I Became Her

Chapter 14 -The Neighbor-

“Well, hello Lex,” she smiles and accepts my hand for a brief shake. “And do you have a last name picked out as well?”

“Not yet.” It’s not something I consider important enough at the moment to wreck my brain over. Like they said, it’s time to lie low and for that I don’t need a last name.

“Your room will be on the third floor,” she rattles the keys before throwing them up in the air and catching them again. “Shall we?”

Looks like this place is kind of a safe haven for her, because she is acting differently than before. It’s comforting to know that we can reach a place or a point where we can be like any other young woman without a heavy burden like ours. If I didn’t have a different goal in mind, I would want to reach there.

I follow her into the building, and we take the stairs to the third floor. There are only four doors on that level and Shai knows exactly which one she has to open.

“Are you sure it is fine with Kane that I stay here?” I ask when she pushes the door open and this modest, yet inviting apartment is before my eyes. Floor to ceiling windows with white and grey drapes let in a perfect amount of sunlight without making everything too bright. The furniture and appliances seem new and not very motel-like. “It doesn’t feel like a motel,” I voice my thoughts to her.

“Motel rooms are on the second and the gym is on the ground floor. These, here,” she says while waving all around her, “are the apartments. Right next to you is Kane’s, I am across the hall from him and the one across yours is rented to Micky, but he is almost never here, so it’s just the three of us mostly.” She walks up to the large windows and when she opens them, I realize they are actually sliding door leading out to the balcony.

I follow her and fall immediately in love with that amazing balcony. The high railing offers privacy, but the sounds of cars and people make you feel part of something. I sit down on the sofa and lean back while closing my eyes. I could stay here forever, the sun warming my skin and light breeze carrying my troubles away.

“I’ll show you where’s what and then you can settle in.” Shai wakes me from my daydreaming. She gives a quick tour of this one-bedroom apartment before saying goodbye for today.

The door closes and I secure all three locks on it. Not that I am afraid, I am just not at ease with being by myself. Okay, I am just not at ease in general.

So, this is life when you have no one, nowhere to go and nothing to do. I have to rely on strangers, stay here alone and figure out how to push forward, since going back is not a possibility.

After looking around for a few minutes, I find myself on the balcony again and, who am I kidding, I have nothing else to do, so I just lie in the sun like a lizard and dream of life with no violence, no mourning or loss.

Minutes pass by and they take hours with them. I don’t want to move or function, so I just stay as I am, where I am. Fighting against the dreadful memories that want to surface and repeating myself that I am not Alexie, she is gone, and she took those horrors with her.

“Are you okay?” A voice spoken from not too far from me made me jolt up and almost tumble over a table.

When I managed to stay on my feet and finally see who this intruder was, I start shaking almost immediately. There is a man just a few feet from me and I felt all the horrid feelings rushing back. Fear, panic, desperation.

“Don’t hurt me,” I whisper, hoping he would hear me, he would listen to me.

“Oh my god. I am sorry. I didn’t… s**t, I am Kane. I won’t hurt you. Shit.” He looks just as horrified as I am. We are both frozen in place, eyes locked with each other while standing like deer’s in headlights. He breaks his frozen state first and slowly raises his hands, palms facing me and takes a few steps back. “I’ll leave. Okay?” He says before almost disappearing from the balcony.

Deep breath in, long breath out.

“Wait!” I manage to say before he leaves. “Why did you come here?” I doubt it is because he wanted to check on me.

“I come here every evening after work to wind down and I forgot Shai was bringing you here today.” He shrugs his shoulders like it is no big deal. I understand he owns the building and basically all the balconies belong to him, but I am not sure I am going to be okay with him just dropping by every time he needs to chill.

“Don’t you have a balcony of your own?” I know I am an intruder here, but as long as he allows me to stay here, I would like some privacy and him to respect it.

“Shai didn’t tell you, I see. We kind of have to share this place, but if me being here makes you uncomfortable I can stay away.” He points to the door he was about to walk into. “This is my apartment, and this balcony is connected to both apartments.” The tight smile he gave wasn’t really a smile, rather a polite gesture so he could excuse himself and escape the interrogation I had inflicted on him.

“You don’t have to leave,” I whisper before he turns to leave once again. “Thank you for giving me a roof over my head.” My eyes are now looking down because I start to feel embarrassed for the way I reacted. I am directing my anger towards the wrong person, just because I am in pain doesn’t mean I have to fight off everyone every step of the way. I don’t mean I will trust and care for him, but at some point, I have to establish some normal relations without questioning their agenda for me. As I said, ‘at some point’, but not yet.

“You need this space more than I do,” he answers shortly and walks away, leaving the balcony for me tonight.

I don’t know what I need. Do I actually need the balcony? No. Lobotomy seems to be something that could numb the aches and pains that weigh me down minute after minute. So yeah, the balcony is definitely not something I need, plus he is not at fault why am the way I am at the moment.

After that last thought, I find myself facing the door leading to his apartment. Should I talk myself out of knocking on it or should I do it? Most probably he doesn’t want to deal with me, so I shouldn’t bother him. I keep thinking, why not knock, and I don’t even notice that my knuckles are already connecting with his door. Geez. Even my head and body don’t know how to listen to one another.

Mere seconds after knocking I regret it and turn to escape, hoping he didn’t hear it or perhaps blames it on the wind or something.

I take a few quick steps towards my apartment to clear the air, but only to be stopped by his voice behind me. “Is it okay if I sit outside for a while?” he asks like he sees the dilemma inside of me.

I turn around and suppress the smile that tries to overtake my face. “Fine by me,” I answer while taking a seat on the sofa I had jumped up earlier. He didn’t have to play it cool with me, but I appreciate him doing that.

“You can come to the gym any time you want,” he says to break the silence that isn’t even uncomfortable. It’s just silence between two people who know what suffering looks like.

“Thanks, but I don’t even know how to use the equipment properly.” Not that I am proud of never being athletic or being too interested in living a healthy lifestyle, I just prioritized other things in life. Now all of it matters close to nothing, now I prioritize justice if you want to call it nicely, revenge if we call it what it really is.

“Everything can be learnt.” And he is so right. Everything can be. Another issue is, do I want to?

I smile at him and drop the topic. I am not saying I won’t go; I just don’t want to promise something I am not sure I can deliver.

“I am not saying you have to work out. If you feel like you want to get out, then you are welcome to check it out.” Now the topic is closed. “I’ll get a beer; do you want one?”

“No.” When I was with Duncan, it was normal for us to finish bottle of wine with one dinner, but now, I feel that I cannot afford myself that haze. I need to stay focused and keep my head clear. And if I am honest, I don’t feel like I am going to miss out on anything if I limit my drinking to zero.

“Good thinking, I shouldn’t either.”

“People drinking is not a trigger for me, so grab a beer if you want,” I tell him. I am not sure if that’s why he changed his mind, but I’ll put that information out there.

“Just us men?” His question makes me question myself, because I don’t know the answer. Or do I? I am sitting here with him, and I am not feeling afraid, I am not on edge or worried that he might attack me at any moment. I don’t feel this way, so is my answer hiding in that feeling?

“I don’t consider them human, so I can’t really call them men.” This vague answer is as real as I can give him right now. “What would you do in my shoes?” I am not asking for advice or his insight if I am doing the right thing, I just want to sway our conversation before I say something I might regret.

He looks at me for what feels like too long and then shifts his gaze to the distance and silence falls heavy on us before he takes a deep breath and speaks his mind.

“Leave,” he says.