Looking For A Lost Memory

18

Although he was still conscious, his eyes kept rolling back.

The smell of hand sanitizer creeps up my nose and stings my sleep deprived eyes, the intimidating, endless corridors splashed with blue paint causes this dizzy feeling to overwhelm me, overhead the lights are blinding - everything too familiar to me.

"So, we have a 19 year old, Male, multiple injuries to the head, neck..."

The atmosphere of the hospital is like a still lake undisturbed and calm throughout. My eyes stay glued to his bruised face, covered in crimson scratches due to the fall from the tree and the debris that were on the ground. I wince when the image replays in my head and reassure myself that he's going to be fine. The corridors of the hospital seem endless, my footsteps echo and my boots rhythmically click against the floor, I begin to slow down and walk at a distance, while I watch him get taken away for care.  

I stand alone in an empty corridor unsure of what to do. I glance at the clock hanging above a doorway surprised at the amount of time that had passed. I look around sheepishly and clap my hands together. He was safe now. I could go home. Yet, I didn't feel great at all knowing he was still unconscious. Suddenly the thought of leaving him seemed absurd.   

I approach the receptionist and clear my throat before speaking.

"Sorry, what time is it?" She glances up, eyes creased in annoyance.

"It's 7 pm." Her voices trails and she continues typing on the computer.

"Oh." I pull my hand from the desktop and look around nervously. By now I should have arrived home. I start to imagine all the scenarios my parents would think of because of my delay.

Other doctors quickly rushed in and did the things they normally did. They begin to ask me about his family, contacts and the reason he was in a tree. Doors were slamming and the sounds of wheels dragging across the floor, bells and silence overloading my eardrums at the time. Someone approaches me dragging out of my thoughts.

"He'll be okay, he's under our care." A nurse reassures me. I want to believe her, but I can't bring myself to leave.

I stare at her with my eyes piercing back into hers. I can't go home, not yet, she can't make me. Being in Canada was a relief me basically running away from my fear

"I promised him, that I'd stay with him." I lie.

"Okay. I have to go," She sighs loudly glancing at her watch.

***

"Is he okay?" I got to my feet too quickly a wave of dizziness hit me, desperate to see if him. I walk into the room he was admitted to, to see that he was fine.

I reach over to take his hand. Realizing how out of place I was I pull my hand back but I felt his grip which was strong and healthy.

He opens his eyes and I smile weakly.

Out of the blurred fragments of my vision, I could see her. But I felt my heart increase in pace hard. I can feel myself suffocating.

But I could still see panic rich in his eyes like something was wrong.

"He's not stable... what's wrong with him?" I ask my voice heavy with fatigue. 

"I did, he's fine, it's normal to be a little unstable. All he needs is a little rest. I'm the doctor here not you." She mumbles but it was loud enough for me to hear. She leaves the room and after a while, I notice that he's no longer conscious.

Without a second thought, I stumble forward into the cool corridors searching for a person, I ran forward into the cross-section, my the echoes of my boots filling the air. When I finally find someone, everything comes out in a blur of words, I can't hear myself think.

I scream so hard that I feel my throat burn, but nothing comes out and I feel myself engulf in shadows.

Drowning.

Sometimes my mind finds itself wandering. For some strange reason the second darkness falls around me, Maria crosses my mind like the speed of thunder. 

I see her shaking her head in dismay of how arrogant I was. Maria was as equal arrogance too, but with control. You'd think positives and positives repel, that's the science. Not me and Maria. I remember drawing into the sands of Brazil almost as if it was just last night.

That force of repelling has this addiction but at least it was still a feeling

***

November 4 

Hirosha Leon Hamada is his name. I never bothered to ask. I only managed to find out today.

To my surprise, I slept for a long time and woke up late around 1 pm. Which is good enough, my only supply to keep me awake being coffee. I hate coffee. I'm not a sleeper which doesn't work out for me so if I'm up on the ceilings at 3 am no one should be surprised. I'm forcefully drinking caffeine to stay awake for him.

Once the doctors and the officials found out everything, they explained in clear detail.

For the rest of the day, it went in the same order as it had been for the last few days. Me chasing down corridors, listening to random excuses, reminders of how I should go home and checking on him randomly. It didn't feel right leaving him, my conscience won't let me. Every time I'd try to bring myself to leave the images and the guilt would play back in my mind. Him lying motionless on the ground. I just needed to know if he would wake.

Maybe I really am traumatized, maybe it's the guilt taking control. Whatever it is, I don't care.

***

He still wasn't waking up

She still wasn't leaving.

I'm now used to the late hours, outside being dark with only a couple of lights on, with orange street lights flooding in through the barred windows. My parents didn't mind when I told them I was staying back, the conversation went surprisingly well. Although I lied to them half the time, they believed it, I know the lie won't hold forever. I managed to find a place to stay for a couple of days not too far from the hospital. I couldn't leave until I knew he was okay. I never told any of my close family members or friends the reason I stayed behind. Hopefully, they'll never know.

