I Became Her

Chapter 19 -The Duck-

“See you at eight then,” I say to him and walk up the stairs to the third floor. There is nothing more to say and if he got a glimpse of the smile I was parading around after his announcement, then he knows I am pleased. Even if I suck at boxing or whatever he is going to teach me, at least I get to try it. From outside of the ring, I felt like this was something that was made for me, and I was made to do it. Tonight, I will see if that really is what it seems.

All my purchases hanged up nicely, I let my finger graze over them before leaving. I am not a shopaholic or someone who needs to buy new things to release stress, but the feeling when you buy something for yourself is like when the first snow falls. It’s new and exciting, although you know that after some time these things will be old and worn and the snow will become puddles and mud, right now they can make you blissful.

For my first lesson with Kane, I dressed in the gym shorts and men’s t-shirt he gave me, and new sneakers, of course. I don’t even know why it bothered me so much that I didn’t have them, who cares, maybe I like to work out barefoot. I am afraid that my head has shifted a bit after the distress I went through, and I have to get used to being afraid, annoyed and bothered by things that didn’t matter to me before. New reality is a little different than the previous one and that is okay, because I am different as well.

I take my different mindset and head to the gym, walk past the empty front desk and straight to the combat area. Lights at the weights and cardio area are already turned off, only shimmer from the back room lighting my way there.

Kane is already there, this time he is wearing long sweatpants and a t-shirt, making me question if he thinks that seeing men naked is another trigger for me? He should loosen up a bit, I am not binning crimes committed by others on every man I see. I know perfectly well who is responsible for what happened to me, and I know who committed these atrocities. I am not implying that I am not still traumatized or hurting, I just know who hurt me and who didn’t.

“Just the two of us?” I ask when I enter the back room. “You think I suck so badly that you don’t want others to witness?” I joke and successfully, as corners of his mouth curl up into a smile.

“Jen is here, so not just the two of us.” He points to the front desk, but when I look, I see no one. He probably notices his misinformation. “Well, she is here somewhere.”

“Jen?” I don’t actually care but I ask anyway.

“Our manager, she is finishing some paperwork.”

“Okay.” I shrug my shoulders and change the subject. “In there, right?” I start to squeeze myself into the boxing ring without waiting for him to answer.

Well, getting in there is not as easy as it seems. The rubbery ropes are placed quite high and halfway through I realize that instead of wanting to look cool and clime in between them, I should have rolled under them. Now it is too late though, and I have to finish the struggle I picked for myself.

Finally, after I manage to stand up and wipe myself down, I see Kane staring at me with a pitying look. “Actually, we start with the basics, and down here,” he taps his foot on the floor a couple of times.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath through my nose. s**t.

This time I roll myself out of the ring and laugh on the outside, but bang my head on the inside for making a proper fool of myself.

The rest of the evening went by with Kane showing and naming the equipment we will be using in the future. I already know that I won’t be able to memorize all of it, so there will be other embarrassing moments waiting for me in the future. But time will tell, at least he agreed to teach me.

When the orientation part is done, he shows some moves and ducks that are fundamental to master before getting in the ring and fight one-on-one. He said that everyone can kick and punch, but what makes you the best, is the way you block or move from a punch coming at you.

“Did you fight professionally?” I asked him after he figuratively dismissed our class for today.

“No, but we trained a lot in the navy.” His physique and tattoos kind of rat out his military background so it doesn’t surprise me he was in the navy.

“Were you ever deployed somewhere?” The question just pops into my head, and I speak it out loud before thinking.

“I was, but it’s in the past now.” His answer so final that I don’t ask anything else. From that sentence I know he has his own skeletons to deal with.

I damn myself for asking that because the silence is now lurking around us, and I definitely didn’t want to stir up crap from his past. Especially after he spent his free time to coach a silly goose like me how to swerve when a fist is about to crush my nose.

So, from now on, I will keep my damn mouth shut and focus on whatever he teaches me instead of prying into his past.

When we finish putting everything back in its place, he shuts the lights, and we head out. I keep some distance between us while following him through the gym.

“s**t,” he says when we reach the door, and the handle doesn’t budge.

“What?” But I already know. We are locked in. “Don’t you have a key?” It is his gym, so I don’t think my question is as stupid as his expression is making me feel.

“I never lock up. Jen is always the first to arrive and last to leave, so I almost never take them with me.” He is now looking through what I presume to be Jen’s desk. I hear drawers being opened and closed, things being shifted and pushed aside.

“Call her,” I say while he is slowly tearing her workplace apart.

“I am not going to ask her to come back. I am not that kind of boss.” He talks without stopping or giving me a single look. I know it is only in my head, but I start to sense like he is blaming me. He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my private lesson.

“Or ask her if there is a spare key somewhere.” I try not to sound nagging, but from the moment he finally looks at me, I know something caught his attention. Hopefully, it’s what I said, not how I said it.

“That I can do.” He picks up the phone and after about half a minute he hangs up. “Looks like we will be spending the night here.”

Not the answer I was expecting. Definitely not the outcome I am happy with.

“Shai? Can’t Shai help us?” I blurt out because the idea of staying here is not something I am comfortable with. It’s not about Kane or any man for that matter. I don’t care if I stay here with or without him, what I care about is getting back to the place where I feel safe and what has become sort of a temple for my reincarnation.

He thinks for a few minutes and then makes the call. From a distance, this one seems to be going better than the last one because his shoulders relax a bit, the laugh before he hangs up gives me hope to be back at home soon.

“We’re getting out of here,” he says proudly. “Well, in a few hours, so get comfortable,” and after that addition the pride died a little, but not entirely. At least we are getting out.

“Good,” I answer quite distantly and sit on the floor leaning my back against the front desk. This way I can’t see him, and he can’t see me. It’s not a protest or a show of emotions, but to give both of us some privacy. We spent the last hour and half together and these last minutes we were already snapping at each other, so I think some space is appreciated by both.

“How are you holding up?” he asks after an hour of silence.

“Right now, or in general?” He needs to be more specific, or I’ll hit him with ‘fine’ and that is a lie.

“In general.” His voice sounds now like the first time we met on the balcony. It’s calm and even soothing with its low notes and manly rasp to it.

“In general, I am not holding up at all. I am still trying to get up so I could have the opportunity to keep myself up.” It’s easier to speak what I am hiding inside when I don’t see him. When I don’t see his movements and reactions to the things I am saying.

“What if they actually never beat you down? What if you never let them? To me, you seem a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just saying.” His words echo in my ears like a chant. Over and over again, every time cutting deeper and deeper.

Could he be right? Or is he just trying to pep talk me so I would grab the reins of my life tighter into my hands? Because I definitely felt being beat down, not even down, being beat into a bloody puddle that sank lower than humanly possible.

But what if only a part of me suffered that beating, and now, after everything, the other part has risen to the occasion, and he is seeing that part of me. Could it be that the stronger, more resilient me, was staying in the shadows and waiting patiently to come into the light? Now, when the little girl in me was defeated, demolished even, she emerged and a new era has begun?

“Seems a little too poetic to be true,” I answer him and myself at the same time.

Before he manages to ask or say anything else, we hear the door being unlocked.

I jump to my feet and as soon as the door opens, I am greeted with her anger.

“What the f**k Lex?”