Mind, Body, and Heart

I was never the beauty of the bunch, or the brains. I have always been pretty average. I'm a little tall around 5 foot 8, and I have an athletic build, never a six pack or anything, but I always had good definition in my legs and was never really too thin or too curvy or too heavy. Just always average. My hair is mostly light brown, sometimes with a little copper hint sometimes a little blonde in the summer and my eyes are about the same color, *sigh* and I am white.... Like elmers glue white... except when I am sunburned, but after I heal I am right back to white. So I've never been an eye catcher, but I was a romantic at heart. I had mental fantasies of the Disney channel teenage romance. Finding the prince charming guy, being all cute and dating, but instead I ended up being the third wheel most of the time.  I was always the best friend. I was the best friend of the person my crush liked or was dating. In junior high is was Steve. Steve was a sweet guy. We hung out in the same friend circle. He played guitar, he was taller than me, which is important to me, I like a guy I can look up to. He was smart, all honors classes. We were in a school play together, just minor parts but it was fun. He danced with me behind the curtains and we laughed together, pretending to be a couple in our Edwardian costumes. But theatre and acting was as far as any romance would go between us. He was perfect boyfriend material, and he was totally into my best friend... Then there was Josh. Nice guy, down to earth country boy. I met him at church in youth group. A good christian boy. He was great at basketball, a bit quiet, shaggy blonde hair and broad strong shoulders, but he was interested in my cousin... Then there was Jeremy. He was a football player and I was in the marching band so we'd see each other at games, but we also had chorus together. He had a really pretty baritone voice. I thought he might be into me, maybe? He asked if I was going to homecoming and I hadn't planned on it, dances were not really my thing, but he said he would like it if I came. So I got dressed up, did my hair and make-up, a rarity for me, and went to the dance. I found him on the dance floor grinding away at a girl that wasn't me... The list went on... By the time I was 17 I had never dated, been kissed, nothing. As far as I knew I was completely undesirable to the male species. I was perpetually friend zoned. It didn't help that I was quiet and a bit shy in new situations, and life had taken a few very unexpected turns, leaving me with zero self confidence and a terrible self image. That is when I met my first boyfriend. I was in my senior year of high school. My mom had gotten sick and we, my mom, brother and I, moved into my uncle's house. A year and a half prior I had moved states, from New York, where I was born, to South Carolina, where I found myself completely out of place. My whole world felt upside down and I perpetually felt like an outcast, probably one of the reasons I ended up dating Kyle. Kyle was an average guy. He had black hair, tan skin and brown eyes. He wasn't very tall but he was fit. He was cute in a slightly punk way. He came from a big family, 5 siblings, and his parents had a large house with a pool. My cousin was friends with him, she was friends with everybody, the complete opposite of me in personality, and so we often got invited over for swim parties and to hang out for the day. We'd swim for a few hours, play video games and pool in the pool house, then settle in the home theater for a movie and ice cream sundaes. I often felt out of place with the group though. They all knew each other for years and I was a new comer. I didn't know their inside jokes, and definitely knew nothing about who was playing for Clemson or the Braves that year. So, at some point I would drift outside. Kyle's family lived out in the woods, pretty far from town. There were no street lights and very few outside lights. So, at night the sky was bright with stars.  I like stars. They are quiet, calm, steady, constant. Unless you change hemispheres you will always see the same stars. Orion, Draco, Ursa Major and Minor, for spotting them is almost like seeing old friends. They brought me a sense of order to my chaotic teenage existence.  It was during one of these star gazing escapes that Kyle approached me for the first time.