Chapter 1: Reflecting…the age of 40

These are heartfelt words for those who, approaching their late 30s, still feel like they're starting from scratch. Nearing the threshold of 40, life feels uncertain and unsteady amidst the chaos of the world. Around you, friends are thriving—some with successful careers, wealth, and status, others with happy families. Life, at its core, seems to revolve around two essentials: love and money. Love is vast and boundless; money, concrete and tangible. But what do I have? In my parents' eyes, I am the most useless and unsuccessful person alive because I have neither. In some aspects, quality matters more than quantity. But for me, at this moment, what do I truly have in hand? Ironically, what I possess seems to lean heavily on quantity rather than quality. Is this what I hoped for? Not at all. What I yearned for was something singular and meaningful. Yet, perhaps unknowingly, I steered myself down a different path—lost and misguided. Looking back on nearly 40 years of life, what do I have? Perhaps the only thing I truly own is my own experiences, which have shaped a unique story that belongs solely to me. By the age of 35, I could have had a relatively stable life, with reasonable income and the ability to provide a comfortable life for my parents. Instead, I chose to turn the page, taking a new and uncertain path. This journey has been filled with challenges, instability, and hardships, leading to both hope and despair. At this age, I’ve worked for numerous companies. The number of men who have crossed my life is nearly half my current age, though only three relationships were significant enough to be named and counted by years. I’ve turned down five marriage proposals, with just one coming from one of those three relationships. Along the way, I’ve gained two lifelong friends. Though I haven’t been fortunate enough to have complete happiness, life has compensated me with moments of joy from scattered pieces. And so, I must express my gratitude—to life, to my parents, to my loved ones. I am thankful for my teachers, sisters, friends, brothers, and even strangers who have come into my life. Now, what should I do with the remaining journey ahead? Should I isolate myself in despair, or continue with optimism, standing resilient amidst the storms of life? I can share my thoughts, but ultimately, only I can truly understand and lift myself up. Life is impermanent—who knows if we’ll still be here tomorrow? This sentiment, often reflected upon nowadays, serves as a reminder to cherish the present moment and the life we have right now. The more I think about this, the more I feel compelled to engage in charitable deeds—not to accumulate virtue for myself, as others often advise, but simply to ease the burden in my heart. I need to spend more time with my family. I need to hone my skills, learn more languages, and love myself more. As for everything else, who knows what the future holds? It’s uncertain, isn’t it? Perhaps that’s just how the next chapter of my life will unfold…