I Became Her

Chapter 5 -The Trepidation-

Another night passes with me tossing and turning until my alarm clock ends my misery and I can finally get up. Not that something is stopping me from doing that before my alarm, but I don’t want to be the broken girl who lost her sleep due to trauma. Even if my mind does not get the rest it needs, at least my body can relax a little. It is not much, but it is something.

It is Sunday and I have no place to go, so I can take my time with everything I do. This means a longer shower, a bigger breakfast and wearing my bathrobe until noon. I don’t particularly like weekends, but after yesterday I need some alone time to clear my head and forget all the confusion he caused.

Last night I decided to steer clear of him. He is not for me, and I am not for him. His expensive and larger than life ways are not something I am looking for. Like I said earlier, I am not some damsel in distress who needs a Prince Charming to come and rescue me from my middle-class life. If I want to get out of here, I will do it myself.

I am standing behind my decision and I know it is the right one, well, at least right now.

A notification from my phone brings me back to planet earth and I reach for it to see if Yas is finally awake and letting me know she will never ever until forever drink again, as usual.

‘You were in my dreams, you are in my head, you are all I can think about. D.Y.’

Holy crap. The cheesiest line I have ever heard or read, for that matter. He has really misunderstood me if he thinks I am going to melt when I read this s**t. Only things melting are my braincells committing suicide to forget they ever got the signal from my optic nerve.

There is absolutely no way I am going to answer that.

Hopefully he will get the message, me ghosting him, carries. He needs to find some other little kitty to spend his energy on because I am not interested.

Time passes but I can’t seem to get Duncan out of my head. I try thinking about random things, but somehow, I end up wondering if I am being too judgmental and unsparing to someone I don’t even know.

Maybe I am just trying to protect myself and that fear is robbing me of something great, from someone great. He wanted to get to know me. Do I want to get to know him? Do I want to let him know me?

So many questions and I have no answers. If it continues, I might even google a few of them to see if the Worldwide web has answers for me. That’s how desperate and tangled I am with my own head.

And as time passes by, I am constantly checking my phone to see if Yasmine has contacted me. It is already midday and nothing from her. Usually, she calls me as soon as she wakes up to spice up my life with new gossip and her adventures while drunk and careless. But there is nothing from her today. Maybe she tripped and broke her leg or something.

I will call her myself. She will be mad as hell if I wake her up, but I am ready to take my chances.

Three calls and still no answer. I don’t want to admit it, but I am getting nervous. This kind of behavior is really out of character for her. Is she mad 'cause I left without a word? That would also be out of character. God, I am getting worried.

My phone rings and I jump at it, but it is Duncan, not Yas, so I ignore it. I need to make sure there are no hard feelings between Yas and me because I can’t lose our friendship, I can’t lose her.

As soon as the ringing stops, another one starts and it’s Duncan again. And then again and again until I give up and answer.

“Come on girl, I am outside, Yas is in the hospital.” His words knock the air out of my lungs and my knees turned into jelly, almost dropping me to the floor.

“Wh-what?”

“I am outside. I can take you there,” he says with a calming voice that gives me hope that she is fine, just a little overdramatic maybe. She loves attention, so that might be why she had herself admitted to the hospital.

“Give me two minutes,” I say and hang up to get dressed as fast as humanly possible. I don’t care what I wear or how I look, I just want to make sure she is fine and afterwards I can worry about my appearance and other miniscule things like that. And if this whole hospital ordeal is just her need for attention, I will smack her blonde head for frightening me.

I run out of the house, and I don’t really have to look for him 'cause my eyes instantly find his flashy rover parked across the road. I can’t even tell if it is gray or green or something else as the sun and shadows are playing on it, making it change colors like chameleon. Definitely catches your eye, but I have to admit, it is not something I would pick for myself. Way too loud for my taste, but fits perfectly his lavish style.

He rolls his window down and gestures me to get in while his eyes are measuring me undisguisedly. And now I regret my earlier choice not to spend any time on choosing something nice to wear. Oh well, I shouldn’t want to impress him anyway, so it is actually better if he thinks I am some low-class skank.

Our drive to the hospital is beyond awkward. I can feel his eyes on me. I can sense his need to start a conversation between us, but I am forcing myself to concentrate on the outside and ignore him and his gaze. I don’t want him to get the idea that me accepting his offer, to drive us to the hospital, is anything other than what it is- my concern for Yasmine’s wellbeing. There is no need for chit-chat or fake pleasantries.

“You look gorgeous,” he finally breaks the silence with the pleasantries I tried to avoid.

I turn to him and give him a sweet smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. Fake meets fake, that’s what it is 'cause I know for a fact that I do not look good, and his bogus compliments will be matched with my bogus smiles. I guess our acquaintance is not built on sincerity.

“Will you ever speak to me again?”

“What is there to talk about?” I say without thinking. Was I too blunt? Too harsh? Probably, but there is truth to my question. I know he expects me run to him and let him do as he pleases with me, but I am not that kind of girl. There is plenty to choose from so he can go fishing for a new catch as soon as he drops me off at the hospital.

“Okay, I see.” He acts hurt. He must be acting, there is no way a guy like him would feel real hurt when someone meaningless like me, gives him red light.

I give him a quick glance to see if there is a hint of pain in his eyes. Eyes are supposed to speak truth even when mouth can’t. As soon as I look at him, he locks his eyes with mine and there is no confidence or arrogance I saw there yesterday. There is nothing. Not even hurt, I thought I might find. Did I do this to him?

“I just don’t think we are compatible,” I say eyes once again diverted away from him. I know I am a coward for not looking him in the eyes while speaking, but if this is the only way I can speak these words out loud, then so be it.

“I think you are wrong for thinking that.” He reaches over and takes my hand, resting on my lap, into his. “Compatibility can be built over time,” he said and ran his thumb over my knuckles, causing my skin to heat up few degrees. Not from pleasure though, well at least it doesn’t feel pleasurable.

“Is it far?” My desperate attempt to change the subject and save myself from saying something I will regret.

“Almost there.” He lets go of my hand and places his on the steering wheel. At that moment I want to kick myself. Why didn’t I remove my hand from his grip? Why?

My mouth is saying no, but my actions speak something else. Hopefully he didn’t notice what just happened. Even if he did, I hope he doesn’t get more boldness to try and win me over. I am afraid I am not strong enough to keep saying ‘no’.

He parks his car in the underground parking garage and leads the way until we reach the reception. As soon as we arrive, Yasmine’s mother hurries towards us and hugs me ever so tightly, just like a worried mother would.

I am getting scared that this is not Yasmine’s crazy scheme to get attention.

“Rose?” my voice is barely audible, but I know she heard me. She heard the hint of panic I had saying her name.

“Under my own nose. In our own house. Who would do that?” Her hold on me got tighter with each word. I feel her tears landing on my shoulder. My panic was not a hint anymore, it was full blown hurricane now.

I pushed her away a few inches so I could look at her. “Tell me.” There is nothing around us two. I see only her. She needs to answer me, or I will lose my footing faster than her latest teardrop hitting the floor.

“She was assaulted.”