Looking For A Lost Memory

Lost Track

I hate to admit this, but I've lost track of time. That rarely happens to me.

Although I didn't know the time or day it was, for the first time in days, I actually managed to sleep. Other days I didn't like today. The IV wires were still wrapped around my arms, forcing me to sleep on my back uncomfortably which caused me to get no sleep. Maybe it was the medication that finally put me to sleep. I woke up around 9 am with daylight flooding through the windows.

He was standing there. Hiding in the shadows.

Everything came flooding back at once.

I thought I was dreaming. I couldn't see him but I knew his silhouette too well. All of a sudden I wasn't in a hospital, I was back in Japan, at home, surrounded by silence and engulfed by darkness.

I couldn't move, I just froze, feeling my heart beating rapidly. I was trying to feel my arms and make them do something, anything, that could wake my body up. I felt a finger tracing along the line of my scar.

As he spoke I wrapped my fingers around the panic button to call someone. I feel the space I'm in get smaller and smaller. He came over to me in one sudden movement and pulled out a series of wires. I didn't know where they came from but

Then it was the IV machine.

Walk away. Stop. But I just grimaced in pain my jaw aching, my heart throbbing. I could feel myself losing consciousness and struggling to breathe. I lost count of the number of times he pressed on buttons randomly.

Stay awake. I couldn't. I pushed all my weight on the button.

"-The thing is, I never left in the first place."

I watched him slowly blend into the patches of daylight and jump out the window. I try to shout for help but nothing comes out.

I open my eyes and look around in confusion at my surroundings. I wake up in a cold sweat, too shocked to move but too afraid to stay still. The steady beeps of the machine, the curtains wide open, the blinding sunlight coming through. I squint and rub my eyes. I know what I saw, although it was a dream. The same dream iv3 been having ever since I was attacked. I feel sick. For the first time in years I feet grateful knowing I know how to defend myself. But I'm physically unable to do anything.

I'm here on my own, in a country I hardly recognize. For the first time in months, I feel homesick once again and have this desire to go back home even though I was trying to avoid going back in the first place.

I see Jessica standing in the middle of the room, surprised to see me awake. She turns around quickly hoping I didn't make eye contact with her but it's too late.

"Hey." I walk slowly towards him. I notice how drowsy he is.

There's a scar that goes from the top of his eyebrow, through his eyebrow, his eyelid and stops in the middle of his face and splits like a branch. It's like an invisible lighting bolt. Luckily it looks like it was stitched, so it's not as bulged as a scar usually would be. It was faint. It looked like it hurt.

It was an old scar, not from the fall. Old, but a young scar.

I catch her looking at my scar. I feel suddenly at unease knowing what she thinks. It's the first thing people notice when they see me.

"What's your name?" He asks coldly. I freeze, my hands start to clam up in panic. I slowly turn around to see him staring blankly at me.

"Jessica. I saw you fall." She breathes.

"I know. You startled me." He points out in a low voice. His eyes are wide open now, but his eyelids flicker as he tries to keep himself awake. He looks around and sighs. I wonder what he's thinking.

"What were you doing up there in the first place?" I argue trying to change the subject.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter." He tries to sit up but struggles and groans in pain.

"Don't move, you'll hurt yourself more than you already have," I say walking the bed to help him but he puts his hand forward to stop me.

"So you're the person who brought me here? He asks.

"What?"

He looks down, "Nothing. Thank you."

I stare at her drowsily unsure of what else to say, I internally groan. Why does she care so much? I can't help but notice her now, her skin glows against the sunlight, her hair seems neatly curled in loose brown curls that flow casually down her shoulders. She's wearing a collared flowered patterned blouse with two buttons undone. I look down curiously at her hands decorated in multiple bracelets, I smile when it reminds me of Akira. She has flowers in her hand, orchids, I wonder why she has them.

"The flowers?" He asks

"Oh, they're for something else." I lie.

"Oh." He says in disappointment. His eyes widen in alarm as if he suddenly remembered something.

She's talking. I don't know what to do if I should answer or play along as if I'm still half unconscious. My vision is still blurry, so I keep my eyes down. The first question that comes to mind.

