A LOVE THAT WAITED

THE SPACE BETWEEN US

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping outside my window. For a moment I forgot where I was, then the familiar colour of the old lilac walls registered.

I'm home.

I lay there staring at the walls for some minutes before standing up to brush my teeth and tidy my wild morning hair. The weather was still chilly so I grabbed my brother's old sweater whose colour has already worn out though I can't seem to let it go.

I pulled the sweater on, picked up my phone from the nightstand and padded my way down the stairs towards the kitchen. The house was filled with the smell of pancakes and a whiff of chocolate.

I walked into the kitchen and met my mother at the cooker humming a soft melody under her breath.

"Good morning mama" I said walking towards her and giving her a kiss on her cheek.

"You're awake..... good morning baby" she smiled glancing at me before flipping a pancake in the pan.

"Anything I can help with" I asked slipping my phone into the pocket of my sweater.

"Oh no I'm on the last batch already just go and have your seat" she said pouring the last batter of pancake into the pan.

"Okay" I walked to the dining table not bothering to argue with her.

She sets a plate of pancake in front of me with a bottle of vanilla syrup and sets another plate across me before disappearing back into the kitchen.

I stare at the empty chairs silently wishing they were still here with us. Almost immediately she returns with two mugs filled with chocolate milk in her hands. Setting the mug down in front of me, she sat across from me before stretching her hands towards me. I reluctantly gave her my hands that was slightly sweaty.

"O Lord bless this food, the hands that prepared it and the mouths that will eat it. Let your peace be with us....amen" she prayed.

"Amen" I said pulling my hands gently away before rubbing my sweaty palms on my lounge pants.

I picked up my fork and drizzled some syrup on my pancakes before diving into it. I stopped eating on my third bite when I realised my mother was watching me instead of eating.

"What" I asked shifting under her gaze.

"Are you okay....." she asked " please talk to me" she added.

"I guess I am" I let out a breath and started picking at the pancakes with the fork. She nodded silently then quietly ate her food.

We both ate in silence, it wasn't uncomfortable it was just careful like any wrong move can shatter something.

"I'm happy you came back home" she eventually lets out wrapping her hands around her mug

"Yeah, I won't be here for long though" I said staring at her. Something flickered in her eyes but she cleared her throat and gave me a nod.

"I wish they were still here" I said finally wanting to address the elephant in the room.

"Me too" she said with a sad look in her eyes.

"Mama I'm so sorry I left you here to grieve alone... I'm really sorry" I said with a croak in my voice.

"It's fine baby, you were also grieving and that was the only way you could cope" she said looking at me with so much love in her eyes.

"I just couldn't stay here anymore, everywhere I looked it was like they were still there, I could still here their voices in the house" I croaked out.

" I understand you and I don't blame you for leaving" she said, I wonder how she manages to contain all her emotions easily.

"I thought running away would give me the closure and peace of mind I needed but it didn't" my throat tightened.

"Honey you need to address the situation heads on if you need closure" she said stretching her hands to grab mine on the table. " Maybe you should pay them a visit one day before you leave" she added after a little pause.

I nodded vigorously while blinking hard so no tears would drop.

"I love you so much and you know it, if you need someone to talk to I'll always be here for you so don't shut me out please and remember that you're always welcome home any time" she said before retrieving her hand leaving my hands cold.

"Thanks mama" I said standing up and walking towards her side of the table and like she knew what I needed she stood up and pulled me into her warm embrace.

"I love you so much mama" I muffled into her shoulders. She leaves a kiss on the side of my forehead before pulling back and giving me a wide smile.

"C'mon let's do the dishes together" she said while packing the plates while I carry the mugs.

After doing the dishes we settled into the sitting room. Hours slipped by as we talked about where I had been, what I experienced, what she endured in my absence and all the festivals and activities of the town I missed.

There was laughter in between, moments of surprise and long pauses when the words felt too heavy to carry. Somewhere between the stories and the shared silence I listened to her soothing voice, familiar and steady and regretted the unnecessary space I created between us over the years though right now for the first time in years that space between us felt smaller.

It wasn't perfect but it made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time.....hope.

Hope that everything will actually work out.

This wasn't how I thought things would go but I love it and it's a great start. Right then it just felt enough for me.