Yearning To Be

I have a thought in my mind That I never had before. My life was happy, But your thoughts wherefore. My heart beats for you Although I don’t know who you are. My heart yearns for you Although you probably don’t even know that I exist. It’s a hard world Your absence makes it harder. Just thinking about it Is much too sadder. I want a release. Can you help me please? --------- She read it once. Twice. Thrice. She tried to tear it, but stopped midway; her eyes scrunching in thought and her teeth biting her bottom lip. Finally, she got up, frustrated and crazed, and ran out of my view. --------- She was an aspiring writer; whose studies weren"t really related to the same. But she knew that she couldn"t possibly turn her passion into her job. So she just wrote for herself. It killed her that she couldn"t share her work, but that"s how it had to be. She was long gone and sensing that she won"t be back soon I forced myself to study. I wasn"t really fond of engineering. Thinking back, I have no clue why I am doing it. Oh wait, I do know. A year ago I had finished my twelfth in Science with a percentage that can be considered average. I had parents who expected very high marks, but well, I am not a studious guy. I was thinking about doing a job. But everywhere I tried they had pretty meagre jobs. Something I would never do. With time I realized that if you do engineering you get a good pay package and pretty much a good life. But no one told me how irritating and worthless it would be. The only thing that made me feel good anymore was watching her. Am I glad that her bedroom window is right opposite from mine? Oh yes. I am not some creepy stalker or something. I just saw her one day through the window when she was singing to herself and combing her hair. It was something so natural that I was drawn to her. It felt as if time had stopped and I just wanted to observe her. The way she moved, a skip on her step. When she sat on the bed and smoothed her skirt, I felt like I could feel its texture from here. She was like my daily entertainment show. There are some people in the trains who have such dull lives that they pick fights to bring entertainment into their lives. Mumbai local trains being the best example of the above. I traveled regularly by train and had bitter-sweet experiences. Sometimes, people swear. I do too, but in my head. My mouth does the talking. I usually end up explaining Newton"s law of motion who complain about pushing, shoving, etc. Some people have a "no-touch" policy. The population of Mumbai and especially those who travel in trains is exponentially huge to have such a clause. The fact that I don’t use violence anymore is very surprising even to me. But more than anything it is relieving. She made me this person. Imagine this scenario- Someone pushes me slightly in the train, I push them back harder. Fight ensues. I am irritated the whole day. I fought with my teachers, friends, family; anyone who crossed me. That is who I was 2 years ago. Before I saw her. Before I saw how disgusted she looked when I got mad. Ever since I tried hard to stop getting mad when she was around. But she always seemed to hear me. So I stopped altogether. This meant many moments of frustration and exhaustion, but thoughts of her filled my empty heart. I was not quite sure what was happening. As of yet, she had just been a pesky girl, chubby and annoying. But now, she had managed to change me. Something which my mother couldn"t manage to do. My mother. What should I even say about her. I remember getting mad at people when they accuse my mother of spoiling me and my sister. She never spoiled us, she just took care of us like no other mom did. Maybe, she pampered us but so what? Mother"s whole life revolved around me and my sister. She did seem to favor me more. But after a point, I left the cocoon she built for me. That world was so far and I left my heart at home. All this made me a mad man. The puffs of smoke that left people"s mouth always fantasized me. The first time I tried it, I was so satisfied and didn"t need anyone with me. I was happy being alone. No family. I thought that this habit would go away once I get back home. But it was hard. I used to smoke more than I ate. The withdrawal symptoms were a pain. I couldn"t really smoke since my sister was onto me like a dog. But this suffering didn"t last long. I was more addicted to observing her than anything else. Maybe, I had transferred my fixation to her. I don"t know. Somehow, nothing helped me shift my focus from her. It has been years now. I am in a good -for -nothing job. The only thing prompting me to live is she. It is like her life is my soap opera; an entertainment. I can still recall her in her silk skirt and blouse. They were purple with a gold border. She always had minimal makeup on. But back then, I could not care less about her. Those days she came to my house often to play or for other ceremonies. I hated her. She was a tattle tale. Considering the fact that all the things that I did were barely by the book, it highly irritated me with her goody-goody persona. Because she was just a couple of years younger than me, we were always grouped together during games. I did not like that because she was a bad player (in every single game) and I would lose every game. Even when we played hide and seek, she cried every time she lost and refused to be the den (seeker). Ultimately, one of us would have to take the turn instead. That was so unfair and it always angered me the way she manipulated us like that. To avenge that, i always cheated and made sure she takes her turn repetitively. This was when we were kids, but now? I looked outside my window and caught a glimpse of her getting ready. She was probably going to college. ​My niece is a bundle of joy that fell into my lap. My sister never wanted a kid (rightly so), but her boyfriend did. I wasn"t very interested at first because kids freaked me out. Initially she looked like a worm; a caterpillar to be exact. Her limbs were bundled up very tightly with a cloth to help them grow faster. But with time, she took the place no one could ever take. I thought that my niece would make me forget about her. For a while, I didn"t even notice her. But, oh, I couldn"t have been more wrong. It turns out that she doted on my niece as well. I knew she loved kids a lot. That was one of her habits that irritated me a lot. It was surprising, the way we stopped hating on each other. The way we stopped talking.