The Secret Circle

Quinton

"Quinton," I stopped measuring my mother's medicines. Her weak hands grasped my wrist lightly, "go to school today. Your friends are probably wondering where you are. Margaret will take care of me."

I held back tears. Seeing my mother in this state was too much pain for me sometimes. 

"Margaret isn't with us anymore. Remember?"

She knitted her eyebrows together in confusion, "Margaret was just here earlier."

"No, do you know what day it is?"

There was no earlier. There hadn't been for a while. Margaret had to quit because she moved. Since my father hadn't came out of his study in a while, I hadn't been able to get another caretaker for her.

"It's August third isn't it?"

I shook my head but smiled. Mama didn't start to lose her memory until last year. It took her a whole week to remember who I was one time. I've gotten used to her not remembering. It just breaks my heart in the worst way. My dad was barely any help. You couldn't catch him out of his study if you weren't paying attention. I would always knock to see if he was alive at least. But since my mother stopped walking on her own, he shut himself down completely. We were living off of a fund that wasn't supposed to be touched until I got into college to survive and the money I made from my job.

"No mama. It's March twentieth."

She laughed and closed her eyes. I knew when she opened them again she was going to forget.

"Mom?" I could see the struggle it was for her to flutter them back open. It was so good before all of this. She was fine five years ago. What happened? "Here."

I helped her sit up so she could sip down her medicine. She would only be able to drink two liquids. The rest she had to have injected in her by needle.

"You look like someone I know." She muttered weakly.

I sighed, "Rest mama. I'll be back to give you your doses."

I loosened the sheets on her body so she could breathe more liberally. Tucking her in would only make it harder for her.

"Quinton?"

I did my best to hold her eyes that were barely open without crying. She was dying and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Margaret told me that before she left. She told me that I needed to get detached from her as possible. But you couldn't do that if that "her" was your mother. 

"I'm going to make it to your graduation."

With that, she closed her eyes and laid flat on the bed. She had a cannula to help her breathe, though, it wasn't much help. I had to accept the fact that she wasn't going to make it past this summer. 

"I love you mama." I kissed her forehead. "So much."

As I looked around the wide room, I let a single tear slip. All I remembered of this room was being happy. Now it was full of death. Down to the brown walls my mother loved to paint on. She had mountains on one part of the wall. A desert on the other. Then a forest on the next. She was in the middle of painting a grassland before she had gotten sick. I would sit next to her and let her tell me stories about each one of the lands that she had "been to". But now? I was stuck sitting next to her awaiting her death. There was no more laughter. No more painting or stories. Just sickness and sorrow. 

I walked out of the room, realizing that I was crying full on. No need to dwell on the past Quin. I walked through our halls. So empty now. They used to have paintings on them, but they were too painful for my father to bear. He had them all painted over. My mother had a fit when she realized what he'd done. That was the first time that she ever....showed such anger in front of me while she was sick. He almost painted over the room but I begged him not to. I needed her to feel at home. Not like the patient she was. I knew that's how he thought of her. A patient. She wasn't his wife anymore. She was some sick lady sitting in a bed waiting to die. 

I could smell the alcohol from the door. I could only pray that he wasn't getting alcohol poisoning. He locked his study so no one could come in. Mainly me. 

"I'm going out. I'll be back in a few. Just make sure she's comfortable at least." I said to the door of my dad's study.

That's what it seemed like I was talking to now. A door. He either grunted or knocked something over to let me know he heard me. Today, he grunted. I scoffed. He wouldn't. He never did.

"Why do I even bother?" I questioned to no one, walking out of the door.

School was over. I had been watching over my mother for so long today, I wasn't really paying attention to time. I just wanted my mother to be comfortable where she was. Before Margaret left, I didn't have to watch her around the clock. I did now. My dad wasn't coming out anytime soon. I couldn't trust him to give her his medicine. So it had to be me. Or Derick if he had to stay over. He didn't mind caring for her. They clicked anyways. He would sit and listen to the stories she had to tell if she had any or if she had to strength to hold a sentence. It almost seemed like she was his mother. I let him have that. Derick's mother basically disowned him. My mother was the closet thing to a mother he would get. I didn't want to take that feeling away from him. I was just upset that he got the worst end of the love. He should have been here before she got sick. That was when we were all a big happy family. Grandma and Grandpa would come over and be grandparents. Aunt Liz would come over too. But it all changed when she got sick. Aunt Liz used to come over.....but her husband, Louie, stopped her from coming. Everyone knew Louie was abusive towards Aunt Liz. The only reason he stopped her from coming over was because he heard that I got my gender changed. Fat f**k. And Grandma and Grandpa, their hearts couldn't take it so I understood. Grandma ended up in the hospital when she heard. Mama had a brother, but he died in battle years before I was even thought of. She had wonderful stories of Peter. He sounded brave and cool. It would be nice if he hadn't died before I met him. I could tell that we would be best buddies. We had so much in common.

