Coming from Nothing

Future

Marie: “Hey Nathan, how did it go exploring things that you enjoy?”

Nate: “I really enjoy singing…that was as far as I got.”

Marie: “That is fine, finding things you enjoy can be a process that takes time. I thought you might like singing; music is very artistic and from what you told me…I thought you may discover that.”

Nate: (Reads his journal entry to Marie)

Marie: “It sounds like Kayla left a big impression on you. Do you like her?”

Nate: “I think I really like her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and for some reason I care that she hates my guts right now.”

Marie: “You know, we do discourage relationships among other residents in the program. We are here for you and your recovery and mixing in a relationship right now might not be a positive thing.”

Nate: “I don’t want to f**k her…I mean I do…but like I don’t want to date her. She has a daughter and I don’t want to be involved in that kind of a relationship. I am not stepdad material and I wouldn’t cross those lines. I just want to be her friend. Its what she has told me that is sticking with me.”

Marie: “I am glad to hear that you only want her friendship and wisdom and nothing more. What was it that she said to you that is sticking with you?”

Nate: “She said I was pathetic because I didn’t want to stay sober after this program. She feels this place is stupid and everything, but she wants to also be here which is weird. She said her daughter was her reason for getting sober and I have no reason but she kind of makes me want to be the reason at the same time. I want to prove her wrong. I want to say I am sorry but I don’t know how.”

Marie: “You mentioned you sang with her. What if you sang her a song apologizing?”

Nate: “Yeah…I guess I could…I don’t know any other songs that aren’t metal though.”

Marie: “Youtube songs…genres…There are millions of songs out there and I am sure you can find a song that the lyrics fit what you’re wanting to say. If you do not find that song, maybe you could write your own?”

Nate: “Yeah, I guess I could…”

Marie: “You said earlier today that you planned on just going back to using drugs again but now you’re thinking maybe not? Can you tell me more about that?”

Nate: “Conflicted…I want to prove everyone who calls me a f*****g junkie wrong…do something with my life. Then in the other hand, I figure well they already believe it so why not just make them right and keep using.”

Marie: “You’re conflicted but those conflictions are based on others. What do you want for you?”

Nate: “I don’t know.”

Marie: “I want you to take a few minutes and think about what you think your ideal or dream future would be…what is in it? Is it needles, heroin? Is it a loving and caring partner, children, good paying job, college degree, career, your own home? Please, get up, walk around, look out the window…I want you to take 10 minutes and think and then come back at 10:30 and tell me what that looks like for you.”

10 minutes later…..

Nate: “my dream will never happen so I don’t know what the point of this is.”

Marie: “I understand you think it is pointless, but I want to hear it no matter how silly it is.”

Nate: “Fine. I want to help people like me when I was a teenager. Hopeless kids with no future and the unwanted ones…underdogs. I want to be there for them and for them to know they matter. I do not know what career that is but I just want to help them. I want my own family…just not for a long time, maybe when I am 30. A steady girlfriend would be nice…one that was consistent. A house in the f*****g rich neighborhood, just to rub it in mother fuckers. A few dogs who love me. There, is that good enough?”

Marie: “I think that is a beautiful dream and a very obtainable dream. You could go back to college and become a social worker, a family therapist and work specifically with foster children. Once you finish this program, and establish consistency in your sobriety, you could in a few years be a guardian at litem, for those teenagers you said you want to help. You could potentially, get a job working in a group home for those individuals. You know you listed a lot of great things you wanted, but do you know one thing I did not hear you wanted in your dream?”

Nate: “Drugs?”

Marie: “Yes…you do not want drugs to be a part of your future. You are in charge of your life and you can make sure you don’t let it be in your future.  You’re fully capable to go to college, get a degree. Get a career in that field working with those foster children. You’re able to save that money and buy your own home. You can make that dream, a reality, but you need to believe in yourself and learn tools. Are you regularly attending the group sessions in the evening and the weekly NA meetings?”

Nate: “Yes. I don’t really have a choice. That future is stupid and unachievable for a low-life like me.”

Marie: “You’re not a low life. If you believe you are, you can always change that by changing how you behave and your actions.”

