The Back Story
Two years. Not a very long time, and seems even shorter if you spend it with the love of your life. When the person you want to spend your life with is near you, lives with you, married to you, a year feels like a day, and you try everything to stop the clock and go back in time.
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time. The times when everything felt so in place, when I truly lived my life, when my abode, in a true sense, was a home. I can’t remember being as happy as I had been in those two years. I can’t even remember when my rose-tinted glass came off, and all that was visible was darkness, desolation, despair.
Had it all been a façade? No, my love was not a show. It was pure and sincere. Then why did this happen to me? Was I to blame? I had always been faithful, honest, caring, and whatnot, all for my love. Always trying to preserve my relationship, protecting it from the evils of the world.
Then why did Aaron not believe me when I swore on our love? I cried and cried, and he did not even so much as look me in the eye. I wanted him to turn around, and find the truth in my eyes- these eyes that he always swore could never lie. All the promises that we made to each other in the presence of God went into the drain the moment he turned his back to me. The way he remained still after that, holding his breath as if he would break down with a touch, told me that he was hurting as much as I was.
Calling him out while walking out of the house I had been calling home for the last two years required a lot of strength and courage, both of which had been sucked out of me. I couldn't find the right words to say, anything that could make him trust me, and when something did come to my mind to be uttered, my voice failed me.
It felt like I was gasping for air, the air that left my lungs as if someone had punched me square in the guts and knocked all the air out of me. My throat throbbed and was seconds away from throwing up my heart.
Growing up my parents always told me to be kind and giving. Treat those who are mightier and more privileged than you with respect and those who are disenfranchised and poorer than you with compassion, but before that always remember that you are not above or beneath everybody. Don't let people mistake your tenderheartedness for weakness. Make it your strength, because honesty, truth, and generosity go hand-in-hand.
Even though I tried to inculcate all their teachings in my life, I knew I could never get rid of that one spot in my heart- the spot which was filled with meekness and subservience. Over time, it had become a part of the functioning of my brain, so much so that suffering at the hands of people became a habit to me. But I never let bitterness enter my life, for it never did anything good to anybody. What goes around comes around. That is the only principle I had grown up with.
But what I wasn't prepared for was betrayal from those who are the closest to me. I never thought life would throw such lemons at me when I did not even know how to cut one. How does one come over the pain of suffering at the hands of one's loved ones?
Aaron not willing to believe me was one thing, but him not wanting to give me a chance to prove was another level of distrust. I would have come up with something to change his mind, had he not felt repulsed to even be in my presence.
I had nowhere to go, nobody to go to. Even though I had friends who were ready to leave everything for me, the thought of calling any one of them never occurred to me. One heartbreak wrecked my mind and left me senseless. The journey to the hotel passed in a blur. I was working on autopilot. Checking in to the hotel and entering the room seemed so mechanized that the moment I stumbled upon my bags I did not even so much as gasped- I, who flinched at every little sound and couldn't bear being in darkness.
Life was going to be like this, I assuaged myself. I would have to live by myself, on my own, with nobody to lean on. Nothing is permanent and so are people in your life. I would have to accept the bitter truth and move on.
That night, while lying on the couch of the hotel room, I could not stop replaying what happened with me just a few hours ago; how my life went upside down and things took a turn for the worst.
But did they really?
26 years spent listening to every insult that people had, to throw at me. 26 years spent letting go of all the pain and pushing my feelings in the back seat. This is what I get after all of it. Finally, I was happy and found out that life has more to offer than just petty people and lemons, of course.
Suddenly, while bringing the blanket closer to my chest, something caught my attention. A shiny little diamond on my ring finger- my wedding ring. And as if my mind was waiting for a visible signifier to let the gravity of the situation settle in, all the waterworks started. That day I wept like a child. Coiling my body in the shape of a ball, holding myself with my own hands to control the unsteady jerks of sobs.
Here I was, losing my sleep because of him. He, who knew how in love I was with him, how easily breakable I was. This was worse than getting jilted at the altar.
Look at yourself, Tenysi. Poor you! Couldn't see through the wickedness of people. Look where it brought you.
I knew this voice was not lying, but my ego was not ready to accept it.
Is this how you're going to be for the rest of your life? Weak and timid. Always at the mercy of others.
If you think this was terrible, the worse is yet to come. How do you think you would face that?
Wake up and collect your emotions. You are smart, beautiful, and a woman!
Use your senses and let the woman in you shine through.
If not hard-hitting, this definitely was eye-opening. I can't love others if I don't love myself first. I have to put myself first.
And that night I promised myself that that was going to be the last time that I would cry for him.
No more letting go. Now, it's time to put someone in their place.