____________

I crashed in the middle of a game of Monopoly. It was extremely hard to tell which one was winning. It was like half and half.

"Give me Boardwalk for St. James Place. You'll be completing a set..." Garrett tempted.

"Bullshit. You just want me to pay one thousand dollars to you. No."

Garrett groaned. "You never want to trade..."

Derick tapped his head.

"Because I'm smart as shit."

"Yeah right."

I looked at Nani. He reeked of depression the way he sat with his eyes closed and earbuds in. "Damn bro. How bad was it?"

"He doesn't want to talk about it right now." Derick said.

"Well, I'll talk about mine then."

I mope myself over towards a hammock that was more than sturdy.

"She's getting worse. I knew that though.....but....my dad. He's the issue. He won't come out of his room. He's barely eating, he's not paying the bills anymore. How are we supposed to live? I can't keep working three different jobs. I have to go to school sometime."

"You should pick lock his door and tell him off." Garrett muttered.

"Rrriiggghhht. He'd probably put me out. Then who'd take care of mom? He won't get any hospice for her. She'll just die alone. Cold. I don't want that for her. She wouldn't do that to me. Or him. I don't know why he can't get his head out of his ass for once and provide for his family."

"He can't put you out if he doesn't pay the bills." Derick hummed.

True. But he was my father. Didn't I have to "yield to him"?

"Maybe you're right D."

"Goddamnit!" Garrett cursed.

Derick snickered. I glance down at the two on the floor playing games. It seems as if Garrett had landed on one of Derick's orange houses. The way Derick held his palm out said that he did.

"Nope, not enough." 

"Uggh! Fine. Mortgage this one."

"Ha! Now who's eating who's dust?"

I smile, but tune them out. I had so many thoughts on my mind. Like how much her cremation would cost. Or how much I would miss her laugh and smile. I know I needed to prepare for her death. I know I need to get used to the house being empty. I just don't know how I would do that. She was my everything. Everything I ever did revolved around her. Everything I did was for her. What was I going to do when she left here? My dad and I didn't exactly have a strong bond anymore. It was hard to tell if we were even related sometimes. I got sick of my neighbors asking when Hank would come outside or when my father would come back to church. It was like they didn't know that my mother was sick and my dad was distraught about it. They knew. When she fell ill it was the talk of the town for months. My mother couldn't go out to the grocery store without having to be stopped in prayer or reminded of how sick she was because of people trying to relate to her. It got so bad to the point where she just stopped going out and reached some type of depressive state. That was when my dad cared about her. He did his best to stay by her side. He did his best to make sure she was comfortable at that time. I couldn't believe that the love he had for her just disappeared into thin air. I thought that love was supposed to last. I thought it was supposed to be "'til death do us part". Why was I the one stuck having to drop everything to take care of the household? How did I become the man of the house so suddenly? Of course I would drop any and everything for my mother though. It was just so stressful sometimes. He didn't have to carry the burden of watching her forget so easily. Or the burden of watching her cough and wheeze until she couldn't breathe. It felt like she was ripping my heart out. I know she couldn't help it. No one could help being in stage four of lung cancer.

"Quin." I blinked at the sound of my name. "You're awfully quiet today....how bad is it?" 

I look at Derick. He was eyeing me cautiously. 

"She.....she forgot who I was again." I confess.

That was the most painful. For her to not remember me. I didn't want her to die not remembering her only child. 

"I know it's hard Quin, but don't dwell on it. I'll be there with you if you need me to be there. If you want me to be there with you. She still loves you."

"How can she possibly love me if she doesn't even have any recollection of us? Me?"

"Because she's your mother Quin. A mother's love goes far. Not every mother does....but most do and yours, she is full of love. Whether she's met you or not. That was just the person she was. She made me feel at home when I was down. She was the only person to take me in. Not look at me like I was an abomination."

I frowned. Why was he talking as if she was already dead? She was still here. Still living. Nothing was dead about her.

"Stop talking about her as if she's dead already." I snap.

Error corrupted his face. I rubbed my face. I didn't mean to snap like that. 

"I'm sorry, Quin. I didn't mean to offend you."

"No. I'm sorry. You're just trying to help me."

I breathed into my nose and out of my mouth. There was no need for me to snap. She was going to die someday. But she wasn't dead today. She was alive. Her heart was still beating. She wasn't gone yet. I could hold on to that. I could save that for myself.