Beautiful and Better (ENGLISH)

Eleven

I saw how my brother held Matthew and pulled him away from me. I tried to follow them, but Tate grabbed me before reaching where Matt and Thorin went. I tried to fight back, but even if my body was more prominent than him, he was still stronger than me. 

“Tate, let go! I need to follow Thorin. He might do something on Matt,” I beg on him, but he sadly smiled.

“Sorry, baby. But please cooperate with us. You need to go back, or your Matt might end up losing both his career and the reason why he's in that industry.”

With that word, I stop wincing and let him guide me to wherever he is going. I didn’t fight back anymore. I was so tired of fighting with them over the things I can’t control. 

It’s not a threat. He’s not rating me for stating what they can do over the man I love. So right now, I’m choosing to stop. I need to give them a reason to stop hurting Matt, which was to break up with him. I can no longer watch them pulling him over and over again. 

I kept on crying, thinking that would be the last time I'll see Matt. I love him, I do, but that love is not enough to protect him from all the pain my family can give him. Because my love for him only brings pain and bad experiences. 

"Can't I talk to him? I'm going to break up even the last time, Tate, please," I begged him. 

He watched me for a while before calling Rion. They did not want me to come here again. But I begged that even for the last time, I could talk to him. I want to say goodbye. 

"We'll give this to you, but for the last time, but you have to break up with that man," Rion ordered me. 

Even if it’s against my will, I just closed my eyes to Rion. I can still see the questions in Matt's eyes. Questions I don't know if I can answer yet. Because of the little chance we have together, we still have to make the most of everything and what we want to say.

Slowly I approached Matt, who was lying on one side and leaning against the wall. When I stopped in front of him, he looked up and smiled at me.  

"I'm fine, Tally. Don't cry," he whispered weakly.  

If only I could not cry while seeing him like this.  If only I could face him like a rigid wall.  But I know that I can’t meet him, and I am weakening. How many times have I struggled to stop myself from crying? When I crouched in front of him, he immediately touched my cheek and wiped away my tears.

All words, even how many times I tried to understand, there’s none. That even a few years after all this prayer, I still have to let go. 

There are loves that even some sacrifices you make are still not enough.

"What are you saying, sugar? I'm fine, don't worry about me. Your brothers will also get tired of hurting me," he smiled at me as he squeezed my hand. It seemed to make me feel that I could trust him. But as with the first decision I’ve, I still have to break up with him.

"I'm sorry, Matt. But thank you for reaching here. Thank you for your love, but we are only up here. Let's stop all this. Please always be careful,” I said and kissed him on the cheeks.

"What are you saying, Tallulah? You’re confusing the hell out of me!" 

"I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you!" I promise before standing up straight. 

I can still hear him calling me. But I didn't bother to look at him anymore. Because by the time I turned around, I might have reversed the decision I had made. Sorry, Matthew, I love you, so I'm going to let you go. 

When the time comes, and I can fight for you, I will automatically go if you still accept me. I hope you understand that my reason is superficial, but I would not do it if it were not for his good. 

"Finished?" Thorin asked as I got back in the car. 

I just looked at him and got in the car as if I had heard no one. When I entered the vehicle, they ordered Tate to drive. We did not return to the mall because Tate was now going straight home. Inside the car, we did not have a word at all. I also don't want to talk to them. I might be able to say bad things. Somehow they are still my brothers, and I always respect them. 

"I'm hungry. Do you want food Tally cook--" 

When I got out of the car, I went straight down and entered the house. I ignored Tate, who was still asking me questions. I want to stay away from the first. Because every time I see them, I remember what they did to Matthew over and over again. It is tiring to understand their reasons. 

Entering the room, flowers welcome me. When I looked at the letter that was there, it came from the person I hated. I took the flower and dropped it on the terrace. I don't care if the owner of that flower was still inside the house. I hate them all even more. 

One by one, I removed the clothes I was wearing while walking into the bathroom. I want to relax, but I also want to pour out all the resentment I have now. Resentment to everyone around me. 

We have these opportunities in life that we need to be missed because we can’t just grab it. Along with the flow of water in my body was the relentless pouring of my tears. Tears are a witness to all the pain and remorse I have right now. If I could take it all back, I wouldn’t have done it. I wish I had avoided him before so that we would never reach this point again. 

Then when I take a bath, I go down for a while to get some wine. I want to get drunk and drown myself until I forget. Until I can no longer remember the pain I had.

The pain made me feel worthless. 

Matthew was the first man I ever loved like this.  Matthew is also the man I dedicated everything to. However, I do not want to leave him necessary because I also do not want him hurt. So tomorrow, I will be forced to be okay. I will be forced to forget everything and move on again. I need to prove to them that I was over with Matt. So, for now, I will drown myself in alcohol until my heart is numb. 

Until I can’t feel the pain they cause me today. 