When I came back from a school trip I didn't plan on coming straight to a hospital. All I wanted to do was stay in bed reading or spend a day with my friends before school got intense. I roll my eyes back in memory and headed back to his room to retrieve my coat. All I want to do was stay here. Slowly, I'm starting to realize how attached I am to him.

I walked in, disappointment setting in my stomach. He still hadn't woken up. I don't know why in the first place I expected him to wake up. I just need to know if he's okay. He has to be.

She's here. Open your eyes.

The blood, scars and cuts had been cleaned up revealing his face. He's handsome. I didn't expect it, hence, I didn't pay attention before. His hair curls beautifully and dangles over his forehead, his mouth slightly parted, thick eyelashes flickering and wavering. I start to wonder what is going through his mind.

Thoughts swirling, moving, travelling and running, trapped.

I notice that his eyelids are moving. My eyes widen and I rush back next to him. They continue fluttering and rolling.

All I can see is black and bright lights. If only I could open my eyes. They're almost open. I decide to give up and I plunge back into the darkness. I feel a massive headache coming on just by trying.  

I slump my shoulders in disappointment. Surely a fall from a tree couldn't be this bad. I pick up my coat and make my way to the door, silently hoping that if I turn around he'd be awake. I look back one more time, just to hear the steady beeping of the monitor.

Don't go. Stay.

I make my way over to Brooklyn in the early dawn break to see the sun emerging on the horizon, I'm in sudden realization of how long I've been at the hospital. I lose myself in the surroundings again.

Even though everything is dark, New York fails to lose the infectious energy that constantly radiates. It's the best time to see New York, just before the rush of people shopping for the holiday seasons, the sidewalks are empty, the slow progressing hours of the work rush hour, and restaurants open at every corner.

Wait a bit longer. She's gone.

***

November 5

I think I've been so caught up in hoping he was okay and making sure that he was fine that when he really did wake up I didn't know what to do.

I froze.

I felt her being there.

Maybe he knew I was there.

Weakly he opened his eyes, they were rolling, looking around the room groggily, until his long cluster of lashes and dark eyes set on me.

I saw her face before, maybe that's why I couldn't let go. I had to wake up. When I fell I could see a bit of her but not all of her. I have a hazy memory. I never expected her to look like this. Jessica is standing over me staring deeply with a blank expression as if she was looking for something down my eyes like a lost memory. I guess I was doing the same.

She had wavy brown frazzled hair and cool brown eyes, light brown freckles scattered randomly across her face, and brown skin that looked like it glowed against the light.

It was her skin that got me first.

It's like my eyes were in a literal trace.

Why was she looking at me that? It's my scar. It has to be. It buzzed against my face uncomfortably. Say something. Try to tell her.

Suddenly her face slowly unfocused, white and black spots came in her place.

His eyes soon rolled back and he fell back unconscious. It only lasted a few seconds but it was like he was telling me something.

I fell back into the darkness and let it swallow me back in. I'm somewhere else. Walking through knee-deep snow, coming back from a snowboarding session. It reminds me of the mornings in Tohoku, the days I used to play snowball fights with all the kids in the area. The cold frost fresh on my fingers and me running. When I was healthy, without a clue of what I have to face later on.

It's the first glimpse of movement from him for a couple of days. After I explained to the doctors they said it was a good sign, but it still would take some time for him to fully recover. His memory was hazy due to head injuries, he injured his leg and arm, other than that he had a few severe bruises and a few burns.

There should be something holding me back, but there's nothing. To my surprise, he's awake but drowsy. I lean back in my chair trying to arrange my thoughts so they don't come out stupidly.  

"It's good seeing you again," I whisper in the dark with no reply but it never feels like I'm talking to no one.

I hear her warm voice in the background greeting me.

I tell myself not to fall for it.

"Are you going to wake up anytime soon?" I said gazing at the cast on his leg and the bandages wrapped around his arms and forehead. She goes silent for a while before exhaling deeply.

"I caused you to fall didn't I?"

"I don't know I just saw you there and for some reason, I might have startled you and you fell." She says her voice shaking.

"I don't know why I'm here, I should've got back home by now. I just need you to wake up. I know you can't but I want you to, I want to help."

You've done enough. It's the guilt talking, it has to be, nothing more.

She goes quiet after a while, weakly I open my eyes to see that she's gone.

***

I find the nearest payphone to call my Mother, knowing it's been a while since I called her.

"How come you're not back yet? What's going on? I told you to come straight home." She says sharply. Knowing my Mum she probably won't be able to sleep at night until she can see me. I try to hide the fact I'm not in the mood to talk but I fail miserably as my voice begins to crack."Look I know, I know, I'm coming down... soon." I reply."Are you sure? Do you need me to get your brother to come and get you?"

"I'm okay. I'll be back soon." I quickly hang up before she had the chance to talk me out of staying.