can make the journey, Lno." His barriers were down, and I could feel his weariness. "I've never admitted, before, that there was anything I could not do. But now," and he gave me his quick, rare smile, "I have a son I can trust to take my place. And since we've both defied Darkov r, Vandartha might not be too comfortable for you in the next weeks. I'm going to send you to Alsha as my deputy, Lno."

"Me, Father?"

"Who else? There is no one else I can trust so well. You did as well as I could have done on the fire-beacon business. And you can claim blood-kinship there; old Kermiac of Alsha is your great-uncle." I had known I was of the Alsha kin, but I had not known it was so high in the clan, nor so close. "Also, you have Persian blood. You can go and find out, beyond all rumors, what is really happening back there in the mountains. I felt both elated and uncertain about being sent on this highly sensi tive mission, knowing that Father trusted me with it. Darkov had spo ken of our duty to serve the Dover, our world. Now I was ready to take my place among those of our Domain who had done so for more generations than any of us could count. "When do I start?" "As soon as I can arrange escort and safe conduct for you. There's no time to be lost," he said. "They know you are heir to Dover. But you are also kinsman to Alsha; they will welcome you as they would never welcome me." I was grateful to my father for giving me this mission, then, a new feeling and a good one, I realized that the gratitude need not be all mine. He genuinely needed me. I had a chance to serve him, too, to do something for him better than he could do it himself. I was eager to begin.