I Became Her

Chapter 20 -The Future-

“What the f**k Lex what?” I ask her back, not really understanding what I did wrong here.

“Leave her alone, Shai. It’s my fault.” Kane interrupts our staring contest and Shai shifts her dart shooting eyes at him.

“So, it was your idea of getting cozy here in the dark, alone with her?” she sneers at him while giving me the stink eye with her last word.

“Get a hold of yourself, Shai! She has nothing to do with it.” He raises his voice at her. “See you tomorrow, Lex,” he says, letting me know my time witnessing their weird encounter has ended and I walk away with a grim feeling that this is not over yet.

As the distance between us grows, their words became incomprehensible, but their anger-filled voices send me the entire way to my apartment. I wish this wasn’t about me or something I did, but every scenario in my head ends up making me the bad guy in a movie I didn’t even audition for. Even if there were preexisting disputes, I know we escalated them today by a landslide.

Unfortunately, I can’t keep my distance either. I need them both, plus we live just a few feet from each other. Not a perfect situation and that is why I need to straighten my spine and be ready to fix whatever I just stirred up. If Shai is accusing me of something, then she needs to explain where that blame is coming from and then I can see if there is a way I can iron that wrinkly chaos out.

That night I don’t sleep as peacefully as the previous ones. The nagging feeling from our altercation was constantly waking me up and demanding release. At one point, I almost knocked on Shai’s door but my commonsense got the best of me and I kept pretending to sleep until it was actually acceptable to go and knock on someone’s door.

When the first light brightened the room and yet another morning had arrived, I kept lying there and once again replayed everything that was said and done yesterday evening. The excitement from working out plummeted into a dark ditch when Shai entered with her unjustified anger and took it out on us. I really have no idea who these people are. I accepted their help and support, but in all honesty, I am not sure if I did the right thing when I trusted them blindly.

They aren’t probably, well hopefully, criminals or bad people in general, yet I don’t know them, their past or plans for the future. They seem to be doing the right thing when helping clueless damsels like me, but is everything as black and white as they claim?

I can’t afford to lose their help. My goal might be stupid and unrealistic, but I don’t want to walk away without trying. Time is on my side, the longer I am MIA the better chances I have to catch these bastards off guard, so I need this apartment to lay low. And thanks to Shai, money isn’t an issue anymore.

The groundwork is set to execute whatever plan I cook up. Now, I just need to drop Shai and her madness and concentrate on making the future abide to the frame I set for it.

After I reassure my purpose, I start to work towards it. I can’t just sit and wait for people to come and offer their help, because no one knows what I want to achieve. No one knows what my endgame will be. Do I know? I know the endgame, that is easy. What is still unclear is the path I have to take to make it happen.

From that day onward, weeks started to pass by faster and time acquired another dimension for me. It stopped being about minutes, hours and days, instead it was from one workout to another, and everything in between was my time to get smarter, get better and mentally stronger. I spent my time mostly in three places; my apartment where I rested, the gym where we trained and at the public library where I acted like a sponge, absorbing as much information as possible, from bookkeeping to makeup. You never know when it might come in handy.

It doesn’t mean I have a solid plan or some kind of playbook I follow, I just want to be equipped with enough information that when opportunity presents itself, I can grab on with teeth and nails.

But until that day finally arrives, I will keep prepping myself. Not like I have any other obligations.

It’s been months with that same routine I described, and I have managed to avoid seeing Shai, or she is avoiding me. Either way, what happened has now become part of the past and no one should dust it off. She acted like a lunatic, but with time I have come to miss her even. I know we never became close friends or anything like that, but somehow, she had an effect on me, and I found myself appreciating her presence and now that appreciation has developed into missing her.

If I think about it, maybe I get fond of people too easily. Someone helps me out and I am all blurry eyes towards them, oblivious of all the warnings and unable to think straight. That sounds a little too dramatic. Let’s say that I want to see the good in people, even after everything.

But that has to change. And if I can’t make myself stop doing it, I can stop showing it.

Caution has to become my primary approach when it comes to other people. First observe, then interact. Is it attainable? We will find out, I guess.

The more time I have to prepare myself the better, so I am not rushing.

I know I am getting stronger physically, I can see the results with my own eyes. More defined muscles, greater stamina and improved fighting skills are easy to notice. What’s more challenging is to know if I have succeeded in getting stronger mentally and obtained enough knowledge to upholster my physical strength.

I might win a fistfight, but if I have no clue that I got myself into it in the first place, then we have a problem. My goal is to be charming and clever enough to avoid any altercations and confrontations that could lead to something worse. Since women are often called snakes, I really wish I can become one, because these slippery little devils can slither their way out of almost anything.

Strong, smart and slippery serpent is my new spirit animal. Hiding underneath the rubbish until I can make my move.

Knock on my door accompanied with the words, “Let’s go Lex!” is my cue to grab my gloves, mouthguard and head to the gym as usual.

Little by little, I have been participating in one-on-one fights with some of the guys training here as well. I know they are not fighting with full force since I am not real competition to them, but at least I can practice what Kane teaches me.

At first, I was rather skittish when Kane suggested I try one-on-one, because I hadn’t really been touched by a man after that night. And in my head, there was this scenario where constant skin on skin or violence could bring back all the horrors. So, I said that I wasn’t ready until one day I decided to face my fears. That day was liberating as hell. No one grabbed me, no one attacked me, no one forced themselves on me. It was just a friendly match with a guy who let me beat him up a little.

Yes, our bodies graze one another from time to time, but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t feel appalling because this touch doesn’t lead to anything. They come and go without me even noticing them anymore. Maybe it is boxing, maybe the ring or adrenaline, whatever it is, I know I can deal with feeling men's touch against my skin if it is as random as they come.

“You’re catching on quick,” Kane says after my last round with a guy they all call Bullet.

“Thanks.” After that night Shai had jumped at us, I have distanced myself from Kane. There seems to be something between them I don’t understand, and I have no desire to get in the middle of their drama. He is my trainer and landlord, that is where I draw the line. We don’t have to be buddies.

“We are going out with the guys. Do you want to join us?” His tone is beyond cautious while asking me this, yet he still asks.

“Um,” I am full on surprise mode after what he just asked, I am not trying to be one of the boys and I wouldn’t get offended if they don’t ask me out with them, so even more blown away that he actually asked. “I have plans,” I answer and regret my answer as soon as the words are out. He knows I have no plans.

He smiles and shakes his head almost unnoticeably before shrugging his shoulder. “Next time then.”

“Mhmhh.” He didn’t call me out on my lie, and I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse about lying. “Next time,” I say not to them but myself, knowing perfectly well that this ‘next time’ will never come. Having a drink with them is exactly what I am trying to avoid, no need to piss Shai off even more.

I leave the gym and go back to my place, only to be stopped by the papers taped to my door. Cold shivers run down my spine when I read the upper one written with bold black letters.

‘BOOM! YOU’RE DEAD!’