I Became Her

Chapter 15 -The Box(ing)-

“I can’t,” I respond to his statement without looking at him, but I feel his eyes observing me.

“I know.” His words offer no solace to my turmoil of a life, they just remind me that he has seen me at my worst, has held me while life was leaving me.

“Why did Shai stay?” He has saved many girls, but so far it seems that only Shai and I have tried to stay here. So, he might actually know why I can’t leave, because Shai might have had the same motivation as I do.

“I am not the one to tell her story. One day, she might tell it herself.”

“She did actually. More or less the same scenario as mine.” Duncan kept me as a pet for a longer period of time, but the endgame was the same.

“She probably told you what you needed to know, not what they did to her.” With his words it feels like darkness fell and smoked the air out of him. His eyes turned even darker and breathing grew louder. I look at him briefly and know that I don’t want to pry on what he cannot tell me. She didn’t share her experience for a reason, I will respect her decision.

“Thanks for the company.” I stand up from the sofa and wave uncomfortably before I leave him sitting alone in the fast-descending darkness. The one that memories brought into his eyes and the one that brings the night upon us.

I walk aimlessly around the apartment looking for something, but that something doesn’t exist, so I just keep moving without a purpose. These things aren’t mine; this place isn’t mine; this body feels bizarre to me and, since I decided to leave my life in the past, then even I feel like a stranger to myself. I am like an infant with no mother in sight, so I cry for help, but no one hears, no one comes. My cries are silent ones and I know that no one will come, I know that no one cares. That won’t stop me though. Cause in reality, I am not an infant, even if I feel like one, I am a grown woman with potential I haven’t unlocked yet.

I stop pacing and take a minute to get my head straight.

If I am to put my past in the past, I need to start acting like that’s the case. My physical injuries are healing and with time they will fade like sweet promises whispered into deaf ears. My head might remember how they were made, but my skin will show no evidence. If I guard my head, then nobody will know what I am hiding underneath this exterior. That makes this whole ‘fake it til’ you make it’ easier, because I have to fake it only to myself.

I am Lex, Lex, Lex, Lex. I come from nowhere. I have no one. I will stay here and I will be somebody.

I repeat that as a mantra when I shower, when I brush my teeth, when I crawl under the covers, and I repeat that until I fall asleep.

There are no aches or pains, no peeping, no talking. There is nothing. Just silence and comfort. If, after everything, I died quietly in my sleep, I would be so very pissed. That would be the cruelest joke anyone has ever played on me.

Slowly, I open my eyes and find myself in the same bedroom, the same bed I fell asleep in. I am alive. I am very much alive and well-rested. No nightmares or constant awakenings, I managed to sleep throughout the night, and this thought itself brings a smile to my face. I don’t expect this occurrence to last, but to have even one night without any horrific memories is worth celebrating.

I walk into my new kitchen and look for something to eat, but this time, luck is not on my side. There is a box of cereal with best before dating back to last year, but whatever, if it is not running away from me, I will eat it. I take the box and head out to eat it on the balcony, but before I make it there, I am stopped by the note that is taped to my door from the outside. I step closer to the glass and read ‘There’s coffee in my place. I left the door unlocked. Go help yourself. Kane’. My hand gripping the box, I stare at the note with simple message that has so much meaning to me. There is trust I didn’t earn yet, there is kindness I didn’t deserve yet, and there is coffee I haven’t had yet today.

Hoping he is not at home, I knocked three times prior to opening the door to his apartment, to his private space. He said I could go, but somehow it still felt like I am doing something illegal.

His place is probably triple the size of the apartment I am staying in. It’s an open floorplan with a neutral color palette where grey and natural wood are in perfect harmony. It’s very clean, a little too clean to be a bachelor pad. I don’t want to be nosy, so I walk straight into the kitchen area and right past the island I see his coffee bar.

There is another note on the coffeemaker ‘Everything is set, just press THIS -> button’. He is making this very easy on me, or he is afraid I might mess up his fancy machine. Well, at this point, I don’t care 'cause as soon the coffee starts to fill my cup and the delicious smell reaches my senses, I want to be one with my coffee cup. Very cliché, I know.

I take my coffee and join the expired box of cereal I left on the balcony. At this moment, this morning, I feel like I can do anything, become whoever. Life has a habit of knocking you down when you feel like the sky is the limit, yet I am not afraid of that, not yet.

A cup of coffee and a few handfuls of cereal later, I decide to accept the other offer he made me. I will go and check out the gym.

I don’t have any other clothes than the ones that Shai gave me yesterday, so I look like an alien when I walk into the gym where spandex-covered women are doing photoshoots while bared top men ignore them and focus on their own struggles with heavy weights.

“Ma’am, can I help you?” A woman’s voice stops my observation and I shift my attention towards the receptionist who waves at me.

“She is fine. I’ll show her around.” I turn around again to find Kane approaching me and I feel weird to admit it, but he is different than yesterday. He is wearing shorts and sneakers and that is about it. His hair tied in a bun behind his head, and he is untying his boxing gloves while walking in my direction. “Not really dressed to sweat your ass off,” he comments my rather casual wear.

“Yeah, well, my wardrobe is quite limited these days,” I say with a smile that hides the sting his comment left in my heart. I am not offended or hurt by it, just reminded of what kind of mess I am in.

“s**t, sorry, I should think before I open my mouth. Anyway, I’ll show you what we have here,” he said before throwing his gloves on the reception desk and leaving them there.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s good that you don’t think ‘trauma’ when you see me.” People not paying attention to my brokenness is easier to bear than to see them considering every word and sentence 'cause it might remind me of something I want to erase from my memories. It is clear that I will never forget what happened, so why do I have to be reminded of that night for the rest of my life, when it is living rent free inside of me everyday anyway.

The next half an hour passes by with us walking around the gym and him showing different designated areas like cardio, stretching, weights and my favorite, the back room, which is solely meant for combat sports. There are two rings and a whole lot of punching bags and other equipment I can’t really name yet. The gym in general was dark and looked like a mancave, but the back room was a literal cave with stone walls and just a few lights, not to mention the smell of testosterone that lingered in the air while half-naked men are trying to prove who is the alpha male.

In that back room, no one looked twice at my still bruised face and bloodshot eye. They were all like that, everyone had scars and bruises, everyone had had their fair share of visible damage.

Plus, there is something hugely primitive about all this fighting and proving who is more powerful, yet at the same time, I can’t rip my eyes from that. Whatever they are outside of the ring doesn’t matter, in it, they are equals, using only their raw strength and bare hands to show their dominance over the other one. No one is tied down, no one is there against their own will.

I want that. I want to do that. I want to find that strength and confidence in me.

“Train me.”