The Apogian War

Chapter 66

walls like sand, hurling a rain of fire into the valley, showering fires on Caer Donn, laying the Terran base waste... images of fire and destruction, as a rider struggles with the bit of a hard mouthed horse. Too strong, too strong. I smelled musk, a wild beast I struggled with these prowled the jungle of my impulses, rage, l**t, a constellation of wild emotions... a small skittering animal bolting up a tree in terror... the shriek of the rotor blades, a scream, a deafening roar.... Slowly the noise lessened to a whine, a drone, a faint whir, silence. The copter stood vibrating faintly, motionless. Marjorie, still flickering with faint glimmers of invisible fire, stood calm, smiling absently. I felt her reach out and break the rapport, the others slipping away one by one until we stood alone, locked together. She withdrew her hand from the matrix and I stood cold and alone, struggling against spasms of l**t, raging violence spinning in my brain, out of control, my heart racing, the blood pounding in my head, vision blurred.... Beltran touched me lightly on the shoulder, I felt the tumult subside and with a shudder of pain managed to withdraw my consciousness. I covered the matrix quickly and drew my aching hand over my forehead. It came away dripping. "Zandru's hells!" I whispered. Never, not in three years at Arilinn, had I even guessed such power. Kadarin, looking at the helicopter thoughtfully, said, "We could have done anything with it." "Except maybe controlled it." "But the power is there, when we do learn to control it," Beltran said. "A spaceship. Anything." Rafe touched Marjorie's wrist, very lightly. "For a minute I thought you were on fire. Was that real, Lew?" I wasn't sure if this was simply an illusion, the way generations upon generations of the forge-folk had envisioned their goddess, the power which brought metal from the deeps of the earth to their fires and forges. Or was this some objective force from that strange otherworld to which the telepath goes when he steps out of his physical body? I said, "I don't know, Rafe. How did it seem, Marjorie?" She said, "I saw the fire. I even felt it, a little, but it didn't burn me. But I did feel that if I lost control, even for an instant, it would burn up inside and... and take over, so that I was the fire and could leap down and... and destroy. I'm not saying this very well...." Then it was not only me. She too had felt the weapon-rage, the l**t for destruction. I was still struggling with their physical aftereffects, the weak trembling of adrenalin expended. If these emotions had actually arisen from within me, I was not fit for this work. Yet, searching within

