TAMED SERIES 3: RAFAEL AVILA

Kabanata 17

Caya

Rafael and I spent the last few days of the cruise watching classic films, playing indoor sports, parasailing, having sexy time in his cabin, and basically living our best lives. I didn't expect our experience together to be this good but here we are now, halfway from passing out while giggling in his cabin's balcony.

"Cheers," he said.

Pinag-umpog niya ang hawak naming beers ngunit imbes na tunggain ang mga bote ay hinawakan niya ako sa aking batok saka siya yumuko upang halikan ang aking mga labi.

My eyes shut as I answered his kisses. Nang maghiwalay ang aming mga labi ay ngumisi siya bago muling iniumpog ang hawak na bote sa boteng hawak ko.

We drank the last of our beers before he opened two new bottles. Sumalampak kami sa sahig ng balcony at pinanood ang malawak na kalangitang hitik sa bituin. There's not much to see in the ocean since it's pretty dark. Kung tutuusin ay nakatatakot tingnan kapag gabi kaya mas gusto ko na lamang tingalain ang langit.

"Tell me something embarrassing that happened to you when you were little," he said.

Bumaling ako sa kanya. "Uhm, let's see." I thought about it for a second. "I was six and I was gonna join an audition but just when I was about to see the director, I fell on my face and my front teeth were broken. I cried so hard but I didn't wanna miss the audition. I ran towards the audition room with broken teeth and a bloody white dress, bawling my eyes out while reciting a happy monologue."

"Please tell me you got the role?"

I scoffed. "Nope. I didn't. The other young girls made fun of me. I thought about giving up my dream because of that day but a week later, I got a call from another director. He said I was perfect for a role as the young Bea Alonzo. That's how my career actually started."

He smirked. "My name came from JL's role in Finally Found Someone."

"I know. Napansin ko na puro John Lloyd and Bea roles ang pangalan ninyong mga Ortega." Sumimsim ako sandali sa aking bote bago muling nagsalita. "What about you? What's the most embarrassing thing you've done?"

"Lose my license for a woman? Become a side boy? Spend some time in jail?" He faked a grin. "I've done a lot of embarrassing things, Caya."

I sighed. "You did all that because you fell in love, Rafael. We all make stupid decisions in life. Wala namang perpekto. Ang importante naman natuto tayo sa pinagdaanan natin."

Rafael ran his fingers onto his hair. "I hope I can just take the lessons with me and just forget about the memories." He smirked. "But it doesn't work that way."

"Kapag nagkita kayo ni Jaysel, do you think you'd still feel the same love you had for her before?" I asked.

"I doubt that." He smirked. "Not when I already realized that I didn't want that kind of love."

"Thank goodness." I licked my lips. "Hindi mo naman talaga deserve 'yon. I hope makahanap ka ng babaeng iva-value rin ang mga ginagawa mo."

Rafael scoffed. "Nah, I think I'd rather grow old alone than take another risk. It might not be obvious but men get traumatized by relationships, too. I don't think I'm ready to take that risk again."

Bahagyang nanikip ang aking dibdib. Tama ba ang dinig ko? He will not risk his heart again for another love even if it has a potential to be a healthy relationship?

Lumunok ako. "M-Malay mo naman mag-work na."

"I'm done, Caya. Siguro kahit ma-in love ako ulit, I'd rather keep my feelings to myself." He drank his beer then sighed. "After all, I don't wanna bring my traumas to another relationship and ruin the next woman I'd fall in love with."

I sighed. Nakalulungkot isiping may mga gaya ni Rafael na hindi na handang sumubok muli. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi. His last relationship f****d him up so much, at hindi naman talaga madaling kalimutan ang mga pinagdaanan niya.

I jugged my beer and watched the stars. Maya-maya ay narinig naming naging romantiko ang awiting ipinatutugtog sa bar area. Abot ang tunog hanggang dito kaya nang magkatinginan kami, sabay namin inilapag ang aming beers saka kami tumayo.

As if we were reading each other's minds, Rafael placed my hands on his nape before he held me onto my waist. Tumitig sa isa't isa ang aming mga mata habang marahan kaming sumasayaw sa awitin.

I felt so lost in the moment. Tila umikot ang mundo para sa aming dalawa. There was this warm feeling clawing my heart, taming it until it finally beat slowly . . . and it felt so good.

Akala ko noon, dapat mabilis ang t***k ng puso kapag kinikilig, ngunit heto ako ngayon, walang ibang nadarama kun'di kakaibang kapayapaan habang nakikipagsayaw sa lalakeng alam kong hindi ko maaaring hangaan.

I . . . could feel it now. I am slowly developing romantic feelings for Rafael, but I can't let him know that because he's afraid. Ang tangi kong pwedeng gawin ay sulitin na lamang ang natitirang mga araw hanggang sa tuluyang maghiwalay muli ang aming mga landas.

I shut my eyes as I rested the side of my head on his chest. Napabuntonghininga ako nang marinig ang kalmadong t***k ng kanyang puso. It felt so in synched with my heartbeat. Ang sarap-sarap pakinggan.

"Caya . . ." tawag niya sa malumanay na tinig.

"Hmm?"

"Can you do me a favor once we're back in the country?" he asked.

Tiningala ko siya. "What is it?"

He tucked my hair behind my ear before he rested his palm on my cheek. His eyes were gloomy as if something is hurting him within. At kahit hindi siya magsabi, tila . . . umaabot sa aking puso ang kirot na nararamdaman ng dibdib niya ngayon.

"Can you . . . keep this in your memory? Pwede bang . . . kahit hindi na tayo mag-usap pa pagbalik ng Pilipinas, huwag mo akong kakalimutan?" he asked. Malumanay naman ang kanyang boses ngunit tila naroroon ang pagsamo. Nagkukubli sa malamlam na mga matang nakatitig pabalik sa akin.

A faint smile made its way to my lips. "Will you do the same?"

He reached for my hand and made we twirl then caught me on my waist again. This time, we finally wrapped his arms around my small frame, locking me in my temporary home.

"I will," he whispered. "I will always remember you especially on my bad days."

Basag akong ngumiti. "Why do we have to end our connection when we can still see each other—"

"We have to." Lumunok siya't ikinulong ang aking magkabilang pisngi sa kanyang palad. "Because I will never forgive myself if someday I'd break you. I am . . . too f****d up for you, and I don't want you to cut yourself just to put me back together. That's . . . not what you deserve."

Humapdi ang sulok ng aking mga mata sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan kaya imbes na sumagot ay tumingkayad na lamang ako't hinalikan ang kanyang mga labi.

Rafael held me by my nape and kissed me back in a slow yet passionate way. Our eyes shut, and as Rafael branded my lips, I asked for one thing in every star that's lighting up the sky.

His healing . .