"What happened to the girl, Emily?" He asks panicked. He tries to sit up again.

"She's okay. She's fine, she's with her family. As soon as the paramedics got there they managed to find her parents. She didn't say much about she was in the forest with you when I asked she just burst out crying and kept talking about you trying to retrieve a piece of jewellery?"

"Oh."

"I was looking for a dog. Their owner is a close friend of mine you see. I just came across this girl walking aimlessly." He explains.

"So you tried to help her look for her parents?" I ask suspiciously. 

"Listen. My family are not a fan of talking to strangers, but this girl looked mortified."

"I never said it was wrong to help her. I was just wondering why you were in the tree in the first place."

"It's a long story." He sighs.

When he looks back up I see something else in him. He has the kind of face that is able to catch someone off guard.

"How are you feeling?" I ask to fill the silence.

"How are you feeling?" He stares at me with an intense gaze that sends shivers and goosebumps across my skin, my heart feels like it's trapped at the back of my throat. He looks away and stares out of the window.

"Where were you coming from before you came by me?"

"A school trip. It's probably going to be the last trip and free time I have before I start university." I say.

"University?"

"Yeah. I'm in my last year of high school. I don't know if I got accepted yet but I've got high expectations. I'm planning to study Medicine to become a doctor one day."

"Right." He replies uninterested.

That's when it hits me. My admission form for a university was sent a while ago by my oh-so-perfect Uncle. I shut my eyes remembering everything he told me. She notices my eyes tensed, my brows arched in stress. I wince and groan in memory.

"What's wrong?" I ask in worry.

"Nothing. I just remembered something. I need to go university soon as well, I just never thought I'd be in another country for it. I kind of want to be back home. I wish I was back home." 

"Where's home for you?"

I'm surprised at her sudden interest in me.

"Japan. I've lived with Americans for a while though, that's why my English is so good."

"Why don't you go back then?" I ask. He scoffs and leans back in his chair.

"If only actions were as easy as saying the words. I'm not needed there right now. I'm fine here, I just need to get a job, to be out of my uncle's way."

"I'm sure things will work out. Give it time." He glares at me for a few seconds and shuffles around avoiding my eyes before he changes the subject.

"Plus I need to get out of here. I'm too used to places like these. I can't believe this place is going to be a part of you soon."

I almost forgot that I told him about my future plans to study at university to become a Doctor.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"I'm sorry if you feel different, but hospitals are just too depressing. Why do the colours have to be so bland, like mint green, blue and purple?"

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Mint green?" I burst out laughing.

She's laughing, like, actually laughing. I look at her curiously. Why haven't I heard her laugh yet? It's amazing, her eyes are almost fully closed, her face looks relaxed and her dimples show.

"At least the children's wards have more colour and imagination."

"No, I don't like the children's wards."

"Why?"

I notice the look her my face and how it looks like she really doesn't want to talk. 

"Sorry...." He stutters.

"It's okay. It's disheartening. I don't know it depends on the type of person you are. Seeing some of the kids in pain. Toddlers and babies are the worst. You can't even tell what they're feeling, what's wrong or how to make them feel better because they keep crying. Because that's the only thing they can do to communicate. Children that you know aren't going to make it is the worst feeling in the world."

"I'm sorry to hear that, "He says raising one eyebrow

"People that you know aren't going to make it is the worst feeling in the world, but they still smile and are happy. That's what motivates me the most. It's the parents that surprise me the most. Where do they get the strength? I just don't know how people cope there."

"Yeah. Well, this conversation got deep pretty fast don't you think?" He sighs.

"Why are you used to places like these?" I suddenly ask. He visibly tenses and avoids my eyes. 

"No reason."

I look out of the window with sudden dejection. I need to get out of here, now. I long to be back home, in bed and sleeping.

"Did you get the bracelet back anyway?" I ask.

"It belonged to someone I knew, I couldn't afford to lose it. That's why I was in the tree okay? That's all you need to know." He says sharply.

"Oh. Okay sorry." I reply hurtfully.

"It's okay." He replies.