-        Marie and Nate continued the rest of the session talking about ways of making what you say come true and turning negative thoughts into positive ones. These activities were still difficult for Nathan. He decided to walk down to the rec room and sing.

-        Nathan walks up the stage and asks Anthony if they could talk privately. He explains to Anthony what happened and reassured him that he wanted to apologize as a friend. Anthony helped Nathan pick out a song and he walked over to the stage and started singing… “Watching you Walk Away” by Stephan Puth.

Nate: “ It kills me every time Watching you walk away I wake up and you’re out the door  Yeah you leave before  I ask you to stay You to stay….I say what’s up love I can feel the hesitation In between us Makin Empty conversation  It’s a problem know we said  No expectations But we got some We got some….Its like were always keeping secret   Yeah I wonder where you go Are you with somebody else  I don’t know whatcha do alone……Try to play it down but it gets harder to pretend That I don’t care if i see you again….It kills me every time Watching you walk away I wake up and you’re out the door  Yeah you leave before  I ask you to stay You to stay…..It kills me every time Why do we only  get together after midnight  Bet that you look  even better in the daylight know we said  Don’t want no pressure Yeah  it’s alright It’s alright  …… t’s like were always keepings secret   Yeah I wonder where you go Are you with somebody else  I don’t know whatcha do alone   Try to play it down but it gets harder to pretend That I Don’t care if i see you again …..It kills me every time Watching you walk away I wake up and you’re out the door  Yeah you leave before  I ask you to stay You to stay   I see it in your eyes  I Know it’s getting late One more night and its something more So you leave before I ask you to stay  You to stay  It kills me every time. I am sorry Kayla, you were right and I was so f*****g wrong.”

-        Kayla looks up at him, as she was sitting on a chair, working on a 500-piece puzzle of the beach. She began to shake her head and she got up to walk away. Nathan sees that she is walking away, and he gets off stage and runs after her. As they enter halfway down the hall, Nathan yells for her to wait up.

Kayla: “What could you possibly want to say? Didn’t you embarrass yourself enough with that stupid song? You made a fool of yourself.”

Nate: “I don’t care if I made a fool of myself. I am sorry and it killed me that you walked away. I am sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean it. You’re working on getting better and making that statement not true and I only said that because what you said to me hurt and I wanted to hurt you back. What you said to me was true and it somehow and someway opened my mind.”

Kayla: “Wow you’re freaking obsessed with me. Are you in love with me or something? You do know that I am dating someone, aka my babys father…right?”

Nate: “I don’t want to date you. I just want to be your friend. I want to talk more about recovery because you made me think about a life without using. I am not obsessed; I just want you to hear me.”

Kayla: “Look, I was only nice to you because you’re new and I had not seen you around here. You’re really freaking gross for one..like have you not heard of taking a shower? Your long ass hair is stringy and greesy as f**k. YOU SMELL! You look like a f*****g junkie that is only here until they can leave for their next high. Your clothes are baggy and wrinkled and you’ve worn the same shirt like for the last what, 3 days? Get a life! I don’t want nothing to do with you. Leave me the f**k ALONE!” (Kayla storms off)

-        Nate is left standing there…insulted and offended and not sure how to take anything she said. He wanted to hate her for what she said but, in a way,, he knew she was right. He knew she was only trying to help. Maybe it was time for Nathan to start looking at himself in a different way…so he walked back to his room and he went into the bathroom.

-        Nathan shut the door in the bathroom and took off his clothes. He blinked a few times before looking into the mirror. This was the first time he had looked at himself in the mirror in years. Facing the reality was difficult…he was disgusting. He was a twig, bone basically sticking out. His skin was beyond pale and he has dark bags under his eyes. His teeth were yellow, and disgusting looking. His hair was down to his shoulders and they were greasy and stringy, like Kayla had commented. He looked down at his nails, they were long and turning yellow with excessive dirt underneath. He knew he smelled; he did not have to question that. He just stared there, looking in the mirror, ashamed of what he had become. He recalled his high-school years when all the girls thought he was good looking. He had medium length hair, that swayed perfectly as he moved. His eyes were a brilliant hazel and his face looked full of life with lots of toned muscles. Nathan did not recognize the man in the mirror and he wanted to change that.