I woke up early to enter the office. I adjusted the peplum's maroon top that I also paired with the skirt. I am not with Ari now; Thorin is my driver. We have a driver, but they don't trust me, so I just let them do what they want because people here might lose their jobs if they insist.

"I want coffee," I informed Thorin. So I was forced to go to a cafe for my coffee.

"You still mad at me?" he asked while he looked around while we were on the drive-thru.

“Why do I have to be mad at you?" I raised my eyebrows when I looked at him.

He was silent at what I said. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy with them as if everything is okay.

When I arrived at the office, they immediately greeted me warmly. Because my parents said, I got sick, so that’s why I disappeared for a few days.

"Welcome back, Ms. Tally."

"Ms. Stevenson, welcome back."

Some employees in my department greeted me. But others we’re star-struck with a brother as if he is a famous actor and does not care with everybody around him. It's funny that even though he is rude, the women insist on him.

"Can't you smile at the employees?" I whispered to him as he accompanied me, walking to my office.

"Why? Am I required to smile at our own company?" He answered as he frowned at me.

I just shook my head before I passed through him. When I entered my office, I found Ari sitting there. It looks like she’s been waiting for a while and will catch up with me. Since she is not allowed at home and I am also not allowed to use the phone, she has no news on what happened.

"What happened? Are you all alright? Did they hurt you? Or are you going to marry Pendleton?" She asked when my brother left. "Hey, Tallulah! It would be best if you answered me. It's annoying as if no one has heard me."

"Do you see if I'm okay?"

"No."

"I already answered your question. So stop asking, " I hissed on her, but she pouted.

She sat down on the sofa again and was depressed. She seems even more troubled than me. While I lost my boyfriend, I was slapped, and maybe next time, I will lose my family. After Ari left, my secretary came in and placed an envelope.

"Where did it come from?" my brows furrowed when I turned to her.

"I just saw that on my desk. It was addressed to you, so I did not ask anyone else," she said.

Though I was curious too, I opened the letter. And my eyes almost widened when I saw whose name was written there.

The letter was from Matthew.

I stood up and locked the door of my office. Because my Dad or the rude brother might come in. My hand was still shaking as I opened the letter. It was as if the rhythm of my heartbeat depended on the note.

Sugar,

I do not know what reason you have to leave me. But I'm afraid I have to disagree that we need to break up. I will not stop until I can fight for you. I will prove to them that I love you dearly, and I will do everything to make them like me even if they cripple my two legs. So I hope you don't treat me like that and I can’t let you go. It seems like it's too fast for you to leave me.

I will heal all my wounds first, and we will meet one day again.

I love you,

Matt 

Every time my tears dripped, I immediately wiped them away because Thorin might catch me crying again. I don't want them to see me in this look also and think about what happened to Matthew.

I applied a thick concealer to my eyes to get rid of the swelling and redness. Because my family is curious and will ask. Fortunately, my secretary is not talkative, so somehow, I still have an ally. I received a few more letters from Matt in a week. It was as if we were living in that ancient time, making a communication.

"Ms. Tally telephone, line 2," Bea knocked on my door.

I just came from a meeting with the new designs of a condo building that we are developing.

"Tallulah Stevenson, speaking," I greeted on the phone as I answered it.

"Hello, sugar,"

"Oh my god! Matthew," I covered my mouth in shock. When I turned around to Bea, she just smiled at me.

"Miss me? Because I f*****g miss you right now."

"How did you find out about my phone here? Wait, are you okay? Are your bruises good? How are you? Who is taking care of you?" I ask him worriedly.

But he just answered me with a series of laughs. It was as if something funny had happened to him. I'm worried, but he still laughs at me as if I was joking.

"Nothing funny!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just happy that after you break up with me, you were still worried about me," he replied thoughtfully.

A part of me seemed to be caressed by what he said because even I am happy to hear him like this. That the letter is still not enough and I can read his stories.

“I miss you!" I said at the same time, losing sobs that I had been suppressing before.

"We can do it. Everything will be fine too."

He convinced me. I hope everything goes well and after this test we have. I hope one day they will accept that I can take care of myself. That I can stand up for all the decisions I make in life that I am no longer a child that they still need to protect over and over again.

I spent all my time talking to Matt. I don't care if Dad catches me now as long as I'm happy.

When I came out after talking to Matt for a few hours, I thanked Bea, who just answered me with a smile. If it weren't for her, I might not be able to talk to Matthew. I might still be inside, crying my heart out.

"You're happy?" Ari sat on me.

"Why can't I train myself to smile?" I answered her mocking.

"Nasty! Soon you’re going to have a new love life," I threw a nasty look at her as I turned around.

Right now, I have no trust in people other than myself and Matt. I was afraid to trust again and get hurt over and over again. It's hard to get up alone, especially when no one believes you can.

All I want now is to keep our little secret a secret.