His face softens for a moment before he turns away and exhales deeply. He yawns and returns his gaze to the windows.

"You can go outside you know, right? You're not locked in here."

"No, it's not that." 

"What is it then?" She asks. I stare at her for a while studying her face wondering if I can trust her. 

"It's nothing. You can go now. I wanted to go to sleep."

His face is clenched with hidden emotion but I don't say anything, maybe he's remembering something. I walk out of the hospital and throw away the flowers as soon as I see a bin.

I don't know how much I want to tell her. I want her to know everything. All of it. I've never talked to her properly, but it all makes sense. I probably sound stupid, but there's no other way to describe it.  

***

November 7

All I want to do is sleep. Nothing more but that and only that. Sunlight fills the room every day, no matter how much I try and ask for the curtains to remain closed, they refuse and leave them open. I've been here for only a few days although it still feels like the first day, it's all starting to feel all familiar to me. Just to know that this will be my reality soon, with my heart and lungs, it's scary to imagine. The radio near me plays softly, some tracks that I recognise and some that are new to me.

I've never felt so useless, washed up and angry with myself in my whole life.

She keeps coming back. Not that I'm complaining, I feel a strange sense of relief just to see her come again. I wonder why she didn't come in today.

***

A trip to New York means nothing to me if Janet is not here. I think she always knew I was secretly jealous of her being able to live in Brooklyn, so close to the atmosphere of central New York. She moved away a while ago from Philadelphia in the middle of high school, no matter how much she cried and said she hated her parents' decision, I'm pretty sure secretly wanted to go. As soon as I got the opportunity to meet up with her I took it.

I wait by a bus shelter with the sun peaking high in the sky, beating down rare warmth for November. A brisk icy breeze sweeps past hinting the oncoming snow and freezing temperatures New York is soon going to embrace. I pull my sweater over me some more and shiver against the cold. I start to wonder what's taking her so long when out of the corner of my eye I see Janet striding past casually, dressed protectively from the weather. Her braided hair resting on her shoulders. Abruptly she stops with a confused expression on her face glancing around until I wave my hand in the air and her eyes meet mine. Her face relaxes, with a smile she runs up to me excitedly and I embrace her fully.

"For a second I thought you ditched me." She jokes as she walks alongside me.

"Hi, it's so good to see you again." 

"Long time girl. Way too long for comfort."

"Same right back at you."

"Look at you! You've grown so much. Are you sure you haven't got a boyfriend yet that you're secretly keeping from me?"

"No." I laugh.

"Come on, all those guys back at High school and not one of them caught your eye?"

"I'm in my final year and you're in University studying Psychology and will be working soon. It can wait."

I forgot how careless Janet can be, seizing the opportunity for distraction at any moment. 

"Anyways thank you for giving me the keys to your apartment although you virtually don't even live there," I note. 

"No problem. Anything for you. Yeah. I know it's something that I'm working on. I know pretty much the walls are blank and there's barely any furniture since I haven't had the time to go there and furnish it. I'm always in different places these days so wherever I end up, I end up. I think it was a pretty bad idea to get it, I just thought it would be convenient for University. But I spend more time with my parents these days. How is he?"

When I explained to Janet a couple days earlier about how I came across Hirosha in a local coffee shop she was glaring at me with a perplexed expression on her face unsure where, to begin with asking questions. I didn't have time to fully explain the situation but she understood.  

"He's fine. He's better." I say.

"Has his family visited him yet?"

"I'm not sure if he has any, he barely mentions them. I asked the Doctors and Hirosha himself, I think he said he has an Uncle. He has people. " 

"Hmm. I need to see this guy. And why he's got you wrapped around his finger."

"What?"

"Why are you running around for a stranger, I don't remember you going to such great lengths for people? Unless he's good looking?" She smirks. 

"I just wanted to make sure he was okay, okay? I don't see what's the big deal." I say exasperatedly, "Let's just spend a day together for once without thinking about our outside lives." 

I link my arms with her and we see a new vintage store that recently opened on 42nd street. Without a thought, we go and investigate. We spend the rest of the day walking through the escaping atmosphere of New York.