myself, with the discipline of the tower-trained, I found no trace of such emotion within me now. This disquieted me. If my own hidden emotions-anger I did not ac knowledge, repressed desire for one of the women, hidden hostility to ward one of the others-had been wrested out of my mind to consume me, then it was a sign I had lost, under stress, my tower-imposed disci pline. But those emotions, being mine, I could control. If they were not mine, but had come from elsewhere to fasten upon us, we were all in danger. I said, "I'm more disturbed than ever about this matrix. The power's there, yes. But it's been used as a weapon...." "And it wants to destroy," Rafe said unexpectedly, "like the sword in the fairy tale; when you drew it, it would never go back into the scab bard until it had had its drink of blood." I said soberly, "A lot of those old fairy tales were based on garbled memories of the Ages of Chaos. Maybe Rafe's right and it does want blood and destruction." Thyra, her eyes brooding, asked, "Don't all men, just a little? History tells us they do. Darkovans and Terrans too." Kadarin laughed. "You were brought up in the Comyn, Lew, so I'll forgive you for being superstitious." He put his arm around my shoul ders in a warm hug. "I have more faith in the human mind than in forge-folk superstitions." We were still linked; again I felt the strength that lifted a great weight from my shoulders. I let myself lean against him. He was probably right. My mind had been filled from childhood with these old gods and powers. The science of matrix mechanics had been formulated to get rid of that. I was a skilled technician; why was I letting imagination run away with me? Kadarin said, "Try again. Now that we know we can control it, it's all a matter of learning how." "It's always up to the Keeper to decide that," I said. It troubled me that Marjorie still deferred to me. It was natural enough, for I had trained her, but she must learn that the initiative was hers, to lead, not follow. She stretched her hand to me, setting up the primary line of force. One by one she brought us into the circle, each of us dropping into his appointed place as if we were scouts on a battlefield. This time I felt her touch Beltran, too, and place him so that he could maintain rap port just outside the circle. This time the force was easier to carry... chained fire, electricity firmly stored in a battery, a firmly bridled race horse....I saw the fire leap up around Marjorie, but this time I could see through it. It wasn't real, just a way of visualizing a force with no physical reality. We stood linked, holding the puling power suspended. If the Ter rans will not give us what we need and deserve, we can force them to it, we need not fear their bombs nor their blasters. Do they think we are barbarians armed with words and pitchforks? Clearly now, as the form of fire built up, I saw a woman, a sky-tall goddess clothed in flame, restlessly reaching to strike. fire raining on Cac Donn, mashing the city into rubble, star ships falling like comets out of the sky... Firmly Marjorie reached for control, like at one of those riding exhibitions where a single rider controls four horses with one rein, bringing us back to the physical airfield. It shimmered around us, but it was there. The helicopter blades began to hum again, to turn with a clattering roar. We need more power, more strength. For a moment I clearly saw my father's face, felt the strong line of rapport. He had awakened my gift, we were never wholly out of touch. I felt the amazement, the fear with which he felt the matrix touch him, momentarily draw him in.... He was gone. Had never been there. Then I felt Thyra reach out with a sure touch and draw Kermiac within the circle as if he had been physi cally present. For an instant the circle expanded with his strength, burning brilliantly, and the helicopter rose easily from the ground, hung there quivering, rotors spinning with emphasis and force. I saw, I felt Kermiac crumple, withdraw. The lines of force went ragged... Ka darin and I locked hard together, supporting Marjorie as she controlled the wavering forces, lowering, lowering. ... The helicopter bumped, hard, and the sound shattered the link. Pain crashed through me. Mar jorie collapsed, sobbing. Beltran had seized Thyra by the shoulders, was shaking her like a dog shaking a rodent. He swung back his hand and slapped her full in the face. I felt-we all felt-the stinging pain of that blow, "Vicious b***h! Damned she-devil," Beltran shouted. "How dare you, damn you, how dare you-" Kadarin grabbed him, pulled him from Thyra by main force. Beltran was still fighting, struggling. Cold terror clutching at me, I reached out for Kermiac. Uncle, have they killed you? After a moment, sick with re lief, I felt his presence, a thread of life, weak, collapsed, but alive. Alive, thank God! Kadarin was still holding Beltran off Thyra; he let him go, flinging him violently to the ground. He said, raging, "Lay a hand on her again, Beltran, and I'll kill you with my own hands" He hardly looked human Marjorie was crying, trembling so violently I feared she would fall at all now. senseless. I caught and supported her. Thyra put a hand to her bruised face. She said, trying to be defiant, "What a fuss about nothing! He's stronger than any of us!" My fear for Kermiac had turned to anger almost as great as Beltran's own. How dared Thyra do this against his will and Marjorie's judg ment? I knew I couldn't trust her, damned sneaking b***h! I turned on her, still holding Marjorie with one arm; she shrank away as if from a blow. That shocked me back to my senses. Strike a woman? Slowly, lowering my head, I thrust the wadding around the matrix. This rage was ours. It was as dangerous as what Thyra did. Marjorie could stand alone now. I put the matrix in her hand and went toward Thyra. I said, "I'm not going to hurt you, child. But what possessed you to do such a thing?" One of the strongest laws of every telepath was never to force another's will or judgment. The defiance was gone from her face. She fingered the cheek Beltran had struck. "Truly, Lew," she said, almost in a whisper, "I don't know. I felt we needed someone, and in days past this matrix had known the Aldarans, wanted Kermiac-no, that doesn't make sense, does it? And I felt that I could and I must because Marjorie wouldn't.. I couldn't stop myself, I watched myself do it and I was afraid...." She began to cry helplessly. I stepped forward and took her into my arms, holding her against me, her face wet on my shoulder. I felt a shaking tenderness. We had all been helpless before that force. My own emotion should have warned me, but I was too distressed to feel alarm. The feel of her warm body in my arms should have warned me, too, at that stage, but I let her cling to me, sobbing, for a minute or two before I patted her shoulders ten derly, wiped her tears away and turned to help Beltran rise. He stood up stiffly, rubbing his hip. I sighed and said, "I know how you feel, Bel tran. It was a dangerous thing to do. But you were in the wrong, too, losing your temper. A matrix technician must have control, must at all times." his face. He fumbled for words. I Defiance and contrition warred in should have waited for them-I was responsible for this whole circle but I felt too sick and drained to try. I said curtly, "Better see if any harm was done to the helicopter when it crashed." That also troubled me but I was too tired to care. I said, "Suit yourself. "From three inches off the ground?" He sounded contemptuous now. It's your craft. If this is what comes of having you in the circle, I'll make damned sure you're a good long way away from it." I turned my back on him. Marjorie was leaning on Rafe. She had stopped crying but her eyes and nose were red. Absurdly I loved her more than ever like that. She said in a small shaking voice, "I'm all right now, Lew. Honestly." I looked at the ground at our feet. It was covered with more than an inch of snow. You always lost track of time inside a matrix. It was snowing harder than ever, and the sky was darkening. The shaking of my own hands warned me. I said, "We all need food and rest. Run ahead, Rafe, and ask the servants to have a meal ready for us." I heard a familiar clattering roar and looked up. The other helicopter was circling overhead, descending. Beltran was walking away toward it. I started to call after him, summon him-he too would be drained, needing the replenishment of food and sleep. At that moment, though, my only thought was to let him collapse. It would do him good to learn this wasn't a game! We left him behind. I'd have an apology to make to Kermiac, too. It didn't matter that it had been done against my orders. I was operating the matrix. I had trained this circle. I was responsible for everything that happened to it. Everything. Everything. Aldones, Lord of Light. . . everything: Ruin and death, a city in flames and chaos, Marjorie.. I shook myself out of the maelstrom of misery and pain, staring at the quiet path, the dark sky, the gently falling snow. None of it was real. I was hallucinating. Merciful Avarra, if, after three years at Ari linn, any matrix ever built could make me hallucinate, I was in trouble! Kermiac's servants had laid a splendid meal for us, though I was so hungry I could as readily have eaten bread and milk. As I ate, the drained weakness receded, but the vague, formless guilt remained. Mar jorie. Had she been burned by the flare of fire? I kept wanting to touch her and make sure she was there, alive, unhurt. Thyra ate with tears running down her face, the bruise gradually swelling and darkening until her eye was swollen shut. Beltran did not come. I supposed he was with Kermiac. I didn't give a damn where he was. Marjorie self-cons ciously thrust aside her third plateful, saying, "I'm ashamed to be so greedy!" I began to reassure her. Kadarin did it instead. "Eat, child, eat, your nerves are exhausted, you need the energy. Rafe, what's the matter, child?" The boy was restlessly pushing his food around on his plate. "You haven't touched a bite."